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How to Pick Your Life Partner (2014)

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Re: How to Pick Your Life Partner (2014)

#141

Post by notyourday »

smileysteve wrote: post #130
geff82 wrote: post #121

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Can I talk with her for long periods of time? And if we don't talk, is it awkward? Do we have the similar goals? Do we have the same family values? Do we have an understanding for each others hobbies? Do I like the family I marry into (which was a bit complicated by the fact that her family lives in Iran, I first had to go there visit them)? Do we both want to develop or does she want to stand still? Do we share a si…

> Do I like the family I marry into (which was a bit complicated by the fact that her family lives in Iran, I first had to go there visit them)? Curious about this one, esp given the distance. My family lives in multiple states, and I estimate at best 5-6 days with a 50% chance of seeing some of them in a year. And if I was married and had kids, I'd drop that guess to about 25%. There has been a related post realizin…

>Curious about this one, esp given the distance. My family lives in multiple states, and I estimate at best 5-6 days with a 50% chance of seeing some of them in a year. And if I was married and had kids, I'd drop that guess to about 25%.

Interestingly, every single one of not unsuccessful marriages/long term relationships that I know of has "extended family" compatibility in common.

Re: How to Pick Your Life Partner (2014)

#142

Post by debaserab2 »

fizixer wrote: post #114
debaserab2 wrote: post #82

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> I hope most of you would agree that at least 70%-90% of being in love has something to do with the appearance of your person-of-interest (most of it visual). No matter how you cut it, no matter how much of an intellectual you are and how much you prefer to connect deeply with a person, in the end, given two individuals, you fall in love with the one that is more visually attractive No, I don't agree with that even…

Thought experiment: Imagine you are not dependent on your current partner in any way. You are financially stable (let's say you a multi-millionaire). Either you don't have kids or if you do, somehow they're not dependent on you (or something). Now think of your favorite media personalities that you have a crush on, and imagine one of them meets you in person and takes an elevated level of interest in you. If you don'…

The premise of your experiment of your flawed: having a physical attraction towards someone does not mean you fall in love with them or suddenly want to replace the person you are in love with.

Re: How to Pick Your Life Partner (2014)

#143

Post by karimf »

geff82 wrote: post #29

You should also read part 2 of the article. After some relationships from 18-28 that all ended unhappy, I decided to screen my next partner in a very rational way. Of course I wanted romance and some attractiveness out of my next girlfriend, but I primarily wanted a friend that I could talk to when we were 95 and sitting in wheelchairs next to each other, unable to do much else. Destiny called and the girl I then met…

His other articles are also amazing. Elon Musk asked him personally to write about SpaceX, Tesla, and Neuralink.

Re: How to Pick Your Life Partner (2014)

#144

Post by fizixer »

sydd wrote: post #123
fizixer wrote: post #46

Marriage, monogamy, and (romantic) love are conservative notions that are close to being (or should be) marginalized in my opinion. Romantic love, especially, is an extremely superficial and hollow idea exalted to high heavens by the group-think of the masses. I gave up religion, and over the years realized that love is the second, way more sneaky and no less damaging, delusion that humanity indulges in. It has to go…

Not true. What you describe is the mindset of a 17 year old who never was in a relationship that lasted more than 2 weeks. Yeah, when I was that age I was only going for the looks too. Now, 15 years and 3 long term relationships later I am looking for something else: someone who I can trust, someone who is mature enough to consider marriage+children in a few years, someone who I can laugh with, someone who is mentall…

I'd say you appear to be already over the idea of love and are more concerned with practical aspects of your current and future life.

That leaves us with the institution of marriage.

You invoke the practical concerns of trust, raising children, being able to laugh with someone, most of which are not tied to marriage and/or monogamy. Let me ask you,

- If your government and/or your lawyer and your friends provide you enough "trust net" that you don't need to rely on trust of a marriage partner.

- If you can have children through surrogate pregnancy, or if you are a woman, you wish to raise your child as a single mother (not to mention, the incoming future of genetically modified babies, so much so that after you've optimized your baby's features, there's hardly anything left in the DNA that relates to the parent).

- If you can laugh with a good number of friends. Maybe one or two of those friends live next door so there's no chance of loneliness. Not to mention social media, entertainment industry, the list goes on.

Do you really think the concept of marriage and monogamy remains as valid as it has been through history?

The validity of a lot of what I'm saying is tied to, not in any arbitrary time in history, but the current state of technology and human progress we're witnessing right in front of our eyes. I mentioned genetically-modified-babies. Forget about that. I'm a big believer of medical progress and the need for healthful longevity. If, in the next few decades, a person is able to live the life of a healthy 25 year old for 200 or 300 years, would that person be even interested in having children? If artificial intelligence can take care of 90% of your trust, and entertainment needs, would you even feel unsafe? lonely?

