Live data from Hacker News

Not Just Mike Pence. Americans Are Wary of Being Alone with the Opposite Sex

mobile.nytimes.com

141–150 of 170 posts

Re: Not Just Mike Pence. Americans Are Wary of Being Alone with the Opposite Sex

#141
post #98
post #43

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Not the OP but when I'm overseas I try to blend in in terms of attire and so on (dress down and don't be flashy). I mean, dress like normal locals dress. Basically don't stick out as a shining target.

Doesn't work when you're 6'5" white guy traveling in most countries outside of North America and Europe.

The 6'5" could be problematic, but as a very white guy I've had very positive experiences by just acting like I belong (acting slightly bored by everything around me while secretly enjoying the new sights, avoiding stops at subway maps and the like, dressing the part, etc.).

Most places I've visited have at least enough white people for me to appear 'local poor expat', but I can see how being the only white or only really tall person throws a wrench into that approach.

Re: Not Just Mike Pence. Americans Are Wary of Being Alone with the Opposite Sex

#142
I think people might underestimate the religious side to this. I'm Dutch, and the vast majority of Dutch Evangelical pastors, elders, or youth leaders avoided meeting church members in a 1-on-1 situation across gender.

There are some obvious reasons for this, like false accusations by the many less-than-stable members, as well as the therapeutic nature of many meetings (rife with possible line-crossing from both sides, psychologically).

Less obvious reasons would include a more fundamental belief in the 'sinful' nature of the flesh. Again, the vast majority of Evangelical leaders I know strongly believe that even the best of people can be tempted into sinful acts, and a pragmatic solution is to avoid the temptation in the first place.

I might be wrong, but I get the impression that society in the USA, on the whole, and even now, leans a bit more toward puritanical and/or Evangeical beliefs, or at the very least they're part of mainstream thought. If true, it could explain how so many Americans are wary of being alone with the opposite sex.

For example, I find that in my Western European surroundings casual hookups seem much more part of the day to day fabric than they seem to be to my American friends. It strikes me as not unreasonable to conclude that if casual sex is more acceptable here than in the USA (publicly, anyways), what constitutes crossing the boundaries of propriety in the USA might not be considered in the same way over here.

Specifically, I've worked in more than one relatively boring, conservative corporations where at the bigger parties various people 'hooked up' with various other people, some of them involving clear power-discrepancies. Nobody batted an eye and the whole thing seemed to be a 'what happens in vegas' type of thing, warranting some juicy gossip at most.

I'm not saying that this is how things should be, to be clear, just that generally my impression is that the USA is generally more uptight (best word I can think of, but I don't mean it disparagingly) about these things.

Re: Not Just Mike Pence. Americans Are Wary of Being Alone with the Opposite Sex

#143
post #44
post #29

It's a cultural issue with Americans. There seems to be a belief there that equality is not really equality but a battle of the genders imo. Women and men alike obsess over the differences and have very traditional dating structures/marriages. Gender equality in Europe makes the states look like a joke

Hit the nail on the head. Americans are in constant battle, whether sex, sexual orientation, race, religion, etc. It's not as 'equal' as it seems, and if it is, it's because persons go out of their way to cater to those groups. It would be nicer just to see them no differently at all, but I digress.

> just to see them no differently at all

I agree but you can't say this sentiment out loud in some US big tech companies. In fact, saying it out loud may lead to social outrage + job loss + career suicide.

A closely related issue to the main one being discussed here.

Re: Not Just Mike Pence. Americans Are Wary of Being Alone with the Opposite Sex

#144
post #107
post #35

Earlier quoted context omitted.

How do you avoid being the type of person a thief targets? Is it a brawny/threatening look, or just not using an iPhone in public?

Both if possible. Don't look wealthy, do look like you can defend yourself, being male helps, being young helps. It's unfortunate, but there are reasons that I don't get messed with ever and yet other people set foot off the plane and are robbed mere hours later (my uncle for example, who visited me in Phnom Penh). I don't mean to blame anyone for being robbed, but being a little clueless and careless is definitely o…

> People forget that the cost of a new iPhone is almost the same as the average yearly wage in Cambodia.

Good point!

From a thieves perspective it is probably not just the value of the visible goods - it's also about the arrogance such behavior exhibits - people who show off kind of deserve to get a reality check.

