"How to be passive aggressive"
Its nearly the exact opposite in fact
How to be actively agressive
Interested in improving your relationships? Try Nonviolent Communication
141–150 of 355 posts
Re: Interested in improving your relationships? Try Nonviolent Communication
#142I think non-violent communication is great when you actually have to ask someone to change something about the way they operate in the world. If you want to improve your relationships though, make rule zero "minimize the extent to which you require other people in the world to change."
>If you want to improve your relationships though, make rule zero "minimize the extent to which you require other people in the world to change."
I actually think this is profoundly awful advice, that gets progressively worse the more intimate the relationship, as a fundamental function of human relationships is accountability.
Re: Interested in improving your relationships? Try Nonviolent Communication
#143Earlier quoted context omitted.
When somebody communicates with me using NVC, it feels like they are treating me like a cog in the machine that needs adjusting. They're approaching the conversation with a goal-oriented mindset, where engineering circumstances that result in my compliance is a puzzle they've been tasked with solving. The appearance of caring about my feelings, the apparent empathy, is only a facade. The other party doesn't care abou…
You didn't answer my question. How would you have phrased (empathetically) the ask that someone stop eating your food? Let's pretend you're asking me. If I wanted to, I could take anything you say the wrong way. NVC is generally good for avoiding most of the easy pitfalls. They're approaching the conversation with a goal-oriented mindset, where engineering circumstances that result in my compliance is a puzzle they'v…
You're missing the point. There is no formula for natural human interaction, it's something that comes from inside of you. That's the entire point. The way it should be worded is a function of the two personalities and specific circumstance. You can't sell tickets to corporate seminars for this.
Re: Interested in improving your relationships? Try Nonviolent Communication
#144Reading the link and examples, it's basically an interpersonal application of cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) concepts.
Re: Interested in improving your relationships? Try Nonviolent Communication
#145If you're in software development, especially on a development team, these ideas about nonviolent communication (NVC) may be able to help you and your team. The approach is: observe facts -> note feelings -> uncover desires -> make requests. For software development, I recommend a NVC approach called "Crucial Conversations". I summarize it on my repo. https://github.com/joelparkerhenderson/crucial_conversations
Been on my reading list for a while. Thanks for creating this great synopsis!
Re: Interested in improving your relationships? Try Nonviolent Communication
#146Nonviolent communication comes up on HN every few months and it's always the same praises and criticisms. I've been on the receiving end of NVC quite a few times in my career, and every single time it comes off as patronizing bullshit. I'd rather people yell at me than couch everything in, "I feel X" or "Would you be willing to Y". When important things must be done well, do you think this sort of language is used? O…
I actually find the “step-by-step instructions” the least useful part of the nonviolent communication books. I think the most important part of communication, especially in conflicts, is being genuine and authentic, which is very difficult if you’re following some sort of recipe.
I do find NVC extremely helpful as a tool to understand communication and conflicts though. There are many great insights on how conflicts appear and how having an empathic understanding of each other can help resolve them.
I’m not sure whether following the steps outlined by the method helps with that though, especially if a person sees the method as a “turnkey solution” to get other people to “behave” rather than trying to do the introspection of why you are bothered by something and to separate what the other person did from how you feel about it.
Re: Interested in improving your relationships? Try Nonviolent Communication
#147> There is no hard data we know of that proves whether NVC actually improves relationships and resolves conflict
Just like in “Crucial Conversations” this just tries to make empathy formulaic. Formulaic communication techniques come across as dishonest.
A better advice is to be hyper aware of what the other party is trying to convey, whether they are using “violent” or nonviolent way of conveying it, and respond according to whatever each unique situation calls for.
Re: Interested in improving your relationships? Try Nonviolent Communication
#148Nonviolent communication comes up on HN every few months and it's always the same praises and criticisms. I've been on the receiving end of NVC quite a few times in my career, and every single time it comes off as patronizing bullshit. I'd rather people yell at me than couch everything in, "I feel X" or "Would you be willing to Y". When important things must be done well, do you think this sort of language is used? O…
It's possible that if you're talking to someone who's really good at NVC, it might not register as NVC at all. There might be a selection effect here. (Though I guess I could also be pulling a "no true Scotsman".)
I agree, I’m seeing selection bias in some replies. NVC, like any framework, can be applied poorly. When it is applied effectively, it just comes across as clear and direct communication.
It is not intended for casual conversation, but to provide a framework for difficult conversations to increase the chances of a positive and productive result.
Re: Interested in improving your relationships? Try Nonviolent Communication
#149I don't think violent communication is a good idea.
That's not communicating. That's being an asshole.
Re: Interested in improving your relationships? Try Nonviolent Communication
#150> There is no hard data we know of that proves whether NVC actually improves relationships and resolves conflict Just like in “Crucial Conversations” this just tries to make empathy formulaic. Formulaic communication techniques come across as dishonest. A better advice is to be hyper aware of what the other party is trying to convey, whether they are using “violent” or nonviolent way of conveying it, and respond acco…
I read through NVC, and it is more than that. It would be really hard to prove that any system improved relationships because of confounding variables. You’d need a 24hour judge to make sure that you weren’t violating the “rules” or whatever.
That being said, NVC isn’t a panacea. I think the most useful thing it does though is helps you to change language patterns. There are a lot of incorrect language aphorisms, especially in America English because at best they cause confusion and at worse they cause conflict.
Small example, try to see how many times you catch yourself or someone else saying, “I feel that...” followed by a bunch of words that are actually their opinions or thoughts.
I actually think NVC is more of a great diagnostic tool then it is a set of practices. Communicating non-violently isn’t just about being “good” it is often, just as much, learning how to express reality more accurately.
NVC is great at pointing out errors of thought and communication it really doesn’t try to say how to go about stopping yourself from doing it.