As with basically every study that comes out these days in the social sciences, my response is: "We'll see."
Being kind to others is good for your health
151–160 of 277 posts
Re: Being kind to others is good for your health
#152The only issue that I have, is that so many people (in my industry/nation/orbit) mistake kindness for weakness. I live in New York, which has a basic culture of "hyper aggressiveness." It isn't "rudeness," as so many people like to think of New Yorkers. They can be aggressively kind and generous. They are just aggressive. I'm also in the tech industry, which seems to have a very aggressive and competitive culture. It…
> I live in New York, which has a basic culture of "hyper aggressiveness" A defining trait of American culture is hyperactivity. Commenting on trivial stuff, moving around restlessly while holding a drink, despise for idle time. The "kindness" thing is a form of hyper-expressivity which is rarely seen in calm cultures.
Furthermore, there is this idea of egoism. To think merely of profit - which you see in major cities with millions of people in the United States, it seems - is to be egoistic. The root of kindness is egotistical poverty. After all: egoism overlooks, kindness sees. You may substitute the words 'humility' or 'attention' for 'kindness' for the former and latter claim, and it will still hold true. And therefore, egoism is really inattention for it pays attention to what does not matter.
Re: Being kind to others is good for your health
#153The only issue that I have, is that so many people (in my industry/nation/orbit) mistake kindness for weakness. I live in New York, which has a basic culture of "hyper aggressiveness." It isn't "rudeness," as so many people like to think of New Yorkers. They can be aggressively kind and generous. They are just aggressive. I'm also in the tech industry, which seems to have a very aggressive and competitive culture. It…
As a native NYer I find this comment odd. In the US we have places around the country with Stand Your Ground laws — and locals wanting to exercise that right for the slightest slight, with devastating consequence. And we’re worried about someone being rude/aggressive on a NY street? We have to put all this in perspective.
Re: Being kind to others is good for your health
#154Earlier quoted context omitted.
Encountering people who live on that level can be a trip. I went to lunch with some classmates after lecture. I had been fixated on the content. But the salient facts to one of my classmates were instead: who had spoken, with how much confidence, how often, for how long, how the professor seemed to feel about it. It was eye opening. There was this whole other dimension to the room, which I could barely see, but to he…
While I appreciate the usefulness of such observational skills and I can do it to a decent degree, I tend not to most of the time. I just switch it off.I don't want to live my life where every interaction is some spy game or thriller,where everyone in the room scans each other for clues. Having said that, I must admit that observational skills pulled me out of very very difficult situations a few times.
> I don't want to live my life where every interaction is some spy game or thriller,where everyone in the room scans each other for clues.
I had a coworker with this mindset and it seemed incredibly tiring on her mindset. She would routinely total up the cost of the exec's outfits and jewelry/shoes/purse and also always be measuring herself against everyone else in the meeting room. Who hadn't brushed their hair, who had recently gotten teeth whitening treatments, she even noticed when one of the directors got a facelift over work from home. She was able to point out his facelift scars via a screenshot she took.
She ended up getting let go for creating a "mean girl" culture when she iced out some new hires.
It just seemed like a very dystopian way to view our coworkers. I prefer to see everyone as a potential friend and not look for flaws.
Re: Being kind to others is good for your health
#155Earlier quoted context omitted.
Kindness takes courage. There seem to be a lot of people who live at a level of abstraction where they perceive every interaction as being about dominance and submission. In my humble opinion it is a very limited mindset. I consider myself to be generous person, and also slow to anger. As a result, there are people who think they hit the jackpot and found a submissive pushover who is like a flimsy tree that will bend…
Encountering people who live on that level can be a trip. I went to lunch with some classmates after lecture. I had been fixated on the content. But the salient facts to one of my classmates were instead: who had spoken, with how much confidence, how often, for how long, how the professor seemed to feel about it. It was eye opening. There was this whole other dimension to the room, which I could barely see, but to he…
And anecdotally, these keen observation skills I think are more concentrated in women. A lot of times, I find that women in my life are more interested in how I or others are feeling/acting, than the exact details of what actually is happening.
