Hacker News Board Hacker News, browsed like a classic message board
Live data from Hacker News

The Lethality of Loneliness

newrepublic.com

Post reply on HN
Print view View original

141–150 of 166 posts

Re: The Lethality of Loneliness

#141

Post by intellegacy »

hosh wrote: post #68
err_badprocrast wrote: post #11

Earlier quoted context omitted.

FTA: 'Loneliness “is not synonymous with being alone, nor does being with others guarantee protection from feelings of loneliness,” writes John Cacioppo, the leading psychologist on the subject. Cacioppo privileges the emotion over the social fact because—remarkably—he’s sure that it’s the feeling that wreaks havoc on the body and brain. Not everyone agrees with him, of course. Another school of thought insists that…

Neither. This kind of loneliness has as much to do with rejecting oneself as it is being rejected by other people. Each of us have emotional wounds inside that are sensitive. We typically wrap layers and layers of personality, activities, and rationalizations to protect it. And if it gets through that, it triggers some protective emotional outbursts or behaviors. Or we shut down, like the woman in catatonia. It is us…

Insightful emotional intelligence you don't see often on HN. Where/how did you learn that?

Re: The Lethality of Loneliness

#142

Post by intellegacy »

hosh wrote: post #80
virtualwhys wrote: post #20

and then there are the twinkle eyed ones that spend huge amounts of time alone (hermits, monks/nuns on long term solo retreat). It probably has less to do with being alone than feeling alone. For lay people, however, living alone in the world goes against the grain; hard not to feel like an odd ball. Something the article does not touch on is accepting the reality of alone-ness: we're all alone together (quote from a…

It does have more to do with feeling alone. Hermits, monks, nuns, sages, sadhus, ascetics, cultivators, shamans, mind travellers from all around the world of different wisdom traditions typically have essentially the same practice. Each is looking into themselves to gain insights about the world. This insight is at the core of everything: We live in an *illusion* that we are separate from each other. This is at the c…

This is amazing! So insightful.

Can I talk to you sometime via email? I'm interested in your thoughts about how to bring people together and be less lonely.

BTW why can't I follow you on quora?

Re: The Lethality of Loneliness

#143

Post by downandout »

brandall10 wrote: post #69
leoh wrote: post #28

I thought the most profound thing mentioned in this article was that loneliness was about intimacy. Not necessarily physical intimacy, but social intimacy. This is exceedingly important subtlety. Too often we say things like "go be social, go hang out." You can "be social", but non-intimate relationships (relationships with people you don't trust, people who are cruel, people who aren't authentic) do not have good th…

The loneliest period of my life was during my clubbing days in my 20s. I was out doing something almost every night, had a few dozen people I called friends. Sometimes it was alot of fun, but it was ultimately draining... the connections were superficial at best. Moved away shortly after turning 26, stopped answering almost all calls and had little social interaction for about 6 mos. Then I got a dog and started meet…

"Water water everywhere, but not a drop to drink". I have definitely been through similar periods in my life. The problem with having a volume of superficial "friends" is that it artificially covers up our loneliness to some degree, which makes seeking out more intimate relationships less of a priority. It's the emotional equivalent of attempting to live on fast food: it makes us feel full, but leaves us starving for what we actually need.

Re: The Lethality of Loneliness

#144

Post by Kurtz79 »

tarr11 wrote: post #34
navs wrote: post #16

So what do you folks do to combat loneliness? I've tried meetup.com but the groups I joined haven't quite worked out for me. Outside of work acquaintances and classmates, I don't socialize.

you need a shared project, mission, experience, goal, or whatever to bond with people. Meetup is not that - you drink a beer, then just leave after an hour or two. If you work on a project together, though, even on github, you will probably become good friends Volunteer, get a job you believe in, work on an open source project with someone.

This is a great point, I agree completely.

Re: The Lethality of Loneliness

#145

Post by eli_gottlieb »

greenlander wrote: post #121
breakupapp wrote: post #90

Earlier quoted context omitted.

So what's a good solution to shortening the time it takes to meet one's fiancée?

99% of mainstream dating advice is hogwash. Learn the truth about women. Start reading: http://dalrock.wordpress.com/ http://heartiste.wordpress.com/ The best dating advice is concentrated on men who are players or aspire to be. But the skills to seduce a fling and a future wife are very similar. If you want to catch a great woman, you must have the skills to catch any woman.

Get. The. Hell. Out.

