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Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

nytimes.com

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Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#141

Post by Kluny »

cortesoft wrote: post #114
Kluny wrote: post #16

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Are you male? I don't want to assume. But as a woman this is something that really concerns me about the guys I and my friends date. I see my father doing the same thing. Once they get into a stable relationship they seem to think that there's no need for a social life beyond their girlfriend, coworkers, and maybe one or two very close old friends... but those old friends tend to drift away. The reason it bothers me…

This is obviously a concern, but I think personality has a lot to do with it. I haven't made new 'friends' because I just don't want more of a social life. I am a pretty strong introvert; I am loud and friendly and boisterous, but spending time with people tires me out. During the week, I get up at 6am, spend time with my daughter while I get her ready for daycare. Then, I go to work, where I am talking and laughing…

That sounds like a really nice life honestly, and it sounds like if you need any emotional support you get it from your family or your few close friends. Some people need more than that, whether they realize it or not, though.

I can't say what you need, I don't know you. Maybe you could ask your wife if she thinks you need more friends? If she says something like "eh? Why?" then you're probably fine. But if you get a long pause and then, "Well, it wouldn't hurt..." then maybe you should ask her more questions.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#142

Post by emodendroket »

VLM wrote: post #127
emodendroket wrote: post #98

Earlier quoted context omitted.

When I was younger I thought sports were stupid, but as I've grown older I've come to enjoy watching football a lot and to especially enjoy watching it with other people. Yeah, it's not going to go on my tombstone when I die, but how many things are? It's a common thing to watch, speculate about, emote over, etc., and the game itself has grown more interesting to me as I've come to understand it more. I also think th…

That circularizes the problem in that we use the same word to describe someone who happened to separately watch the same TV program as to describe something like a non-romantic life long soulmate. I think the article is talking about the latter, although the former is an open question, may or may not be an issue.

You can't build a deep friendship without first having a shallow acquaintance. Getting together every weekend to watch football is a good start to making a closer friendship that transcends the activity. Really any activity you repeatedly engage in together would be. Most close friends I have are people who I initially started hanging out with because we both enjoyed watching football, or playing pool, or playing a video game, etc.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#143

Post by mathperson »

poulsbohemian wrote: post #106
pmoriarty wrote: post #82

Earlier quoted context omitted.

"it's just hard to meet people in the first place" If it's hard, it's usually a psychological difficulty rather than a lack of opportunity. Unless you live somewhere exceptionally remote, you're usually surrounded by people and opportunities for meeting them are quite frequent. You could strike up conversations most anywhere: from streets to bus stops to parks to bars to dance and social clubs to special interest gro…

As I noted later in my comment "unless one makes a concerted effort to seek out their tribe," which agrees with your point. That stated, this being a technical forum, many of us are Myers-Briggs (if you believe in it) INTJ types -- so yes, we do potentially lack the social skills. Moreover, I reflect upon my own adulthood, where for much of it I have risen before dawn to work, skipped lunches, returned home somewhere…

myer briggs is basically meaningless

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#144

Post by Bjartr »

jsemrau wrote: post #108
poulsbohemian wrote: post #46

In the past month three men, (one 45ish, another 55ish, another 74) two of whom I was barely acquainted with, have poured their souls out to me over their relationship and business troubles. I'd argue that it isn't hard to make friends, it's just hard to meet people in the first place. Men in particular get into a habit of focusing on business and family. More than once I've heard older men voice a complaint if their…

I had the same problem. And for the meeting part if solved this problem by creating drop!in, a nearby event happening now app. An example from the other day, I was walking home from work, refreshed the app and realized there is a free Accenture-led API workshop just a few hundred meters nearby. Walked over had free Pizza and beers and had a nice chat with the local MD of the Accenture Digital Lab. This week we will m…

I grabbed your app because I've been looking for something like this for a while (there's tons of useless ones that claim to do this) however it's crashing on my Note 5 every time I start it after I signed in.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#145

Post by lsiebert »

I play in a regular board game night in SF (south of market), where I've met plenty of people. Being involved in various types of gaming for most of my life, and that has lead to multiple friendships in my life, and with online or networks of games/gaming clubs, I've travelled across the country and was able to see people I know in basically every city.

