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The art of not taking things personally

medium.dave-bailey.com

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Re: The art of not taking things personally

#141

Post by V-2 »

zwkrt wrote: post #3

As I get older, the less I identify as my current state and the more I identify with the person who transitions through states. My change in perspective has reduced my anxieties and anger significantly. "This too shall pass" and all that. The more of my self image is focused on superficial things, the more I will take things personally. What we are angry about tends to be a reflection of ourselves more than the curre…

"As I get older, the less I identify as my current state and the more I identify with the person who transitions through states."

This sounds neat, but once you set the states aside - what's left? :) Who's that person? Our identity is a sum of these states. The rest (navigating through states) is an illusion. Just like movement in a video is an illusion created by consecutive frames. The sense of continuity is a magic trick.

I could agree that some (perhaps most, who knows) self-identifications are unnecessary and burdening, toxic even. And possibly cost more than the value they bring into our life, especially since we tend to cling on to them for too long.

"This too shall pass", if meant as a universal motto, isn't an attitude that would inevitably stem from this observation, though (in my view).

Say, being a parent is also a phase, in a way, it's just a state of my life and personhood. Not the essence of myself. But I do care about my son nevertheless. This makes me more vulnerable and potentially frustrated, but well, that's what constitutes being a person.

"What we are angry about tends to be a reflection of ourselves more than the current state of affairs"

That's no different from what we're happy about, etc. Without personhood all is just an enormous cloud of elementary particles floating in the dark

Re: The art of not taking things personally

#142

Post by dr_dshiv »

V-2 wrote: post #141
zwkrt wrote: post #3

As I get older, the less I identify as my current state and the more I identify with the person who transitions through states. My change in perspective has reduced my anxieties and anger significantly. "This too shall pass" and all that. The more of my self image is focused on superficial things, the more I will take things personally. What we are angry about tends to be a reflection of ourselves more than the curre…

"As I get older, the less I identify as my current state and the more I identify with the person who transitions through states." This sounds neat, but once you set the states aside - what's left? :) Who's that person? Our identity is a sum of these states. The rest (navigating through states) is an illusion. Just like movement in a video is an illusion created by consecutive frames. The sense of continuity is a magi…

> Without personhood all is just an enormous cloud of elementary particles floating in the dark

I don't understand. Dropping personhood and ego doesn't mean dropping feeling, wisdom or meaning. In fact, it is precisely when the ego is dissolved that we can feel most meaningfully connected to ultimate reality. Our personhood is not what makes raw matter ("elementary particles floating in the dark") vibrant, alive and coherent. Personhood is a very useful social-cognitive illusion but, when dropped, the world tends to become richer not more empty. Nah?

Re: The art of not taking things personally

#143

Post by _y5hn »

dr_dshiv wrote: post #142
V-2 wrote: post #141

Earlier quoted context omitted.

"As I get older, the less I identify as my current state and the more I identify with the person who transitions through states." This sounds neat, but once you set the states aside - what's left? :) Who's that person? Our identity is a sum of these states. The rest (navigating through states) is an illusion. Just like movement in a video is an illusion created by consecutive frames. The sense of continuity is a magi…

> Without personhood all is just an enormous cloud of elementary particles floating in the dark I don't understand. Dropping personhood and ego doesn't mean dropping feeling, wisdom or meaning. In fact, it is precisely when the ego is dissolved that we can feel most meaningfully connected to ultimate reality. Our personhood is not what makes raw matter ("elementary particles floating in the dark") vibrant, alive and…

Your understanding is ultimately for you, an illusion, but also a convenient and necessary part of life.

Re: The art of not taking things personally

#144

Post by momirlan »

dr_dshiv wrote: post #142
V-2 wrote: post #141

Earlier quoted context omitted.

"As I get older, the less I identify as my current state and the more I identify with the person who transitions through states." This sounds neat, but once you set the states aside - what's left? :) Who's that person? Our identity is a sum of these states. The rest (navigating through states) is an illusion. Just like movement in a video is an illusion created by consecutive frames. The sense of continuity is a magi…

> Without personhood all is just an enormous cloud of elementary particles floating in the dark I don't understand. Dropping personhood and ego doesn't mean dropping feeling, wisdom or meaning. In fact, it is precisely when the ego is dissolved that we can feel most meaningfully connected to ultimate reality. Our personhood is not what makes raw matter ("elementary particles floating in the dark") vibrant, alive and…

Totally agree.

