Hacker News Board Hacker News, browsed like a classic message board
Live data from Hacker News

The Never Married, a New Normal

psychologytoday.com

Post reply on HN
Print view View original

141–150 of 450 posts

Re: The Never Married, a New Normal

#141

Post by e-brake »

dleslie wrote: post #45
dzogchen wrote: post #2

In the Netherlands, there is virtually no societal difference between people that are in a long-term relationship and live together, and married people. To the point that people call themselves husband and wife if they technically 'just' live together. My German girlfriend was shocked to learn this, in other countries (and cultures) marriage really is more of a 'thing'.

In BC, Canada, there is no practical legal difference between marriage and long term cohabitation. Not getting married and living together is rather normal, and comes with the same risk of financial segmentation and alimony or child support.

I can attest that this. There is no advantage to being married in BC (and many other places)

It's not because we are afraid of commitment, like this flimsy article suggests. We simply don't care about the symbolic ritual.

Re: The Never Married, a New Normal

#142

Post by cultofmetatron »

throwaway1492 wrote: post #49

I’ll risk it and defend marriage to this crowd. To me getting married was about getting out of myself. As someone who got married later in life, I’d spent decades living only for myself, doing what I wanted to do when I wanted to do it. Relationships were shallow and lasted only so long as convenient. By choosing to get married and intentional build a family, I knew I was sacrificing a lot of ego and choosing to give…

[flagged]

Re: The Never Married, a New Normal

#143

Post by Trasmatta »

throwaway1492 wrote: post #49

I’ll risk it and defend marriage to this crowd. To me getting married was about getting out of myself. As someone who got married later in life, I’d spent decades living only for myself, doing what I wanted to do when I wanted to do it. Relationships were shallow and lasted only so long as convenient. By choosing to get married and intentional build a family, I knew I was sacrificing a lot of ego and choosing to give…

Marriage isn’t a pre-requisite for any of that

Re: The Never Married, a New Normal

#144

Post by patmcc »

prng2021 wrote: post #132
emodendroket wrote: post #127

> Cohabitation has become a popular alternative; living together is a less complicated relationship model that comes with an easy escape hatch (compared with marriage) if the relationship fails This seems like a bit of a false promise... Once you commingle finances, own a house together, have children, and so on, there's no "easy escape hatch." Plus thinking of having an "easy escape hatch" probably does not do wonde…

It says compared to marriage. And why in the world would cohabitation without marriage automatically include having children??

Marriage doesn't automatically include children either.

As for the easy escape hatch...a marriage is as simple to dissolve as the parties make it. An acrimonious common-law relationship (if your jurisdiction has such things) is easily as complicated to end as a traditional marriage.

Re: The Never Married, a New Normal

#145

Post by dragonwriter »

giantg2 wrote: post #109
dragonwriter wrote: post #87

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> Depending on your location you might already be married in a common law marriage. Generally, where common law or informal marriage is recognized at all, it requires both shared intent to marry and publicly presenting as married. I know I’ve seen fiction where it requires little more than cohabitation, but that’s not a real thing.

"I know I’ve seen fiction where it requires little more than cohabitation, but that’s not a real thing." New Hampshire: Common Law Marriage: "persons cohabiting and acknowledging each other as husband and wife, and generally reputed to be such, for the period of 3 years, and until the decease of one of them, shall thereafter be deemed to have been legally married." (N.H. Stat. §457:39) So not really a fiction. There…

Your own NH quote, emphasis added: “people cohabitating and acknowledging each other as husband and wife…” It’s not something that happens by accident just by cohabitation, even under that rule.

Your recent PA law is in accord with my point that the rules usually require mutual intent to marry plus public presentation.

Re: The Never Married, a New Normal

#146

Post by thelastgallon »

ameminator wrote: post #90
throwaway1492 wrote: post #49

I’ll risk it and defend marriage to this crowd. To me getting married was about getting out of myself. As someone who got married later in life, I’d spent decades living only for myself, doing what I wanted to do when I wanted to do it. Relationships were shallow and lasted only so long as convenient. By choosing to get married and intentional build a family, I knew I was sacrificing a lot of ego and choosing to give…

I can sacrifice my ego through meditation and acts of charity/volunteer work. No need to risk half of my current assets and future income on the whims of some potentially capricious other person, who probably doesn't like me very much anyways. Good luck to you, however.

This. Young people should read http://www.realworlddivorce.com/

Re: The Never Married, a New Normal

#147

Post by bourneavent »

throwaway1492 wrote: post #49

I’ll risk it and defend marriage to this crowd. To me getting married was about getting out of myself. As someone who got married later in life, I’d spent decades living only for myself, doing what I wanted to do when I wanted to do it. Relationships were shallow and lasted only so long as convenient. By choosing to get married and intentional build a family, I knew I was sacrificing a lot of ego and choosing to give…

[dead]

Re: The Never Married, a New Normal

#148

Post by noirbot »

throwaway1492 wrote: post #82
paulryanrogers wrote: post #69

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Having known unhappily married and religious family (and leaving the faith myself), I can understand folks falling permanently out of love. And IMO they're likely better apart than locked in decades of fruitless trying. Anyway, thanks for sharing, and I'd agree that a frivolous marriage sounds like a pointless exercise.

Falling in or out of love is really a lot of fantasy BS though really. Disney marketing. Anyone in a long term relationship doesn’t love the other all the time, wether married or not. Marriage is about declaring to your social group and each other you’ve decided to strive and commit to something greater than yourself.

Yea, and as someone who's had their social group rent in half twice in recent years because of committed marriages falling apart, I'm pretty happy with less of my friends making me meet their new partner and integrate them into my life before having an acrimonious breakup after 1-5 years.

I don't care if they love each other. I care that they're not making me pick sides and often causing me to deal with people I like moving away or quitting common hobbies so they can avoid someone they've gone from loving to loathing.

Re: The Never Married, a New Normal

#149

Post by pixodaros »

theoldlove wrote: post #114

The underlying Pew research study has a lot more meat than this pretty thin blog post: https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2021/10/05/rising-...

And good for them defining their categories "married" and "partnered" right at the start of the press release!

Re: The Never Married, a New Normal

#150

Post by PretzelPirate »

gameman144 wrote: post #62
paulryanrogers wrote: post #53

Earlier quoted context omitted.

How much of that was making the marriage official or just committing to a long-term partner? I know someone who was with their partner for years, and has been engaged for years more. I've come to the understanding they'll likely never actually marry. They appear to just want some negotiated commitment. Actual marriage appears to carry strings they're reluctant to accept. (Funds appear to be kept separate as well.)

I can speak to this in some degree: marriage is much more significant than a negotiated commitment for me personally. A negotiated commitment takes a specific form (the terms of the negotiation) but a marriage defines a commitment to be committed . I've heard some folks of my generation say things like "we got divorced because we fell out of love", which sharply contrasts with my view of marriage and falls more in li…

> I can speak to this in some degree

As you suggest at the end, this is very much your personal view.

My wife and I have been together for almost 20 years, but we've only been married for 2. Our commitment didn't change due to marriage. The only thing that changed was that things got easier from a legal perspective. We no longer need to worry about wills in the case that one of us dies, and we can make medical decisions on behalf of each other if necessary.

I suspect that for many people who don't have a religious desire to marry, marriage won't affect their level of commitment. I think this is supported by how often people get divorced.

Post reply on HN