And I'm really not that good at being social. I'm rather introverted, really, but having a shared activity makes getting together a lot easier. If I click with someone friend wise I can always suggest we get lunch sometime.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#146

Post by AnimalMuppet »

pmoriarty wrote: post #82
poulsbohemian wrote: post #46

In the past month three men, (one 45ish, another 55ish, another 74) two of whom I was barely acquainted with, have poured their souls out to me over their relationship and business troubles. I'd argue that it isn't hard to make friends, it's just hard to meet people in the first place. Men in particular get into a habit of focusing on business and family. More than once I've heard older men voice a complaint if their…

"it's just hard to meet people in the first place" If it's hard, it's usually a psychological difficulty rather than a lack of opportunity. Unless you live somewhere exceptionally remote, you're usually surrounded by people and opportunities for meeting them are quite frequent. You could strike up conversations most anywhere: from streets to bus stops to parks to bars to dance and social clubs to special interest gro…

This jumps out at me on airplanes. You used to strike up conversations with the people next to you, unless they were sleeping or obviously working on something. Now they're wearing headphones, and it feels intrusive to talk to them.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#147

Post by narrator »

I have tried to make guy friends and the main problem seems to be that they're boring. We just run out of stuff to talk about unless we have some business related stuff to talk about. I prefer lady friends ( AS IN FRIENDS WHO ARE FEMALE WHO I DO NOT HAVE A SEXUAL OR WORK RELATION WITH AND WHO I AM NOT TRYING TO DATE ) as there's always the flirty subtext to play around with and they are just pleasant to be around and they probably think I'm trying to date them, even though I'm not. I just find them pleasant to be around and to talk about trivial day to day stuff with.

Maybe I'm really strange here, but do guys even have lady friends who are not their relatives, who are not their co-workers, and who they are not trying to date?

Edit: Downvotes? Is there something controversial about being friends with women to just have enjoyable conversation and platonic interaction without some sort of ulterior motive?

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#148

Post by eaandkw2 »

Kluny wrote: post #16
ggg9990 wrote: post #3

One anecdatum: I simply lost most interest in having friends by 25. I lost the rest when I had a kid. Now my friends are my daughter’s friends parents. I don’t really like them, I just end up chit chatting with them while our daughters play.

Are you male? I don't want to assume. But as a woman this is something that really concerns me about the guys I and my friends date. I see my father doing the same thing. Once they get into a stable relationship they seem to think that there's no need for a social life beyond their girlfriend, coworkers, and maybe one or two very close old friends... but those old friends tend to drift away. The reason it bothers me…

I kind of identify with your father. I am in my 40's and about to retire from the military. I do not have any "friends" that are not part of work even though I work with them every day. I don't know if I was ever liberal when I was younger but I have gone more right-wing so to speak. Although I have cut almost all news and TV. I mostly read the headlines and that is about it because just about everything is B.S. and nothing is going to change anyway. I might even be suffering from some kind of ptsd or social anxiety or something, who knows. Just the thought of going out shopping or driving around makes me not want to even leave the house. Oh, and I like guns to. But guns are part of my job.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#149

Post by turingcompeteme »

VLM wrote: post #99

The puzzle is unsolvable if you ask why can't I find friends. Probably nothing wrong with you. The puzzle is instantly solvable if you ask why can't I be a good friend to others. Lets see, at age 19 I was juggling part time school, Army Reserves service, a grunt manual labor job, and an internship fake job, I was kinda busy. At age 22 I was working a semi-challenging full time programming job while still going to sch…

> but I could write for pages why I would be a terrible friend to someone who needed time

And in the time it took you to write those pages you could have instead started the basis of a friendship with someone. Yes, you are terribly busy, but I guarantee you that there are people who are much busier than you who still maintain friendships.

It sounds like you have already given up on making friends, but I hope that's not the case. It really is worth it, but it means making an effort, and maybe a slight shift in priorities.

I think you also overestimate how much time friends require. I average maybe an hour a week and that is more than enough to maintain multiple friendships.

Re: Why is it hard to make friends over 30? (2012)

#150

Post by Markoff »

rafi_kamal wrote: post #115

I'm 24 I'm already finding it hard to make new good friends. To me a good friend is someone whom I can reach out to without thinking twice, it could be for discussing that shower thought, ranting about the work, asking for suggestions when I'm in trouble, talking about the book I just read. I made quite a few friends since college in the sense that I hang out with them from time to time, but not any good friends.

why it has to be one person IRL? I can do most of this on reddit and i am way older
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