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Write a note to your spouse every day

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Re: Write a note to your spouse every day

#151

Post by nlnn »

mamoriamohit wrote: post #13

I have had an opposite experience. Daily notes makes no difference. I was in a relationship for 2 years and have written a poem every day for 400 days straight to her. But it failed nevertheless. In fact, I was told by her that these notes put her in guilt. Weird. Gestures like these amplify whatever the relationship there is to start with. If there's a lot of love, they amplify it. If there's a lot of lack of commit…

Obviously it's not quite the same thing, but reminds me of an old neighbour we had.

She used to love baking, and would bring round cakes/pastries/bread for us all the time.

It was really nice at first, but also made us feel very awkward/bad that we didn't reciprocate (neither of us really cook much), even though we'd never asked for the cakes.

Eventually we had to ask her to stop, since we just didn't want to eat that much unhealthy food. She took it as a bit of an insult, and ended up being a lot colder to us after that.

It was a shame, but I'm not sure what else we could have done - she was giving us something unasked for (which we felt burdened by, even though she said she never expected anything in return), and got upset when we asked her to stop.

Re: Write a note to your spouse every day

#152

Post by csomar »

em-bee wrote: post #137
csomar wrote: post #96

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Quoted post unavailable.

the parents comment just doesn't make any sense. if your partner is unattractive to you, then why did you choose them at all? there must have been some attraction at some point, and if that attraction got lost, it's only fair if they try to win you back. if you are not willing to let them do that and any further attention puts you off then you should break off that relationship right there. but while you are in a rel…

> if your partner is unattractive to you, then why did you choose them at all?

Convenience, society, no choice and still want to date/marry, money, visa, family, etc...

I agree you need to work on your relation. But a poem everyday? I'll think something is seriously wrong with my partner if she spits a poem everyday for a month non-stop. I don't think I'll it that go for a year, though. I suspect OP partner was more than reasonable but he was bad at getting clues from other people.

Re: Write a note to your spouse every day

#153

Post by onion2k »

funklute wrote: post #111
mamoriamohit wrote: post #13

I have had an opposite experience. Daily notes makes no difference. I was in a relationship for 2 years and have written a poem every day for 400 days straight to her. But it failed nevertheless. In fact, I was told by her that these notes put her in guilt. Weird. Gestures like these amplify whatever the relationship there is to start with. If there's a lot of love, they amplify it. If there's a lot of lack of commit…

> But it failed nevertheless. In fact, I was told by her that these notes put her in guilt. Weird. I think you're missing some perspective here. You make it sound like you were the one really trying, and your partner is the one who was weird for not "getting it". I would honestly be pretty freaked out if my partner wrote me daily poems for 400 days. It would come off as very needy and obsessive, and if it continued a…

If you read what the OP wrote;

"I was in a relationship for 2 years and have written a poem every day for 400 days straight to her."

2 years is a lot more than 400 days. Maybe the relationship failed because they stopped.

Re: Write a note to your spouse every day

#154

Post by Ruthalas »

em-bee wrote: post #125
em-bee wrote: post #39

Earlier quoted context omitted.

attraction is created through interaction. but what attracts is different for every person, and if i am attracted to someone, i need to find out what makes me attractive to them. it's not just looks or first impressions. those help to get the foot in the door, but even an initially unattractive person can become attractive as you get to know them.

could the downvoters please explain why? i am really interested, do you not believe that getting to know someone can make them more attractive? do you not believe that it is possible to misjudge someone on their first impression? what else am i missing that makes you disagree with me?

I didn't downvote, but its possible the "get a foot in the door" is coming across more coercive than you intended. It brings to mind pushy salesmen.

I think your statement is fine, if the reader interprets your statement charitably, but it could be misread.

Just a guess!

Re: Write a note to your spouse every day

#155

Post by em-bee »

elmolino89 wrote: post #136
mamoriamohit wrote: post #13

I have had an opposite experience. Daily notes makes no difference. I was in a relationship for 2 years and have written a poem every day for 400 days straight to her. But it failed nevertheless. In fact, I was told by her that these notes put her in guilt. Weird. Gestures like these amplify whatever the relationship there is to start with. If there's a lot of love, they amplify it. If there's a lot of lack of commit…

> I was in a relationship for 2 years and have written a poem every day for 400 days straight to her. While there may be some people like you enjoying maxed up romantic relationships I would run away in no time from a partner just trying to hard. Imagine getting home everyday to be greeted with a "gift of a day", 10 bullet points in refined calligraphy how much he/she loves me, new scent, yet another laborious make u…

Most of us will never be able to match that

this is part of the problem though. the expectation that the contributions to our relationship should somehow be equal. yes, both partners should contribute something, and it is possible that one (or both) of the partners are not contributing enough, but wanting to limit my partners contributions because i can't keep up is a problem in itself. the proper response is to talk about it, to share how these poems or whatever it is, make you feel. and come to an understanding that both can work with. the most important thing to do is to listen what the partner has to say, and how they feel. as with all these things, it comes down to communication.

Re: Write a note to your spouse every day

#156

Post by eCa »

onion2k wrote: post #153
funklute wrote: post #111

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> But it failed nevertheless. In fact, I was told by her that these notes put her in guilt. Weird. I think you're missing some perspective here. You make it sound like you were the one really trying, and your partner is the one who was weird for not "getting it". I would honestly be pretty freaked out if my partner wrote me daily poems for 400 days. It would come off as very needy and obsessive, and if it continued a…

If you read what the OP wrote; "I was in a relationship for 2 years and have written a poem every day for 400 days straight to her." 2 years is a lot more than 400 days. Maybe the relationship failed because they stopped .

Or perhaps they started on day 330.

Re: Write a note to your spouse every day

#157

Post by thn-gap »

tlarkworthy wrote: post #91

My wife and I write an annual letter to one another. They are truly magical and they are great to read back, often bringing us to tears and capturing the struggles of raising children, moving continents etc. They unleash memories when read. We have ten years of them and they are truly amazing and I recommend it as a slightly less involved shared (two way) ritual .

I love this idea, thanks for sharing it.

Re: Write a note to your spouse every day

#158

Post by otikik »

I would have appreciated some mention of the actual medium in which the notes are written.

Are we talking about a post-it note? Are the notes in a physical notebook? Is this done via some sort of mobile app? On a WhatsApp message, perhaps?

I know it will be different for everyone, probably, but I think it is important to know one that is already working for someone.

Re: Write a note to your spouse every day

#159

Post by prmoustache »

NotTameAntelope wrote: post #23
xupybd wrote: post #19

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Marriage takes work, lots of work. The reward in my experience is totally worth it. You have to lay down part of your life for the new life that you experience with your spouse and children. The individual you once were is now part of a family and no longer exists as an individual. You serve your family and they serve you back. For me the amount I give of myself is much less than I receive back from the marriage / fa…

Eh, it doesn’t feel like work for me. I really enjoy my partner, she enjoys me, and I don’t think we have to do very much “work” to maintain that. If I started writing literal daily notes to my wife, she’d be very concerned something was wrong. Then she’d ask why I’m wasting my time writing a note when I could have done… literally annoying else more productive lol

> Eh, it doesn’t feel like work for me. I really enjoy my partner, she enjoys me, and I don’t think we have to do very much “work” to maintain that.

For some people it isn't until it is. There are many things that can break a great relationship. Routine, lack of common projects, financial difficulties, personal struggle of one or both.

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