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I’ve been single all my life

lukasrosenstock.net

141–150 of 443 posts

Re: I’ve been single all my life

#141

It seems like this quote gets to to heart of the issue: > a relationship isn’t an activity (like a job, hobby, or sport) to try and quit when you don’t like it. It requires two people, and you must find a second person willing to try. Finding someone is hard, though. This brings me back to what I said a few paragraphs ago; I don’t see myself ready to invest much in something I’m not even sure I want. Also, if it does…

I respectfully disagree. Some people cannot help but be very heavily emotionally invested.

So they should be stripped of their right to choose what they want?

Why shouldn't they be able to make decisions based on their emotions and why aren't they valid?

Re: I’ve been single all my life

#142

I felt like I had to say this FYI This guy isn't ugly, actually average looking 30yr old white guy, isn't short, is socially active. I honestly have no idea why this guy is still a virgin, im pretty sure he could find someone on a dating app if he got in shape.

>He isn't ugly, short, or awkward so shouldn't be a virgin

I've noticed this a lot: whenever a non-ugly person notes that they're perpetually single, the first thing people say is "What? But you're so handsome/tall". This strongly implies that one's physical attributes are the biggest predictor of sexual success. However when people complain that their lack of physical attractiveness is keeping them perpetually single, they'll be assuaged that looks have very little to do with it, and it's probably a personality/circumstantial problem.

Not saying that you'd be saying it, but it's something I noticed: maybe a societal-scale sort of euphemistic tactic to make people feel better. The importance of physical attractiveness, with respect to common reasoning, seems to shift to one extreme or the other depending on whether the person one is talking to is ugly or attractive.

Once an unattractive person realizes this rhetorical shift everyone performs, how could they ever believe anyone who tries to make them feel better about their looks?

Re: I’ve been single all my life

#143

I'd wonder how many women this guy (and guys who relate to this post) are incidentally meeting every week. When I was in my mid 20s after uni, it was basically zero. Just women at work, if even that. If so, this is basically the result you can expect and nothing is going to change until you get those numbers up. The common thread I see with guys not meeting women is almost never "I meet a lot of women but they never…

As someone wiser than me once commented -- nobody is going to knock on your door. If you want to meet people, you have to get out there and do things that put you around people.

Re: I’ve been single all my life

#145
post #52

>Also, if it doesn’t work out, I’m scared of leaving a broken heart in another person. This is a telling statement. It really highlights his inexperience and immaturity with regards to relationships (not that this is in doubt - it is after all the subject of his post). Being the cause of, and the sufferer of a "broken heart" is a formative experience. There's nothing like healing a broken heart to teach you that actu…

> It's a numbers game I think to enter into a relationship knowing there will be an expiration date speaks more to your character. Almost sounds like "I'm with them unless something better comes along or their shortcomings become more than I want to deal with". If you genuinely love someone, you will stand by them, work on any problems, and remember that you chose to build a future together. Given that the divorce ra…

> to enter into a relationship knowing there will be an expiration date speaks more to your character

The comment you are replying to never said, or insinuated this.

Re: I’ve been single all my life

#146
post #52

>Also, if it doesn’t work out, I’m scared of leaving a broken heart in another person. This is a telling statement. It really highlights his inexperience and immaturity with regards to relationships (not that this is in doubt - it is after all the subject of his post). Being the cause of, and the sufferer of a "broken heart" is a formative experience. There's nothing like healing a broken heart to teach you that actu…

> It's a numbers game I think to enter into a relationship knowing there will be an expiration date speaks more to your character. Almost sounds like "I'm with them unless something better comes along or their shortcomings become more than I want to deal with". If you genuinely love someone, you will stand by them, work on any problems, and remember that you chose to build a future together. Given that the divorce ra…

It's more that things change, and that one of the things that changes is the "new relationship smell." Also people change with the seasons. Someone who is outgoing and upbeat in the summer may be hell on wheels in the winter simply because of the effect the seasons have on them. You learn more about someone the longer you spend with them.

