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Why It Doesn't Pay to Be a People Pleaser

greatergood.berkeley.edu

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Re: Why It Doesn't Pay to Be a People Pleaser

#151
post #89

Earlier quoted context omitted.

"Pleasing people most definitely pays. That is how the world works; you give people what they want, and you get paid. Supply and demand." "Talking about truth and white lie as a dichotomy is childish. They are tools in a toolbox. If you feel guilty because you lied, then you are a slave to the principle of honesty." Integrity is wholeness of being, and it includes all of a person. It includes both the parts that will…

Sorry about the confusion. I can understand it, given my ill-defined and haphazard writing. I do define "What people want" differently than most. Most often giving people what they really need at the right time pays off in the long run. That is the approach I endorse. I think what you describe as integrity is what I endorse as well: master of all principles. Both lying and honesty are part of the toolkit. I would add…

Huh, interesting. All of what you said here is what I agree to, other than labeling.

One of the weird practices I have done is something called Demon Feeding. It descended from the Tibetan traditions, so it still carries it's shamanic/magical/tantric roots, but in this form, it was rebased in Western roots.

Each section is an amazing practice on it's own, and the first three sections sharpen discriminating awareness and empathy. Over time, practitioners not only learn to distinguish wants from needs, they also learn to dig for the need under the want. The practice does not stop there. After ascertaining the need, the practitioner than finds out what would be felt after fulfilling that need. That resulting feeling is what someone is searching for.

The practice is usually done with the self first, and over mant iterations, you start getting towards the ground. Dig deep enough and across enough iteration, the answer to "how will you feel if you get what you need" will tend to converge on one answer.

Re: Why It Doesn't Pay to Be a People Pleaser

#152
post #65

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Thank you for speaking my mind. I have been saying this wherever I see these karma-mechanisms being employed (likes, hearts, click buttons). I have not seen any website disclose to explain what exactly these button-clicks do to help anyone? These are basically waste of time and useless. I would not have helped you a bit if I had just clicked the up arrow on your comment (nor would I have helped the HN owners with the…

> I have not seen any website disclose to explain what exactly these button-clicks do to help anyone? Wild guess, you entered the world of online interactions after mailing lists. These buttons address the need of people to be "contributing". Before "+1"/"like", we had "me too". People want to feel like they're supporting views they like, and that button gives them that way, leaving space for more meaningful contribu…

I've been communicating online since the days when Yahoo bought the eGroup/Onelist.

The "me too" is fine, but ultimately, what does all these clicks entail in a long run? Have they helped reduce the clutter and/or enhance the value of the conversation? What about the value of the commentator and his/her aggregate contribution? Do the number value provide any insight? Say that I may be an expert on Topic A, and I have gathered a whole lot of numbers (karma, or whatever else) due to my expertise on Topic A. What does that say to the reader, on my lack of expertise on Topic B, C, D?

The "me too" does not actually add anything to the value and diversity of opinion (other than it adds to the group-think).

Re: Why It Doesn't Pay to Be a People Pleaser

#153
post #140
post #109

Earlier quoted context omitted.

??? Why on earth would I say this to my children? ??? Such a weird assumption to make ...

It is the straightforward assumption that house ape was used to refer to the original posters son returned from adulthood and with a negative connotation. That is why the assumption was made. I cannot imagine what other use you could have imagined given such clear context.

That I would use it in a context/audience that wasn't my children. I personally find that an odd default assumption.

I under no circumstance assumed that OP says "house ape" to his sons face .... did you?

Maybe I'm the odd duck here.

Re: Why It Doesn't Pay to Be a People Pleaser

#155
post #153
post #140

Earlier quoted context omitted.

It is the straightforward assumption that house ape was used to refer to the original posters son returned from adulthood and with a negative connotation. That is why the assumption was made. I cannot imagine what other use you could have imagined given such clear context.

That I would use it in a context/audience that wasn't my children. I personally find that an odd default assumption. I under no circumstance assumed that OP says "house ape" to his sons face .... did you? Maybe I'm the odd duck here.

It's clearly about his son, though I don't assume he says it straight to his face. I thought you were also thinking of your offspring. Sorry I've misunderstood.

Re: Why It Doesn't Pay to Be a People Pleaser

#156
post #141

Earlier quoted context omitted.

There are roughly three stages in extra-personal development. 1. The Selfish : You tell people what they want to hear. 2. The Truthsayer : You tell people what they need to hear. 3. The Altruistic : You tell people what they need to hear when they are ready. I am assuming John cares about Jack. If he still ignores Jack, then John is part of the Selfish. He is misled by just short-term benefits. The Selfish and the Al…

There are roughly three stages in extra-personal development. I'm interested to learn some more. Is it your personal classification or do you base it on some research, literature etc.? Could you recommend something to read on a subject of extra-personal development?

This is my personal classification.

If I had to trace my thoughts, I would point to Lord Chesterfield, Neil Strauss, and Dale Carnegie, in that order.

Also lots of efforts to change people's (read: friends) behavioral patterns. I think, especially for psychology, most valuable insights come from experience, not books. Read the books, and apply the principles.

Re: Why It Doesn't Pay to Be a People Pleaser

#157
post #144

Earlier quoted context omitted.

First off, rapport isn't just from neuro-linguistic programming. (Funny you mention it, I was just reading an NLP book couple days ago.) And also to the HN crowd, you should specify NLP; most will think Natural Language Processing and be confused. I agree with you on all of your points. With a feeling, you should figure out what caused it, and then figure out what caused that, and then recurse backwards until you act…

Jerry Talley who taught intimacy at Stanford some time ago has a great lecture on this Do you know if it is available online?

Not quite the same lecture (he must have updated it), but here it is.

http://www.jltalley.com/presentations/PeerCounseling

Re: Why It Doesn't Pay to Be a People Pleaser

#158
post #96

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Give them what they want, not what they need. But many people would have a problem with the above statement. We want to give them what they need. So envelop what they need with what they want. Just like a Trojan horse, once your product is bought/used, they will eventually recognize the benefits of fulfilling their serious need.

"Give them what they want, not what they need. But many people would have a problem with the above statement. We want to give them what they need." Generally, most people don't have a clear understanding of what they want vs. what they need, and have even more confusions about what other people need. "So envelop what they need with what they want." Sure, that works fairly well. It's not the only approach. There are a…

I just watched the Tony Robbins documentary, and I am rethinking about this. He cuts through the noise with profanities, and says the truth. And it works.

Hmmmm.

Re: Why It Doesn't Pay to Be a People Pleaser

#159
post #144

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Jerry Talley who taught intimacy at Stanford some time ago has a great lecture on this Do you know if it is available online?

Not quite the same lecture (he must have updated it), but here it is. http://www.jltalley.com/presentations/PeerCounseling

Awesome, I wasn't even expecting a reply by now!

Re: Why It Doesn't Pay to Be a People Pleaser

#160
post #159

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Not quite the same lecture (he must have updated it), but here it is. http://www.jltalley.com/presentations/PeerCounseling

Awesome, I wasn't even expecting a reply by now!

I did the self-absorbed thing and looked at my comments, glad that my procrastination led to something useful!
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