Ask HN: How do you tackle your own negativity? • Hacker News Board

Re: Ask HN: How do you tackle your own negativity?

#151

Post by agumonkey » Mon, Nov 01, 2021, 9:59 AM UTC

oblib wrote: post #9

I've pointed out to close friends and family "there are people who walk into a room and look for something to complain about, and they will always find something because nothing is too small for them to complain about". That's a habit, and it's a pretty annoying one if you're living with someone who does that, and I have lived with a few who did. After dealing it with for a long time I finally came up with that respo…

> I've pointed out to close friends and family "there are people who walk into a room and look for something to complain about, and they will always find something because nothing is too small for them to complain about".

Weak, frustrated and attention seekers ? I often view them as people in fear of something that enjoy the reflex of negative / toxic behavior just to get a reaction from their environment.

It's not the easiest to come neutral and honest about how you feel, bored, lonely, scared, or to ask for friendly interactions taking others into account. (I did that too, now I try to stay relaxed and cool)

Re: Ask HN: How do you tackle your own negativity?

#152

Post by Debugreality » Mon, Nov 01, 2021, 10:00 AM UTC

tchock23 wrote: post #76

ruckadub wrote: post #58

All decisions are based in love or fear. Find your purpose, make sure it's ambitious, make sure it's equitable and helps people. When you are ambitious about your purpose you will be conscious of how little time you have. When you're overwhelmed with progress it's easier to mitigate negativity, you'll be too focused to chime in on the little stuff, or you will empathize for what used to annoy you, and realize you're…

Any advice on the "find your purpose" part?

One thing that might help is doing some personality tests around finding your strengths that might give you a starting direction in which to dig deeper:

https://www.gallup.com/cliftonstrengths/en/252137/home.aspx

https://sparketype.com/sparketest/

Re: Ask HN: How do you tackle your own negativity?

#153

Post by logankeenan » Mon, Nov 01, 2021, 10:11 AM UTC

skyberrys wrote: post #64

logankeenan wrote: post #25

Yes, I get stuck in that sort of negative thinking too. I find that getting enough sleep, eating healthy (including breakfast), limiting caffeine, stretching, avoiding social sites, and just doing "healthy" things makes it easier to respond positively. A bit of self promotion now. I made an app called Positivelys to help make positive thinking a healthy habit. It's simple, you make a note of positive moments no matte…

I installed the android version but the text bar won't pull up a keyboard for me. Just upgraded to Android 12.

I appreciate the feedback. I'll have some time coming up to take a look into it. Thank you!

Re: Ask HN: How do you tackle your own negativity?

#154

Post by alpaca128 » Mon, Nov 01, 2021, 10:12 AM UTC

halgir wrote: post #145

Someone else in the thread used the term "chronic bitcher", and that's exactly what I used to be. At any given time I would (subconsciously) look for things to complain about, and I always found them. I was traveling with some friends, doing my usual complaining every day, when one of them finally asked me to please shut up. At first I was offended, but shortly after realized what I had been doing. Committed to stop…

One of my parents is like that, in fact it's their primary method of communicating with people. They're aware of it but never stopped, needless to say it's caused issues.

Not sure that's the reason, but I've become pretty much the opposite in many situations. At times that made people think I don't care, but I just don't think it helps to complain about things everyone already knows about.

Re: Ask HN: How do you tackle your own negativity?

#155

Post by Mulpze15 » Mon, Nov 01, 2021, 10:22 AM UTC

PakG1 wrote: post #49

randycupertino wrote: post #11

Have you ever read the book "How to win Friends and Influence People?" It really helped me become a more positive, likable person. Something about viewing the world through everyone else's eyes and appreciating the good points in everyone. It's weird because it's common sense stuff, but it was a game changer for me. Now I'm friends with the grocery store clerk, the home depot guy, my neighbors, coworkers etc. I try t…

I read that book and as I recall, it makes the point that you need to have the intention and motivation to make it work, or else it won't matter. Whereas for me, the reasons I am always considering negative stuff (I just find it important to think in worst-case scenarios for various reasons), completely outweigh any desire I have to be more friendly and likeable. This has made my marriage difficult at times, and I've…

>I just find it important to think in worst-case scenarios for various reasons

That's the key point. I think about the worst-case scenario as well, it is important. But as long as it does not kill me or leaves me with lifetime super negative impact, I am not spending too much time on it, because it is an inefficient use of my time and brain bandwidth.

The reason is that statistically things turn out fine, usually not perfect but 99.9% not worst case. And most of worse case scenarios are avoided _not_ because _I_ considered and avoided them. Differently said, even if you start with 5 potential really bad outcomes, after a short while 2 or 3 become irrelevant anyway because circumstances.

Being ready for the lucky and positive upside is more efficient in the long run in my experience, and much more pleasant along the way.

It feels like a superpower to me to be positive when I look at all these sad and negative people who don't even realize how much _they_ are hurting themselves, not the circumstances around them.

Re: Ask HN: How do you tackle your own negativity?

