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Root for your friends

josephthacker.com

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Re: Root for your friends

#141

Post by dwaltrip »

neom wrote: post #55
mierz00 wrote: post #52

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I refuse to believe this is normal and I have happily cut people out of my life for this. The most painful moment was when I had a close friend almost enjoy the fact my wife had a miscarriage. It was completely insensitive and made me realise that I have no interest in being friends with someone who is willing to compete on something so ridiculous.

I feel like I took a wrong turn somewhere such that I'm learning all this in my midlife. I genuinely believed the only place for "ruthless competition" was in sports and business, and in theory you know what you're signing up for. The past couple of years have been very eye opening to me, to learn people take such pleasure in such miserable things. (I also didn't know about this till recently: https://www.quora.com/W…

There are a lot of hurting people out there, and often times people will take their pain out on others, even if they don't mean to.

Learning to disengage or set firm boundaries in situations where that is happening is one of the most powerful and healthy things one can do.

Re: Root for your friends

#142

Post by basket_horse »

lapcat wrote: post #98

The nominal subject of the article is "friends", but it appears that the article is best understood as about work friends. Perhaps "allies" would be a more appropriate term? I hope that the author has some work/life balance and can feel the difference between these two categories. I would define a friend as someone with whom you enjoy spending time. There doesn't need to be a goal except to "hang out". Do you really…

Agree. The article treats friendship as a career tool rather than a meaningful connection. Real friends aren’t just hype men or professional assets — they’re people who stick around through ups and downs.

> > It’s deeply believing that a rising tide lifts all boats. > I deeply believe that this is utterly naive.

While I don't fully disagree, I have often seen younger employees fall into the trap of overly chasing individual advantage over collective benefit. In other words, trying to be an all-star rather than a team player. Perhaps this is from schooling, where all that matters is getting an "A", but in the workplace it often results in being disliked and less likely to be promoted.

Re: Root for your friends

#143

Post by NickC25 »

photochemsyn wrote: post #104

The most dishonest fraudulent academic researcher I even encountered made a point of encouraging collegiality, but eventually I realized this was part of his scheme for not being exposed as a fraud. Everyone in his department knew he was fudging his data, but nobody called him on it because he was such a nice guy to everyone else. This is how you end up with systematic institutional corruption in academic departments…

He could have been a fraud or not, but you might have been missing his point.

Perhaps his point was that he just genuinely liked to be a decent human being instead of rolling into work each day with an attitude of "I'm better than all of you peons, fuck you and your families, may (deity of your choice) condemn you all to death and perpetual hellfire"

I've been in a position where I shouldn't have been before. I too was kind to everyone. Whether or not I was good at my job or role has no effect on basic human decency, or holding the door, saying good morning, or not cutting someone off deliberately in the company parking lot.

There's two kinds of respect - earned, and given. People seem to not understand that, and see no reason why they shouldn't slam the door in the person behind them's face. You can be kind to everyone, it doesn't cost you anything. Give people props when they deserve it, but don't smash the homeless dude on the street's face when you walk by him - he's human too.

You should support those who do good work, and call out those who don't. But you don't have to be an asshole to them, either.

Re: Root for your friends

#144

Post by tome »

nthingtohide wrote: post #116
ketzo wrote: post #4

For a long time, I’ve been this person for other people, but don’t feel like I have anybody to do this for me. That’s okay — I don’t feel bitter about that or anything. And I don’t wanna overstate what a good friend I am or whatever, I just do this a decent amount. But some part of me does wish I had someone celebrating my wins. This: “No one comes to mind? Maybe you haven’t really trusted anyone with your wins yet.”…

I have borrowed some "wisdom" in how particles interact. They exchange particles back and forth which strengthen their interaction. That's what I do generally in real life. I sort of share happenings in my life as a sort of nano-influencer within my group of friends. I would say the advice in the blogpost works, sort of. Even if my "contributions" go into a blackhole, I think atleast the ephemeral Universe is watchin…

> I have borrowed some "wisdom" in how particles interact. They exchange particles back and forth

If particles interact by exchanging particles, how do they interact with the particles they exchange?

Re: Root for your friends

#147

Post by LtWorf »

borski wrote: post #65
protocolture wrote: post #37

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Ditto. What gets me is when I have a few times found the people I am hyping for are actually putting me down, or selling me out to management.

Fair, but the post briefly alluded to this: > Even if you root for the “wrong” friends, it’s still the best way to live. Life is better not feeling jealous. You can sleep so much easier at night by genuinely being happy for your friends, even if they’re a bit jealous of you.

Sounds very deep until it is you being in that situation.

Re: Root for your friends

#148

Post by epolanski »

I have two points I want to make:

1) friends definition is vague and often based on language. In Italian or English friend is a word that could include for a single person dozens of people, in many Slavic countries you only use that word for your very best closest friends (the one you can count on one hand).

2) being a humble rooter at work has done better for me and many I know than being the star player. I'm the same person, I just give to others credit and never brag about anything. People notice, people like you, people want you around in projects, end up rooting for your advancements too.

Re: Root for your friends

#149

Post by saghm »

tome wrote: post #144
nthingtohide wrote: post #116

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I have borrowed some "wisdom" in how particles interact. They exchange particles back and forth which strengthen their interaction. That's what I do generally in real life. I sort of share happenings in my life as a sort of nano-influencer within my group of friends. I would say the advice in the blogpost works, sort of. Even if my "contributions" go into a blackhole, I think atleast the ephemeral Universe is watchin…

> I have borrowed some "wisdom" in how particles interact. They exchange particles back and forth If particles interact by exchanging particles, how do they interact with the particles they exchange?

I'm not sure I understand this question. If I hand someone a book, we're both interacting with the book as well as each other, so why wouldn't this also hold true for particles?

Re: Root for your friends

#150

Post by saghm »

te_chris wrote: post #131
anshumankmr wrote: post #87

Earlier quoted context omitted.

you would need to be the Buddha to feel nothing. And note jealousy type things, but say someone who you thought was a friend but was sabotaging you or bad for you... a toxic person. Jealousy is inane.

The point is not to feel nothing, the point is not to get lost in the feeling. There’s a big difference. Check out The Untethered Soul by Michael Singer

I think this is something that easily gets lost in discussions about feelings/emotions. There's a difference between how you feel and how you act based on it; feeling an emotion is a natural response that you can't control, but that doesn't determine how you act based on that emotion, even if it does bias you towards certain actions. In my experience, being able to maintain a distinction between those things is hugely important in being able to consistently choose how to act independent of that bias.

The key for me is understanding that the emotion itself isn't a choice, and therefore isn't something I need to try to control it feel guilty about. Feeling angry or jealous or sad is unavoidable, but feeling those emotions without acting in ways that fuels them without any other reason often ends up making people feel worse for longer. I don't want to make it seem like I don't struggle with this as much as anyone else, but the times when I've been able to follow my own advice about this pretty much universally have ended up better for me than the times when I let my emotions dictate my actions.

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