I like to think of this as report talk vs rapport talk. Men may just report facts to each other with very little emotion attached, whereas women will try and bond and strengthen relationships by telling stories about people and their feelings. This is why men struggle to understand why women in their life are angry that they never talk or don't share how things are with their day. It's because a lot of times, the two people think that the information they are sharing is what is important, and the other person thinks that it is too much/too little detail.
I think those observational skills make women much more suitable for negotiating and understanding nuances, where sometimes men may struggle to have seen the smaller details.
But of course making sweeping gendered statements is usually not accurate or helpful, just some observations in my opinion, and of course MANY people do not fit into this generalisation.
Re: Being kind to others is good for your health
#156The only issue that I have, is that so many people (in my industry/nation/orbit) mistake kindness for weakness. I live in New York, which has a basic culture of "hyper aggressiveness." It isn't "rudeness," as so many people like to think of New Yorkers. They can be aggressively kind and generous. They are just aggressive. I'm also in the tech industry, which seems to have a very aggressive and competitive culture. It…
> so many people (in my industry/nation/orbit) mistake kindness for weakness. A complementary but closely related problem is that many people mistake unkindness for aggression.
Isn't it though? At least if it's intentional.
Re: Being kind to others is good for your health
#157Earlier quoted context omitted.
This has been studied in game theory terms. The best strategy seems to be to give people the benefit of the doubt initially, being kind and altruistic without reservation. But as soon as they don’t respond in kind, you update your strategy immediately and stop extending any generosity beyond baseline courtesy. The ball is in their court now. If they switch from selfishness to altruism, then you can match them. Otherw…
If you’re applying game theory here, I’m curious what the objective function would be? (What are you trying to maximize/minimize?) I think a potential flaw is assuming people are static beings. Consider if you passed me shortly after my dog died...I may not be in a mental state to even notice you said anything. If we passed weeks or months later I could be in a completely different state but we’re still not connectin…
It seems to me that switching from immediately stopping the kind action (e.g. greening someone) as soon as it's not reciprocated to stopping the kind action if it is habitually not reciprocated could address a lot of those problems.
You could probably also put a maximum age on your game state. E.g. if it's been more than a week since this person failed to reciprocate, then treat this like an initial interaction.
Re: Being kind to others is good for your health
#158Earlier quoted context omitted.
I think morlockabove meant that thanks to the size of the US, the density of different cultures in many orders of magnitude higher in Europe than the US. Th cultural difference between Texans, Washingtonians and a New Hampshireite is minuscule compared to France and Germany, let alone France and somewhere like Estonia.
I believe it misses the fact that there are very different cultures within Washington or Texas. For example, Austin is very different from Houston and even north Houston is very different from south Houston. Eastern Washington is completely different culturally than western Washington(Seattle etc). No where else in the world has the massive amount of diversity that the US does at the scale of the US. It’s not even cl…
The European Union has the scale of the US and arguably more diversity given there are a few more languages spoken and each one is associated with a different culture. And that's only a part of one continent, and there are more continents.
Re: Being kind to others is good for your health
#159The only issue that I have, is that so many people (in my industry/nation/orbit) mistake kindness for weakness. I live in New York, which has a basic culture of "hyper aggressiveness." It isn't "rudeness," as so many people like to think of New Yorkers. They can be aggressively kind and generous. They are just aggressive. I'm also in the tech industry, which seems to have a very aggressive and competitive culture. It…
I have lived in NY, and my partner was born and grew up in NY, and I find New Yorkers pretty friendly, especially when compared to other cities around the world I've lived in (all of which have had their share of friendly folk). I think you have to be friendly to live cheek by jowl with so many. However New Yorkers are brisk. The tech industry has definitely become more aggressive over the last 20 years. I credit it…
I mean, in NYC, don't walk slowly in the middle of a sidewalk, hold doors for people, don't blast TV and music at home, and don't walk on the floor like an elephant with heels first. That's all I got.
Re: Being kind to others is good for your health
#160Earlier quoted context omitted.
I have a book I'd like to recommend, that has helped me, in growing up around aggressive and manipulative people, learn to both identify these behaviors in others as well as learn tools for calmly and clearly enforcing personal boundaries, even in the face of the other side throwing temper tantrums or bullying. Can send it to your contact info, if it's something that'd interest you.
I'd like to read it. Is there any way for you to post the book information anonymously?
I am interested too, why is the title of a book so secretive?