#156

Post by zem » Mon, Nov 01, 2021, 10:24 AM UTC

donatj wrote: post #147

kilburn wrote: post #130

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> The best way I've found to interrupt it is to ask myself "what if they're right" and/or "in what way might this person be right that I may not have considered"? There's also a great question to ask yourself even before those: is it worth it? A lot of times just ignoring improvements you can see/sense is the right call. Every time you bring up a suggestion (whether it is to a teammate or to yourself) your are affect…

> If you are one of these people who just cannot "let something go", what you can do is write that thing down. I used to be hypercritical in code review, but I started instead just taking note of small things that didn’t really matter and fixing them myself during downtime. I feel a little mixed on the solution. On the one hand it has the junior devs less afraid of me and more willing to actually ask for help. On the…

when you make those small fixes, send them to the junior devs to review

Re: Ask HN: How do you tackle your own negativity?

#157

Post by makapuf » Mon, Nov 01, 2021, 10:30 AM UTC

zem wrote: post #156

donatj wrote: post #147

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> If you are one of these people who just cannot "let something go", what you can do is write that thing down. I used to be hypercritical in code review, but I started instead just taking note of small things that didn’t really matter and fixing them myself during downtime. I feel a little mixed on the solution. On the one hand it has the junior devs less afraid of me and more willing to actually ask for help. On the…

when you make those small fixes, send them to the junior devs to review

It seems a good opportunity for him/her to learn, but just be careful not to sound passive agressive, a comment softening it can go a long way

Re: Ask HN: How do you tackle your own negativity?

#158

Post by ljm » Mon, Nov 01, 2021, 10:43 AM UTC

I used to have a problem with bottling up emotions (that is, suppressing them), and one of the many side-effects was a pessimistic or negative outlook.

To that extent, what worked for me was to look within. What was I not expressing, and what was I covering up with the negativity and sarcasm? Ten years later and I still have my many moments, but I know how to deal and I know what works for me. My ego doesn't get in the way of my awareness although I still tend to be too hard on myself. I guess what I'm saying is I found more of 'me' through that, rather than just 'positive me' or 'negative me'.

Before looking into how to deal with it, it might be worth talking to a counsellor or a therapist to see what the 'why' might be, and then you have something more specific to work with. A good coach would also do the job, especially if this is more about habit and not stuff from the past. All of these people are professionals who will be able to hold the space for a useful conversation about those things.

That way, you can also avoid the trap of finding new and novel ways to repress the negativity, which can very well guide you towards a mindset of toxic--or forced--positivity.

It's also important to remember that negativity in and of itself isn't inherently bad. Anger, sadness, frustration, and so on are seen to be 'negative', but the solution isn't to banish them or fix them, it's to acknowledge them and deal with them in a healthy way. The feelings are there for a reason.

Re: Ask HN: How do you tackle your own negativity?

#159

Post by kkoncevicius » Mon, Nov 01, 2021, 11:08 AM UTC

In my opinion such negativity is to some extent caused by working with computers. Just like some lawyers tend to concentrate on looking for crimes everywhere, psychologists see childhood traumas and character traits, and linguists spelling and grammar mistakes, people working with computers, especially programming, look for why certain things will not work and are not worth even trying.

Think about a typical way of solving a problem with a computer. Something doesn't work and you have a dozen of ideas why it doesn't work. The course of action is to inspect each idea, reject the ones that will not get you there immediately, and look at the acceptable ones with suspicion. Until one proves itself to be the right approach.

The problem is that this trickles down to everyday life. You get into this pattern of looking at things as problems to be solved. And if you know something the other person doesn't know - you want to correct them, because correcting them means that the task is completed and that you get some credit for the solution. So shooting down ideas and looking for a negative side of everything is the natural course of action. After all, when solving a concrete problem, rejecting a clearly wrong idea is just as good for moving closer towards the goal as coming up with a new idea that might be viable.

For me, personally, what helped is listening to people who speak very positively. One good example I found is a channel on youtube named Lux Pixul [1]. Adam (the guy that runs the channel) frequently does videos about motivation, procrastination, inspiration, and similar topics. But his approach is always very positive and warm. I reflect on how I feel when listening to people speaking that way, and it makes me want to imitate it myself, so that I can transfer the same feeling to others. For me - that helps.

[1]: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LJlJC6yjLpw

Re: Ask HN: How do you tackle your own negativity?

#160

Post by ClumsyPilot » Mon, Nov 01, 2021, 11:22 AM UTC

I think there are two angles to this: emotional wellbeing and how you come across.

For the former, if i feel like ranting, I ask myself: "so what are you going to do about it?"

If you are annoyed about (whatever issue), the healthy thing to is to take some minimal action - feed the homeless/go vegan/call you representative/go protest. Take some action in the physical world that gets you out of your house. That's much healthier emotionally - our bodies are not meant to handle getting angry and being idle about it -thats emotionally damaging. Also it's a bit hypocritical.

If you are not prepared (or can't) do anything at all, then you should not let the issue bother you.

For the latter, I think some people have a 'debating persona', they might argue passionatly and negatively, but day to day they feel fine and positive.

Safe to say that when you try to 'debate' a person that does not enjoy it, they will get annoyed.

It might be worth going to an actual debate club to scratch this itch, you will typically find you have to eat some humble pie, and that's healthy too.