Making peace with your unlived dreams (2023)

The inverse was true for me, at 40 I realised a lot of doors are now closed or closing.

I turned 40 the other day.

There has been unrelenting reflection on where I am and how I got here. A lot of lament for a small handful of decisions and a life marked by avoiding uncomfortable decisions. I don't know where the last 20 years have gone. Last I remember, I was playing Wii in my friend's basement. I remember the seemingly endless opportunities nights laid out before us. DVDs and pizza and furious laughter. I remember waking up in strange places. I don't know when that all ended. It ended.

I had a friend describe middle age as suddenly being able to see the outline of the cage. It's apt.

I'd have liked to have gone to a real college, had the college experience. I'd have liked to have mended friendships.

40 has such a strange loneliness to it, I take solace in my children. My friends had children years before me and it made friendships tiring. The age gap in our children now that I have my own has not helped.

I spent much of the last decade collecting retro video games. I have a room full of them. It came to me recently, I don't think I actually enjoy games. I enjoyed playing them with friends, but by myself they're hollow. I don't play games with friends anymore. When my kids get a little older we'll have fun.

I've had Damien Rice's "Older Chests" playing in my head on repeat despite my best efforts to drown it out.

I am in therapy, but I think I have just too strong of a mask for anyone else to truly pierce.

I'll get out of this funk eventually, I should take this as a wake up call.

When I was young, I wanted to become a physicist. The physicists I admired were people like Faraday and George Green. I was moved by the lives of people who, despite difficult circumstances, reached toward nature through their own curiosity and discipline.

But when I actually entered graduate school, I realized that I had not learned English well enough. I could understand books written in Korean, but reading papers in English was too difficult for me. During my two years in graduate school, I could not keep up. I eventually dropped out, carrying a large amount of debt, and began living in Seoul.

After that, I was scammed and began my career as a programmer under bad conditions. I was cheated over rent, and then my first development job started at a Korean dispatch-development company where my experience was inflated and I was registered not as an employee, but as a subcontracted development business owner. Because of that, I could not receive severance pay.

I have paid off all my debts now. Still, what I became was not what I wanted to become: a single man in his mid-thirties, with no house of my own, no rented room of my own, and freelance work that has been cut off since May after the Iran war disrupted the market. I did not want my life to turn out this way. Even so, in my own way, I live with a certain contentment.

In that sense, I am always grateful to programming. Whether the code was written with AI or by my own hands, the computer has never betrayed my expectations.

Once upon a time, I thought I could leverage my weight into attempting wrestling. My Doctor reiterated the same warning I’d gotten for karate, for boxing, for judo, for every martial art I’d ever wanted to try and take prior: one errant hit, and your damaged organ would need a transplant.

It’s just way too risky. That being said, I do think I’d like to find an instructor to help me focus on solo practice without having to go through the usual progression ladders/belts/rankings. For the meditation and body improvement, at the very least.

> I'm 6'2" and have size 13 feet. I'm not making my shoulder, hips, or feet smaller without a hammer.

Eyy, same! My wake-up moment was trying to fold myself into an Impreza WRX and realizing most fun sports cars are not made for tall people.