One my most painful realizations as an adult was realizing that my parents were emotionally negligent and that I have long suffered from CPTSD as a result. They treated parenting as if it was just providing food and shelter and failed to realize that good parenting is actually about teaching your kids to be emotionally mature. I struggle with feelings of emptiness, depersonalization, and numbness in ways that make it hard to feel normal most days.
How to parent more predictably (2018)
151–160 of 258 posts
Re: How to parent more predictably (2018)
#152Earlier quoted context omitted.
> " let me think about that " Don't forget to actually think about it and give the response. Make a note of it and show your child that you did create a reminder. Later, after you've thought of it, remind your child by showing them that note and let them know the outcome. This way, next time you say "let me think about it" your child will believe that a resolution will actually come later. Showing your child the note…
I was thinking about it in terms of stalling for the 15 seconds it takes to make a response, instead of a reaction. But yeah, I totally agree that for those longer considerations, demonstrating the integrity to follow through is really important. My oldest is just 2, so this doesn't come up much yet. She has very little concept of tomorrow. But I know from my experience with high school kids and with managing adults…
> Maintaining that trust keeps a whole lot of other relationship dynamics healthier.
Most of us learn at an early age that "We'll see" means "No"
Re: How to parent more predictably (2018)
#153There's a pretty large body of twin study evidence that says as long as you don't abuse your kids, your parenting styles don't matter to their long term personality (or outcomes, when you adjust for parental income) One such study here: https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/0741882070186459...
One thing parents do has a huge effect on outcomes and that is controlling their child's environment. For example, children that attend school with more children with an incarcerated parent are more likely to get in trouble with the law[1].
Similarly, sending a child to a school with a culture of academic achievement, where doing well increases their social status, will have better outcomes.
Simply put, childrens' peers influence their development more than their parents, but parents do have some control over who those peers are.
Re: How to parent more predictably (2018)
#154Earlier quoted context omitted.
>* Timeouts rarely work. This is entirely opposite of my experience. We do timeouts for harmful things (like hitting newborn baby brother, running into the street) or if he is having a tantrum and isn't cooling down. We didn't try timeouts until we read https://www.amazon.com/Happiest-Toddler-Block-Cooperative-Fo... , but we do use them now and they seem to be one of the few things that have a lasting effect on my to…
> like hitting newborn baby brother We ran into this problem. Our oldest would just hit him again 5 minutes after the timeout. It got to the point where she would hit him, say "timeout!" and go to her timeout spot. She hated the timeout (she cried during it), but she decided it was worth it. She basically took every chance she could to hurt him. If she was walking by him, she would purposefully step on his fingers. O…
We did the timeout when our 2 yr old first hit new baby and it reduce the behavior short term, but we also had our 2 year old start holding the newborn (with assistance) while giving a lot of praise. That replacement of the negative behavior with the positive really helped the 2yr old's attitude towards new baby.
Re: How to parent more predictably (2018)
#155Earlier quoted context omitted.
The purpose of a timeout for toddlers / small children is to have a negative (but not harmful) consequence they understand so they can make a choice as to whether to continue a certain behavior or not. There are very few appropriate negative consequences available that a toddler will understand. Punishment does have its place in behavioral training but is not the first or even third method to rely on. Parents should…
> The purpose of a timeout for toddlers / small children is to have a negative (but not harmful) consequence they understand... Looks like we disagree. In general I am opposed to punishment (obviously one cannot be absolute on such a matter) but in particular: the younger the child the less agency and less ability to connect cause and effect, so I consider punishment pretty much ineffective for toddler ages. But soci…
Check out this article: https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/2018/11/30/when-use...
Re: How to parent more predictably (2018)
#156One of my best tools with my toddler is "don't react, respond". My first thought is rarely my best thought, and my reactionary tone of voice is not my most loving and supportive. A kid doesn't need your immediate answer to everything. You can tell them, "let me think about that" and literally take the time to consider your options. Almost nothing is an emergency situation requiring your elevated tone of voice or phys…
Is there something fundamentally wrong with rushing towards them & elevating your voice? It's not an emergency per se, but when our toddler stands up & teeters unwittingly towards the edge of our bed, or ventures to stairs unallowed, or almost snares a knife or hot mug on the counter, etc, it seems appropriate. Those circumstances are of course best avoided ahead of time but no one is perfect.
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Re: How to parent more predictably (2018)
#157We have some family friends that are decent people, but lousy parents. After about 16 years of observation two of their kids have graduated (one with honors) and the older they get, the more decent they have become, very similar to their parents. What I learned: Kids will turn out like their parents. And poorly skilled parents can still raise decent and well behaved kids. Who you are and how you treat people is more…
Perhaps they're decent parents, and you're a lousy judge of parenting?
Sure, that's possible.
One issue they had was their kids stayed up too late, didn't get enough sleep and screamed a lot near the end of the day. They were late to school (in elementary level) because the parents were tired too.
I think this is objectively bad parenting... but I could be wrong.
Edit: since I got one down vote let me add > they scream at their kids regularly (daily, sometimes the normal tone), let them play video games endlessly without supervision, and many other odd things. Kept a dog in a crate permanently in the house where it crapped and screeched at everyone. The list is long... Look at my other comments, I don't want to keep piling things on, but do some pretty outlandish things as parents.
Re: How to parent more predictably (2018)
#158My single greatest piece of advice:
Institute a safe word with your child. It goes both ways, no exceptions. When the safe word is issued, whatever was safeworded stops.
Typical rules of safe words, but my kid is 15 and we still use the safe word when things are going wayward (jokes, fights, annoyances, repetitions, references). Probably started it when he was 1 or 2.
Second favorite bit of advice:
Routines (brushing teeth, going to bed, leaving the house) should be as close to silent, w/r/t instructions, as possible. Talk to each other, but don't negotiate "whatever's next" or "c'mon" or "hurry up".
Re: How to parent more predictably (2018)
#159We have some family friends that are decent people, but lousy parents. After about 16 years of observation two of their kids have graduated (one with honors) and the older they get, the more decent they have become, very similar to their parents. What I learned: Kids will turn out like their parents. And poorly skilled parents can still raise decent and well behaved kids. Who you are and how you treat people is more…
> Who you are and how you treat people is more important than technical skills to get your kids to behave. Or, rather, the actual most important “technical skill to get your kids to behave”, in the long term view is modelling the behavior you want to see.
I think you are correct, I would add that by nature it seems kids model their behavior after their parents somewhat automatically.
I've turned my family around from some pretty bad behavior simply by changing how I act. If they don't change automatically to follow, I may have to point out the change I made, and that I expect them to as well.
Re: How to parent more predictably (2018)
#160We have some family friends that are decent people, but lousy parents. After about 16 years of observation two of their kids have graduated (one with honors) and the older they get, the more decent they have become, very similar to their parents. What I learned: Kids will turn out like their parents. And poorly skilled parents can still raise decent and well behaved kids. Who you are and how you treat people is more…
I have 3 kids in their late teens or early twenties and we have known a lot of other parents with kids in the same age group. I have seen the exact opposite when it comes to outcome, I have seen otherwise good, intelligent people produce drug addicts and sociopaths due to their lack of parenting. I have seen hard working, successful parents produce lazy, unmotivated adults who are still living at home in their early…
The term "the apple doesn't fall far from the tree" agrees with assessment that kids mimic their parents.
But I certainly would claim "always", but I would say that if parents are absent, it's less likely they will copy their parents.
Perhaps that is the key difference? My friends spend time with their kids, even if it isn't "quality time". Maybe neglectful parents can't don't pass on good traits as easily?