Re: The Lethality of Loneliness

#146

Post by VLM »

warfangle wrote: post #118
VLM wrote: post #59

Earlier quoted context omitted.

You are 100% correct in that before my dog died of stomach cancer some years back, I could not walk him down the street without massive attention from pretty much everyone. Note this was a cute Sheltie essentially a miniature hyperactive "Lassie" not a raging pit bull, which might be relevant to discussion. Aside from street encounters there's a whole "dog subculture" of agility training, which my dog was completely…

Please discontinue the stereotype that pitbulls are raging. :( Up until they became a favorite in a bad scene, they were known as nanny dogs. If you get them young and from a non-abusive context and train them well, they're absolutely adoring.

In 2013 the percentage with a proper upbringing appears to be very low in the general population. Stereotype stands. This is very relevant to the "trying to socialize" topic in that trying to convince the general populace that your demonized dog breed is an angel kind of misses the point that a cute miniature lassie is a ridiculous effective people magnet.

Re: The Lethality of Loneliness

#147

Post by sigkill »

brandall10 wrote: post #108
alashley wrote: post #86

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I know what you mean. A friend of mine was saying he was heavily into the party scene in the years before he met his now fiancée. He said meeting her earlier would have saved him years of going out to clubs for the sake of not feeling lonely. And of course a lot of use feel like it is easier to meet someone when we don't have our walls up. But most connections made at a club are superficial at best like you said.

Just to be clear - these weren't people I randomly met going out. Most of them started as friends from college, friends from work, friends of those friends, etc. This was a big social circle that was fairly consistant/intact for a period of about 5 years. We did most things together and from an outsider's perspective we were close knit. But really the glue was we partied well and we did it often, perhaps a vibe of mu…

I've noticed that it's hard for me to join a group of people that has more than 2-3 people. Thinking back, throughout my entire life, I've always been in groups of 'only' 2-3, or 5 people tops. I tried doing the whole 'going out of your comfort zone' and getting into groups which had 9-10 people but the vibes they gave were exactly like you said - superficial. You had this constant feeling that the other people weren't above backstabbing/trampling you over to achieve their means. It felt kind of hollow, and I slowly started to drift away from them to meet others.

Re: The Lethality of Loneliness

#148

Post by sigkill »

taurath wrote: post #129
greenlander wrote: post #121

Earlier quoted context omitted.

99% of mainstream dating advice is hogwash. Learn the truth about women. Start reading: http://dalrock.wordpress.com/ http://heartiste.wordpress.com/ The best dating advice is concentrated on men who are players or aspire to be. But the skills to seduce a fling and a future wife are very similar. If you want to catch a great woman, you must have the skills to catch any woman.

The above advice is probably really good if you think of women as objects.

If you can have a Class of Human, I don't see the problem having women AND men as objects.

Re: The Lethality of Loneliness

#149

Post by VLM »

navs wrote: post #100
LoganCale wrote: post #94

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I joined a weekly hiking group.

I'm considering this myself. Did you find you needed prior experience before partaking?

This is like warning bells that someone is about to buy new boots and then go on their first hike.

Three simple hiking rules:

1) Never wear new boots on a trail. Sittin in the office, sure. Walking around the grocery store, sure. Walk around the block at home, sure. A day of yard work, sure. But never wear new boots on a trail. Many groups will kick you out and send you home if your boots aren't looking old and scruffy enough, nothing personal they just don't want to have to do wilderness rescue on you.

2) Bring more water than you think you'll need. Newbies always guess low. If you're feeling thirsty you've already failed. If you don't end the hike with water leftover you've failed.

3) It's considered very poor form to have to ask someone else for first aid stuff, although its considered even worse form not to help someone who needs it, and the cheapest lightest smallest kit is probably about right. Doesn't have to be some giant backpack a little pocket sized thing is fine.

Everything else you can learn from the group. Leave No Trace philosophy and orienteering and all that stuff. Which is an excellent conversation starter, where did you learn to read topo maps, what kind of plant is that, etc.

Re: The Lethality of Loneliness

#150

Post by dagw »

navs wrote: post #100
LoganCale wrote: post #94

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I joined a weekly hiking group.

I'm considering this myself. Did you find you needed prior experience before partaking?

Depends very much on the group. Some are super hard core and love nothing more than hiking 30-40 miles at a quick pace over mountainous terrains before building a bivouac and eating a freeze dried meal, while others are super relaxed and love nothing more than taking a leisurely 7 mile walk and ending up at a nice pub. Ask around and try to find a group that fits you.
Post reply on HN