Re: Not Just Mike Pence. Americans Are Wary of Being Alone with the Opposite Sex

#145
post #78

When I was in college I was a team lead at Best Buy for a while. I was in charge of a mostly female team of cashiers, and I was alone with them in the cash office frequently while they counted their tills. I made one of the cashiers mad by reprimanding her, and she decided to get back at me by claiming that I grabbed her and shook her while we were in the cash office. I never touched her, and luckily we still had vid…

> After my manager reviewed the tape with her, it was clear she was lying, so she dropped her claim.

That should not have been the end of that story. Filing a false claim like that damages you and damages other people who actually have been the subject of such harassment by making it easier to claim for perps they made it all up.

Re: Not Just Mike Pence. Americans Are Wary of Being Alone with the Opposite Sex

#146
post #78

When I was in college I was a team lead at Best Buy for a while. I was in charge of a mostly female team of cashiers, and I was alone with them in the cash office frequently while they counted their tills. I made one of the cashiers mad by reprimanding her, and she decided to get back at me by claiming that I grabbed her and shook her while we were in the cash office. I never touched her, and luckily we still had vid…

Oddly enough, I also experienced some weirdness at Best Buy. Worked on the early version of the geek squad (back in 2001 before they had cars and it was just a bunch of computer nerds at a counter). Female store manager made some pretty overt advances, which I declined. I’d had a scheduled vacation the next week. Came back from vacation to learn I’d been fired for inappropriate behavior with the female manager, by th…

Plenty of double standards to which the thought police never recognize. Had a friend working on Wall St. at a firm with a zero tolerance policy (aka no chance whatsoever to explain the accused's side of the story, as in HR shows you the door with a box of your stuff immediately). One of his junior womyn analysts couldn't handle the workload. Her attention to detail was also severely lacking. Knowing she was at risk of losing her job, two weeks before reviews, she pulled the sexual harassment card which got my friend, who was a star performer (as in top 1% of the entire IB staff) and fast tracker to senior mgmt, fired. I've known him for 20+ years and he wouldn't ever cross the line between work and pleasure. She lasted another couple of months until more people saw the writing on the wall then she was blown out. But yea, it's a white, male, patriarchal, rape culture and nothing else.

Re: Not Just Mike Pence. Americans Are Wary of Being Alone with the Opposite Sex

#147
post #126

Earlier quoted context omitted.

If you're married or in a relationship in NZ, your spouse is fine with you getting drunk alone with someone of the opposite sex?

You can't drink without getting drunk? (To answer your main question though: I'm OK with it, maybe that's just me though. I know we are a small nation but I don't know everyone .) Edit: Since we're on the subject, I just spent a week living in an AirBNB apartment with a female work colleague (work meetup in a different city). Just us two. Before this thread I didn't even think that was weird. Americans: is that weird…

Man my ex kept doing stuff Like that before she cheated on me!

I wanted to trust her but I don't think I will do that again. I knew it was weird and I should have put my foot down when it started.

Re: Not Just Mike Pence. Americans Are Wary of Being Alone with the Opposite Sex

#148
post #20

I'm surprised so many men in here are comfortable being alone with women. You've given another person the power to put you in prison and destroy your entire life at any time without any evidence. All they have to do is make the accusation. You'll lose your job. You'll probably lose your family. You'll probably lose your freedom. It's not worth the risk.

This is an unhealthy and neurotic level of distrust.

Re: Not Just Mike Pence. Americans Are Wary of Being Alone with the Opposite Sex

#149
post #37

Two surprises about this article: 1 - 25% of women think it's inappropriate to have a work meeting with a man. 2 - 41% of men think it's appropriate to have a drink one-on-one with a women.

Yeah the drink thing is definitely inappropriate.

Why is it inappropriate?

Re: Not Just Mike Pence. Americans Are Wary of Being Alone with the Opposite Sex

#150
post #147
post #126

Earlier quoted context omitted.

You can't drink without getting drunk? (To answer your main question though: I'm OK with it, maybe that's just me though. I know we are a small nation but I don't know everyone .) Edit: Since we're on the subject, I just spent a week living in an AirBNB apartment with a female work colleague (work meetup in a different city). Just us two. Before this thread I didn't even think that was weird. Americans: is that weird…

Man my ex kept doing stuff Like that before she cheated on me! I wanted to trust her but I don't think I will do that again. I knew it was weird and I should have put my foot down when it started.

Don't let one bad experience make you irrationally paranoid.
Post reply on HN