Re: The art of not taking things personally

#145

Post by momirlan »

V-2 wrote: post #141
zwkrt wrote: post #3

As I get older, the less I identify as my current state and the more I identify with the person who transitions through states. My change in perspective has reduced my anxieties and anger significantly. "This too shall pass" and all that. The more of my self image is focused on superficial things, the more I will take things personally. What we are angry about tends to be a reflection of ourselves more than the curre…

"As I get older, the less I identify as my current state and the more I identify with the person who transitions through states." This sounds neat, but once you set the states aside - what's left? :) Who's that person? Our identity is a sum of these states. The rest (navigating through states) is an illusion. Just like movement in a video is an illusion created by consecutive frames. The sense of continuity is a magi…

Identity is not the sum of states. You need to transcend the states to find there is something deeper.

Re: The art of not taking things personally

#146

Post by momirlan »

TeMPOraL wrote: post #122
justinpombrio wrote: post #75

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> Very few things bother me, and very few things excite me. In my view, this is perfectly natural. Your emotions are tied to your expectations. As you grow older, you have seen more things, and better know what to expect. The first time you drop your ice cream cone on the ground as a child, you learn that a delicious treat can be destroyed so easily! When you drop your ice cream cone on the ground as an adult, it's l…

I'd also say that emotional amplitude might be inversely correlated with wealth. Considering your ice cream example: as a young adult, were I to drop my cone, I'd be distraught, because I've just lost the one little pleasure I so desired, and there's no money in the budget for replacement this week. Today, I'd just shrug and buy a new one. This applies to almost every other situation in life too. If you have a cash r…

Not at all. Wealth will not make you content. It is a distinctly different process of growing up that will.

Re: The art of not taking things personally

#147

Post by dolores_tyrion »

genezeta wrote: post #130
dolores_tyrion wrote: post #110

My problem is taking things personally is what motivates me to do things, because of it I'm always stressed or anxious , the social points author mentioning is reasonable but for me its hard to separate things, which to take personally?, which not to take personally?, because the opposite party is commenting my o/p. The authors mind is what i imagine a peaceful mind look like, ``` yeah i want to be like that someday?…

I don't know if this may help you or not, but... Let's pick that example of the manager and arriving on time. You have built two scenarios. In the first one you are "less important", in the second they are "lazy". I can see a couple of problems here. The most immediate one is that there exist other possible scenarios. These may go from one extreme to another. I mean, I could imagine your manager being "evil", doing i…

yeah, trying to blame me or others is spot on,its a thing i frequently do, have to work on that, thank you

Re: The art of not taking things personally

#148

Post by sethammons »

TameAntelope wrote: post #99
sethammons wrote: post #98

Earlier quoted context omitted.

In non-violent communication, the needs (broadly) are: connection, physical well being, honesty, play, peace, autonomy, and meaning. Hard to argue against someone needing those. https://www.cnvc.org/training/resource/needs-inventory

Autonomy for an employee who makes bad decisions when left alone is hard to provide, for example.

That's part of being a senior, leader, and/or manager. Their need doesn't go away. You work with the employee around how much of any of the following are appropriate: choice freedom, independence, space, and/or spontaneity. You help them grow. If the need can't be met because of mental issues, that is different.

Re: The art of not taking things personally

#149

Post by MandieD »

maybevain wrote: post #111
zwkrt wrote: post #3

As I get older, the less I identify as my current state and the more I identify with the person who transitions through states. My change in perspective has reduced my anxieties and anger significantly. "This too shall pass" and all that. The more of my self image is focused on superficial things, the more I will take things personally. What we are angry about tends to be a reflection of ourselves more than the curre…

Aside, but for those like me who can't help but wonder: EBT (I believe) stands for electronic benefit transfer, apparently an electronic payment method issued by welfare departments in the USA.

Yes - it is the successor of food stamps. Every time I’m back home and see someone ahead of me paying with it, I say a prayer of thanks that I’ve never had to make do with it and another prayer that I never will.

Re: The art of not taking things personally

#150

Post by jasonladuke0311 »

annamargot wrote: post #71
zwkrt wrote: post #3

As I get older, the less I identify as my current state and the more I identify with the person who transitions through states. My change in perspective has reduced my anxieties and anger significantly. "This too shall pass" and all that. The more of my self image is focused on superficial things, the more I will take things personally. What we are angry about tends to be a reflection of ourselves more than the curre…

Self-awareness is how I look at it. And it is finally taking hold with age :) I can better manage my emotions by simply being able to recognize them almost from an outsider’s perspective. My inner monologue switches to 3rd person “Yeah you’re feeling super irritable right now, you better go chill out somewhere before you say something you don’t mean and then create a whole big thing for no reason” Younger me would ha…

This is similar to how I approach cognitive biases; I cannot prevent them, as they are innate to human nature. But I posit that if I try to make myself aware of the influence of bias, it might be more managable/less impactful when it affects me.
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