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What not to say to someone who has just been laid off

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Re: What not to say to someone who has just been laid off

#151

Post by wheybags »

themihai wrote: post #102
ransom1538 wrote: post #88

Earlier quoted context omitted.

My friend: "I can't pay my rent." Me: "Whats your venmo". 4 minutes later.... My friend: "wtf I can't pay this back" Me: "Good i don't do loans" Put in the cash or effort. When you help someone down, they never forget.

>> When you help someone down, they never forget. That's just wishful thinking. Most of the times they "forget" or somehow think you have had enough money so that wasn't a big effort. That's why it's not really worth it(imho) to help somehow unless your effort is minimal.

This is such a miserable philosophy

Re: What not to say to someone who has just been laid off

#152

Post by SoftTalker »

idiotsecant wrote: post #101
SoftTalker wrote: post #65

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> we are paying a lawn service to mow for you. That would rub me the wrong way if I hadn't asked for it. I am just the sort of person who does not want pity or charity. If I want help, I'll ask for it or do the hiring, thanks. In particular, mowing the lawn is one of my "escapes" where I can kind of zone out doing something that is routine and mindless for a little while. It's almost like meditation. Shoveling snow o…

>I am just the sort of person who does not want pity or charity. If I want help, I'll ask for it or do the hiring, thanks. As someone who fights this same urge, you should know that this makes you appear as closed off and cold to people that you have no intention of being closed off and cold to. You do this (I suspect) out of a deep seated fear of vulnerability. People pick up on the lack of vulnerability and will no…

You're probably not wrong, but it's who I am.

Re: What not to say to someone who has just been laid off

#153

Post by devoutsalsa »

sneak wrote: post #24

Why is being laid off being compared to the grief related to the death of a parent? Why would there be any grief from a layoff? It’s just a job. Anyone in mourning because they have to job hunt probably has some bigger issues that aren’t going to be helped in any way by what friends do or do not say.

I suppose it depends on how well off you are. A job is how most people feed themselves. If you have a hard time finding work, getting laid off is devastating. Unless you’re a dependent, the death of a parent is not financially devastating.

Re: What not to say to someone who has just been laid off

#154

Post by flamebreath447 »

What I’ve learned reading many of the comments on threads and most of the article is really just to keep your mouth shut.

You can comfort people in loss without saying a word. Your consistent presence through the grieving is good enough.

There’s an entire thread where people anecdotally share what others did to help them, and then two comments later someone says that it would offend them or come across wrong.

The aim shouldn’t be about perfection, helping people to make yourself seem like a good person or even to do what you would want others to do for you. It should be to selflessly offer consistent comfort. If they wanna be alone they will let you know, it the need something they can ask.

When my friends father died I said nothing, I just sat next to him and cried. I just wanted him to know I saw his pain and he was not alone.

Learning to come along side others in their pain is messy, hard and very inconvenient. But it’s the most meaningful part of humanity we have.

Re: What not to say to someone who has just been laid off

#155

Post by zug_zug »

scruple wrote: post #121
zug_zug wrote: post #62

I went into this expecting not to like the article, but I liked it. I personally was just laid off, and I think I'm in a unusual situation of resenting sympathy - I was already looking for a new job and I was sick of the company. The perfect response to me would be a sardonic "Well I'm sorry for their loss." But the articles advises first asking how the other person is feeling - and that is spot on, even for my situa…

Well, besides resenting sympathy, how are you feeling?

I'm feeling unburdened. Thanks for asking :)

Re: What not to say to someone who has just been laid off

#156

Post by fian »

sneak wrote: post #24

Why is being laid off being compared to the grief related to the death of a parent? Why would there be any grief from a layoff? It’s just a job. Anyone in mourning because they have to job hunt probably has some bigger issues that aren’t going to be helped in any way by what friends do or do not say.

For many people, being selected for a layoff can feel like you have been judged as a lower performer than your colleagues. The thinking being that the company would always want to retain their best performers. This can cause a big loss of confidence for some people. They will be stuck thinking "Why was I one of those chosen for being laid off?"

Often though, the decision on who to lay off also considers who might be close to retirement, who might cost more to make redundant (redundancy pay in many places is based on years of service and there might also be long service leave owed), and the mixture of skills and knowledge the company thinks it will need going forward.

Also some people will have built up strong relationships with colleagues, teams and clients through their work. Their potential to continue these relationships typically drops dramatically without it being a regular part of work. That can make some people quite sad personally and frustrated that all of the work developing those relationships will suddenly not be very useful anymore.

Re: What not to say to someone who has just been laid off

#157

Post by sincarne »

robbyking wrote: post #67
scionthefly wrote: post #44

Earlier quoted context omitted.

After a recent devastating family tragedy, a friend reached out and said "we are paying a lawn service to mow for you." It was unexpected, related to something I had posted about trying to fix our riding lawnmower, and honestly took a huge chore off of our plate at a time when we needed to focus on family. I've appreciated so many things people have done for us, from just a message, card, shoulder to cry on, or visit…

One thing I learned when my son was born is eating well is really tough to do when your mind is somewhere else. Mealtrains -- friend sourced meal prep -- are popular for people with newborns, but I've taken to dropping off meals (or sending GrubHub gift cards for friends who live out of town) to friends when I know they're going through a tough time.

Food delivery service gift cards has become my go to in these situations. It has been really well received. It can be tough to cook for other people’s families with kids.

Re: What not to say to someone who has just been laid off

#158

Post by iso1631 »

dryanau wrote: post #148
iso1631 wrote: post #51

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Someone on a forum I frequent lost their (90 year old) father this morning. I never know what to say in those situations so I tend to hide for a few days. I guess posting that screenshot wouldn't be the best move...

It wouldn't. But not because it's offensive. It is making a joke about the sympathizer's awkwardness, which is making it about yourself. A straightforward sorry for your loss is always best.

"your loss is always best"

OK, I'll post that

Re: What not to say to someone who has just been laid off

#159

Post by aaronbrethorst »

batch12 wrote: post #144
aaronbrethorst wrote: post #84

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I've just discovered this firsthand. Meal trains are awesome, but really challenging to have done right if you and/or your partner have serious food allergies. GrubHub is definitely good, but what's worked for us is a prepared foods service that drops off pre-cooked meals twice a week. Our friends and family gave us cash to help allay the cost of the service, but it's really not much more expensive than takeout. We'r…

> Meal trains are awesome, but really challenging to have done right if you and/or your partner have serious food allergies Maybe someone should create a meal registry. Like meal planning and a meal train combined with the concept of a gift register. I don't think I'd feel comfortable being that direct with what I will and won't eat when it's a service someone is going out of their way to provide, but on the other ha…

I don't think I'd feel comfortable being that direct with what I will and won't eat when it's a service someone is going out of their way to provide

I'm only this direct about it because of the severity of my food allergy. Wish I didn't have to be so picky!

Re: What not to say to someone who has just been laid off

#160

Post by adave »

SoftTalker wrote: post #152
idiotsecant wrote: post #101

Earlier quoted context omitted.

>I am just the sort of person who does not want pity or charity. If I want help, I'll ask for it or do the hiring, thanks. As someone who fights this same urge, you should know that this makes you appear as closed off and cold to people that you have no intention of being closed off and cold to. You do this (I suspect) out of a deep seated fear of vulnerability. People pick up on the lack of vulnerability and will no…

You're probably not wrong, but it's who I am.

Then you better let people know that you love lawnmowing as a way of processing stuff. They will send you food or good wishes if you are not allergic to those.
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