I believe we're headed towards drastic sociocultural change and the thinking of current populace, no matter how educated, is lagging behind substantially.

The idea of marriage/monogamy/love is getting more and more optional. Not to say people will reject it outright. You have the right to choose love and marriage and monogamy. But it's becoming more of a choice than a practical necessity.

Re: How to Pick Your Life Partner (2014)

#145

Post by cossatot »

smileysteve wrote: post #130
geff82 wrote: post #121

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Can I talk with her for long periods of time? And if we don't talk, is it awkward? Do we have the similar goals? Do we have the same family values? Do we have an understanding for each others hobbies? Do I like the family I marry into (which was a bit complicated by the fact that her family lives in Iran, I first had to go there visit them)? Do we both want to develop or does she want to stand still? Do we share a si…

> Do I like the family I marry into (which was a bit complicated by the fact that her family lives in Iran, I first had to go there visit them)? Curious about this one, esp given the distance. My family lives in multiple states, and I estimate at best 5-6 days with a 50% chance of seeing some of them in a year. And if I was married and had kids, I'd drop that guess to about 25%. There has been a related post realizin…

It can be extremely hard on someone if their parents don't approve of their spouse or vice versa, regardless of the amount of time everyone is in the same room. They can be emotionally torn apart, especially if either the spouse or a parent is manipulative or unyielding.

Re: How to Pick Your Life Partner (2014)

#146

Post by patch_collector »

jerrylives wrote: post #122
chrischen wrote: post #83

Earlier quoted context omitted.

He's not obligated to prove anything to you. If you don't believe him you can easily look up the stat yourself.

They literally just made up a random number

I'll source -- http://www.pewsocialtrends.org/2015/05/07/childlessness/

15% of women ages 40-44 in the USA have never given birth, from which we can pull 85% of women ages 40-44 have given birth, as of 2014.

Re: How to Pick Your Life Partner (2014)

#147

Post by jarjoura »

geff82 wrote: post #29

You should also read part 2 of the article. After some relationships from 18-28 that all ended unhappy, I decided to screen my next partner in a very rational way. Of course I wanted romance and some attractiveness out of my next girlfriend, but I primarily wanted a friend that I could talk to when we were 95 and sitting in wheelchairs next to each other, unable to do much else. Destiny called and the girl I then met…

I think most people I know in my friend circle also think this way. It's when people change later in life that the old reasons you had for wanting to be together need to change as well. The more well rounded the friendship, the longer it can last, and its why a relationship based mostly on sexual chemistry end the fastest.

I also don't think romantic relationships NEED to be lifelong. I definitely know some people who are hardwired to only last a certain amount of time in a relationship no matter what. shrug

Re: How to Pick Your Life Partner (2014)

#148

Post by blueyes »

Finding the right life partner requires a series of filters. For me, those filters were: 1) quality of conversation; 2) ability to share work; 3) trust and reliability; 4) physical attraction. Not necessarily in that order, but long-term, the conversation and ability to collaborate with someone on the joint project of a household or family are way up there in what to look for. You definitely talk and work with each other a lot more than you moon and snuggle, so you should find someone you like to talk and work with if you want to like your life. It's really hard, though, because when you're attracted to someone physically or just desperate for sex it's a lot easier to fool yourself into thinking that their conversation is really interesting, when in fact you're just high on pheromones.

Re: How to Pick Your Life Partner (2014)

#149

Post by Yen »

iopuy wrote: post #18
roceasta wrote: post #2

I like the way this article flips the commonplace 'What are the criteria for selecting my perfect mate?' to 'What are my motivations for getting married?'. However, it needs to be said that if and when children arrive on the scene, everything changes . So really, in my opinion, the predominant issue is 'Do I want to have children and how do I want them to be raised?'

And when you choose a life partner, you’re choosing a lot of things, including your parenting partner and someone who will deeply influence your children... It actually really bugged me how having children was a forgone conclusion in this article.

Even if it's not a foregone conclusion, it's an important topic to discuss before entering a long-term relationship.

If one partner wants children, and is counting on that happening, and the other partner wants to not have children, and is counting on that happening, that's a huge point of relationship friction.

So, yeah, it's really important to make sure your potential partner is on the same parenting page as you are, even if (especially if) that page is "let's not be parents".

Re: How to Pick Your Life Partner (2014)

#150

Post by sjg007 »

lordnacho wrote: post #47

What I always tell people who are dating, and only half joking, is you need to find someone you can be bored with. When you're young and just done with education, starting work, things are changing quickly. You're getting a lot of new experiences and meeting new people. It can be very exciting. Unfortunately, it's unlikely to continue like that. You can't always be travelling, changing jobs, or even go out on the tow…

True b/c you don't want a significant other who creates drama.
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