My spouse wanted to get married after 3 months of dating and I pushed back because we hadn't even been through a whole season together, let alone a year. If you want to spend a lifetime with someone you have to recognize when it's time to be practical and when it's time to throw caution to the wind and commit at any cost.

Re: I’ve been single all my life

#147
post #140

Earlier quoted context omitted.

So... how does one actually meet women?

Same way you meet any type of human. Participate in activities where socialization is a part of the activity, either intentionally or not; and actively socialize when the opportunity presents itself. As a basic filter for activities, look for things where many people participate in physical proximity, the activity has periods of intense focus and then lulls, and without a taboo on talking. It helps if the activity at…

For many men who frequent HN "Participate in activities where socialization is part of the activity" without further qualification would mean many activities where few to no single heterosexual women are present.

Re: I’ve been single all my life

#148
post #115

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Struggling with autism, I not infrequently get on the wrong literal non-metaphorical train, stand on the wrong platform for an hour, pass the station I'm meant to disembark. It's rough. But you can extrapolate that idea to working on yourself too—sometimes we forget to get off the metaphorical train, don't know which train we're meant to be getting, not even sure how to get somewhere, but as long as someone is trying…

I have to thank you for the positive mindset you're trying to teach us here! Also, as you say, it is very important to not accept bad state -- this is so important I can't stress it enough. Even more, because of how some generic people mindset can easily get you into "learned helplessness" state.

> it is very important to not accept bad state

If you’re going through hell, keep going!

Re: I’ve been single all my life

#149
post #50

Earlier quoted context omitted.

"Working on yourself will lead you where you want to go" sorry, but this is one of the worst lies ever.

If you get on a train, you are statistically more likely to reach your destination than just sitting on your ass. Yes, you may die in a fiery trainwreck, but getting on the train will lead you in the direction to where you intend to go. If you do nothing, expect nothing. If you attempt to work on your personal problems, be they psychological, physical, financial, whatever, you are more likely to make a change in your…

If you get on a train you are statistically more likely to end up somewhere completely random a long way from where you wanted to be.

Unless you already know it's the right train, in which case you probably already have a ticket and are standing on the platform with your baggage.

Re: I’ve been single all my life

#150
post #125

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Women are not baby machines or objects of beauty, they're people. Their "greatest value" is whatever they decide it to be. They should form relationships in the way that brings them the most happiness. Reducing women to objects of beauty, saying their value comes from their fertility, and implying that if they disagree with that assessment it's because they're too emotional is almost the dictionary definition of miso…

I think I understand the point you're trying to make, but this is the sort of discussion board where many people are literalists. Women literally are baby machines: from the perspective of biology, and as a critical asset in the development of the human race (especially during times of high child mortality). People get upset when you point this out, but they don't get upset because it's the truth, they get upset beca…

Appeals to literalism or objectivity often serve to create a seemingly objective and seemingly simple veneer over something that's truly subjective and complex.

In this case, "women are baby machines" is obscuring a lot:

- This is conflating being female with being a woman. Being female is a biological fact, being a woman is a distinct concept from being female. Conflating them serves to imply that our ideas about womanhood are objective rather than constructed. But most of our ideas about women have nothing to do with any biological reality - there's nothing about having two X chromosomes that means you wear dresses or engage in girltalk.

- Many women can't have children. However, if a woman has a hysterectomy, we generally don't say she's no longer a woman.

- Many people who can have children don't identify as being a woman.

- Having the capacity to bear children doesn't imply that this is your "greatest value." This is a normative statement, not a factual one. You can't prove a normative statement from factual statements. [1]

- We don't organize our society around biology. We weren't born with wings, but we fly. A woman's biology shouldn't limit her ability to pursue her own happiness. If she doesn't want to settle down in her 20s, chiding her for letting her biological clock run down is patronizing, moralizing, and unjustified.

People don't get upset because the truth is too hot to handle. They get upset because this is a bad faith line of argumentation used to justify bigotry - getting upset is a reasonable reaction to that.

[1] https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Is%E2%80%93ought_problem

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