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Dad brains: How fatherhood rewires the male mind

bbc.com

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Re: Dad brains: How fatherhood rewires the male mind

#141

Post by JKCalhoun »

tasuki wrote: post #138

> The more involved a father is with their baby's care, the deeper this transition becomes My partner died when my child was a year and a half, so I'm more involved than basically any father, to the point that my experience is much closer to a mother's, a role in which my only solace is seeing myself struggle slightly less than many mothers. It's reassuring to read an article confirming I'm screwed.

And yet…

Even (especially) in hindsight it will have been the greatest thing you did with your life. At least this has become clear to me (now 27 years a father).

Re: Dad brains: How fatherhood rewires the male mind

#142

Post by tasuki »

dlenski wrote: post #86
strix_varius wrote: post #69

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I also have been surprised by how fun fatherhood is. When kids are days, weeks, months old, they're constantly experiencing new things. That's the first tree she ever saw! It's amazing to experience the world through them. When they're a couple years old, you see them learning and connecting and developing a unique personality. I love it when my two year old picks up on things that I missed, or teaches me something.…

> I also have been surprised by how fun fatherhood is. Same here. My son is approaching two, and he's a blast. He can be tiring, he can be a big ol’ mess, but he's never boring . He's healthy and he eats well and he's a good sleeper, so he doesn't give us much to worry about. He charms everyone he meets, he explores everything, and every day is just a fireworks show of new delights and discoveries. I go on a business…

[flagged]

Re: Dad brains: How fatherhood rewires the male mind

#143

Post by JKCalhoun »

roody15 wrote: post #3

As a father of 3 daughters now approaching 50 with my oldest now 24 … I will say that I believe some of this is true. Perhaps it is just the life altering effect of raising children or maybe is biological as well. You can definitely pickup on whether another male is a father or not.

"As a father of 3 daughters now approaching 50 with my oldest now 24…"

You and I are akin (I waited a decade longer to start a family though.)

I definitely see my life as divided between before and after having had kids. I mean that's pretty obvious—and you can find any other big event in life and make that claim. But for me there has been nothing more dramatic to have redirected my own life.

To the point that (and this might not sound fair to people without kids) my life before kids seems in a way rather shallow, hedonist. I feel as though that was the demarcation for when I first cared for someone more than I do myself.

Photos of my time before becoming a father: I look at them and wonder who that guy was. What the hell was he doing with his life? Purposefulness came with fatherhood. A full identity change. To the point that when they left the nest, I was suddenly overwhelmed with purposelessness.

Re: Dad brains: How fatherhood rewires the male mind

#144

Post by JKCalhoun »

dlenski wrote: post #88
roody15 wrote: post #3

As a father of 3 daughters now approaching 50 with my oldest now 24 … I will say that I believe some of this is true. Perhaps it is just the life altering effect of raising children or maybe is biological as well. You can definitely pickup on whether another male is a father or not.

> You can definitely pickup on whether another male is a father or not. Hah, yep. There's a quality of patience and looking out for small children that nearly 100% of other dads I meet have, but probably only ~30% of men without kids. And maybe even less than that, since the ones who are willing to hang out with me in my fatherly state are a self-selecting bunch.

Ha ha, I never thought babies were "cute" until I had one of my own. Now I can't stop to smile, wave when a baby is pushed by in a stroller (to the embarrassment of my wife for some reason).

Re: Dad brains: How fatherhood rewires the male mind

#146

Post by JKCalhoun »

dividefuel wrote: post #67
jvanderbot wrote: post #50

Not to the direct thesis of the article, but I want to share one absolute 180 I had after having kids. Before kiddos I took the apriori belief that it would kinda suck. The belief was unassailable because I thought, evolutionarily, if it was fun to have kids it wouldn't be fun to make them - otherwise we'd endure unfun "making" because we know the having would be fun. I know now how stupid that was on many levels. Ju…

Ah I wish I could agree. I've found having kids to be a major challenge. Maybe I just need to wait for them to get a little older.

It's a challenge though that, as I posted already, gives my life a purpose for something outside me.

Worst though (spoiler), it may have become an even a bigger challenge as they have become starting adults. In many ways they were so much easier in elementary school…

Re: Dad brains: How fatherhood rewires the male mind

#147

Post by JKCalhoun »

theturtlemoves wrote: post #91
andy99 wrote: post #16

Saw this earlier today, I think it’s very flawed and ideological, unfortunately other posts mentioning this got flagged. First there’s the idea that “nurturing” is somehow what kids need and better for them automatically, that whatever a stereotypical man does with kids is bad for them, and we need to be rewired by pheromones or whatever to be more sensitive. And as a corollary the idea that a high-T man somehow is a…

Four things are needed. Stereotypically they're divided Dad: Protect and provide Mom: Nurture and nourish You could do it differently, but that only works if you swap one, not share half half. Both have been eroded. Kids are raised by strangers, our food is crap, you can't warn each other about dangers cause that's somehow an insult and a single income doesn't pay the bills. The goal seems to be to set men and women…

"The goal seems to be to set men and women against each other."

Is that not easy to disregard? I certainly feel like my wife and I disregarded it raising our kids.

Re: Dad brains: How fatherhood rewires the male mind

#148

Post by silexia »

JKCalhoun wrote: post #141
tasuki wrote: post #138

> The more involved a father is with their baby's care, the deeper this transition becomes My partner died when my child was a year and a half, so I'm more involved than basically any father, to the point that my experience is much closer to a mother's, a role in which my only solace is seeing myself struggle slightly less than many mothers. It's reassuring to read an article confirming I'm screwed.

And yet… Even (especially) in hindsight it will have been the greatest thing you did with your life. At least this has become clear to me (now 27 years a father).

I have done a lot on life... Bootstrapped a mid eight figures business debt free, climbed Mt Rainier, tons of friends, etc.

Nothing in life remotely matters to me as much as my kids. I would trade everything above for any one of my kids.

Re: Dad brains: How fatherhood rewires the male mind

#149

Post by strix_varius »

tasuki wrote: post #142
dlenski wrote: post #86

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> I also have been surprised by how fun fatherhood is. Same here. My son is approaching two, and he's a blast. He can be tiring, he can be a big ol’ mess, but he's never boring . He's healthy and he eats well and he's a good sleeper, so he doesn't give us much to worry about. He charms everyone he meets, he explores everything, and every day is just a fireworks show of new delights and discoveries. I go on a business…

[flagged]

I think this is an unfair characterization. I also go on business trips - about six a year, one week each.

That leaves 230 days of waking up, getting dressed, and walking to preschool. 322 nights of bath time and reading and tucking in.

The occasional trip for work doesn't negate the steady state effort that fatherhood requires.

Re: Dad brains: How fatherhood rewires the male mind

#150

Post by pseudohadamard »

roody15 wrote: post #3

As a father of 3 daughters now approaching 50 with my oldest now 24 … I will say that I believe some of this is true. Perhaps it is just the life altering effect of raising children or maybe is biological as well. You can definitely pickup on whether another male is a father or not.

  You can definitely pickup on whether another male is a father or not.
Dad bod, dad jokes, and complaining about the kids are always a sure giveaway :-).
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