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My Failed Attempt at Engineering Love

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Re: My Failed Attempt at Engineering Love

#141

Post by user5994461 »

pm90 wrote: post #124
Kalium wrote: post #113

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> Or should you be yourself from the beginning, "happy to be a hippo" so to speak[1]. You'll probably get fewer first bites, but ones that get through have shown they don't care about your balding head and bulging stomach. You're absolutely right! People should be filtering for quality over quantity! That said, is it possible you're running on the assumption that the people we're concerned with here can reasonably ex…

I 100% agree with being oneself but there are some unfortunate human pitfalls which prevents human beings from communicating their true value to others quickly and in an attractive manner. e.g. A guy may be kinda sorta balding, but he might turn out to be the best dad in the world. How is he supposed to convey that value to his potential mates? This is why I recommend at least paying lip service to notions of fashion…

There are plenty of great dads who are not bald.

Re: My Failed Attempt at Engineering Love

#142

Post by SebastianStadil »

jeffwass wrote: post #52

>"I became an online dating magician who knew how to optimize a profile — A/B testing pictures and message. If I changed my profile picture and got more “likes” as a result, that meant it was better. I was tracking data, which made it easy to see what performed best. >This one worked, probably because it hides the bulging stomach and the balding head." No, your A/B test doesn't mean it's 'better', unless you're count…

Thanks for the advice, Jeff.

I didn't have too much trouble getting to the second or third dates, and you are correct in that the goal of the least bad profile pic was to get myself in a position to have my humor work for me ("personality shine through").

Perhaps the most controversial part of the process was treating dating like a hiring process, kind of like picking a co-founder.

Re: My Failed Attempt at Engineering Love

#143

Post by vertex-four »

gorkonsine wrote: post #138
pm90 wrote: post #100

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> Online dating is good for people who simply have NO other avenue to meet people Like everything, in moderation it works great. I'm a male software engineer and can relate to your feelings of not being able to meet single women naturally. But relying exclusively on online dating is kinda... uncreative. You mentioned bars. But also: coffee shops. Art shows. Music festivals. When used in conjunction, Online dating is…

>But also: coffee shops. I've spent plenty of time in coffee shops. I've had a number of first dates there too. I have never seen anyone introduce themselves to someone in a coffee shop, unless it was obvious that they were planning to meet there. Instead, most people I see there are busy: they're either with a friend(s), or they're busy working on their computer. They're not there to get picked up. If I were a woman…

Honestly, I've had people pick up conversation with me in a coffee shop on occasion - either they overhear me talking to whoever I'm there with about something they're super interested in, or they're honestly just bored and I happen to be nearby.

Re: My Failed Attempt at Engineering Love

#144

Post by jeffwass »

SebastianStadil wrote: post #142
jeffwass wrote: post #52

>"I became an online dating magician who knew how to optimize a profile — A/B testing pictures and message. If I changed my profile picture and got more “likes” as a result, that meant it was better. I was tracking data, which made it easy to see what performed best. >This one worked, probably because it hides the bulging stomach and the balding head." No, your A/B test doesn't mean it's 'better', unless you're count…

Thanks for the advice, Jeff. I didn't have too much trouble getting to the second or third dates, and you are correct in that the goal of the least bad profile pic was to get myself in a position to have my humor work for me ("personality shine through"). Perhaps the most controversial part of the process was treating dating like a hiring process, kind of like picking a co-founder.

Thanks Sebastian for the interesting writeup.

Glad you had many second or third dates. My impression from the article was that most were first-only dates.

I mentioned this in a comment below - given your scientific approach and A/B testing to data, I'd be quite curious to know how it would work out if you tried my suggestion.

Ie - a 'normal' photo of yourself, not intentionally or overly bad, but not a cherry-picked one that tries to hide the features you were worried about.

Someone who responded to me below thinks you wouldn't get any swipes. I have exactly zero Tinder experience, but in my naive opinion I think and hope you'd get at least a few.

And you could rest reasonably assured that those dates that do come through won't care much about those features.

And maybe the knowledge that they swiped anyway would put you more at ease on the date, to let your humour and personality shine through even brighter.

Re: My Failed Attempt at Engineering Love

#145

Post by vertex-four »

Grue3 wrote: post #126

This is a depressing read. Here we have a "startup founder" (=relatively wealthy), who isn't that bad-looking, using a complicated script to massively increase his opportunities and he still can't get a date. Is there even hope for the rest of us?

Yes, there is hope. Don't work your life away, and actually get out and do things. Places I've met people: roleplaying groups, kink communities, hobby-related conferences and workshops, local events, completely random social IRC channels. It can take just one off-hand comment on a shared interest to lead to a conversation and a spark.

Also note that the sort of person who finds enjoyment in automating away social interaction is unlikely to be enjoyable to socially interact with.

Re: My Failed Attempt at Engineering Love

#147

Post by lcall »

lcall wrote: post #99

My stepdaughter went on 100 dates while in her teens (like, while aged 16-18), to get to know a variety of people (clean, usually double dates). She married ~#72 and they're doing very well, like, idyllic, after some years (she has blogs about raising their children). Anyway, while still a teen, she had an ebook published about why those 100 dates were a good idea, with 365 ideas for free or inexpensive dates: https:…

A correction/ps, too late to edit: there is also apparently a kindle edition of the $3 "365 date ideas", so no niche app needed (though that's a nice app too, i have it):

https://www.amazon.com/Date-Day-Ideas-Teens-Teen-ebook/dp/B0...

Re: My Failed Attempt at Engineering Love

#148

Post by user5994461 »

pm90 wrote: post #122
jeffwass wrote: post #115

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I know what your saying, but unless I misinterpreted, the author was lamenting how most of his 150 first dates were a waste of his time. so that's where he has to decide. 150 dates with potentially little bite, or maybe 10 (or less?) dates where his worries are almost guaranteed not to be an issue. Of course zero first dates is not good either. Given his interest in experimenting like this, I'd be curious to see if h…

Ah good point. My expectation is that (unfortunately) he would probably get 0 dates. The online dating world is MUCH too competitive, to the point of absurdity.

It's tinder, it's easy.

As you can see in his article, just ask her on a date and get her number. It takes about 3 messages.

Re: My Failed Attempt at Engineering Love

#149

Post by morgtheborg »

tthisk wrote: post #89
vertex-four wrote: post #30

Ehh... the issue is mostly that online dating doesn't go very well for the vast, vast majority of people. On the other hand, I know plenty of not-particularly-attractive people who've met partners through all sorts of weird and whacky situations. Fact of the matter is that finding potential partners, like finding anyone, is about constantly growing the network of people you interact with. I meet new people nearly eve…

In my opinion going on a date is also too big of an investment to find out whether or not you 'match' with somebody. When you are at a party you can potentially speak to 10 (20 maybe even 30) women/men in one night, and probably find out that you do not match with 90% of them. If you are using apps like Tinder it will take you 10 nights to date 10 women/men, which is a significantly bigger time investment. Recently I…

Huh, I suppose it depends on what you're looking for. Getting in depth about politics, religion, attitudes towards rearing children, commitment to finding a partner, etc. doesn't tend to be appropriate at parties (since most people are there for a good time, not to find a partner), but they are perfectly appropriate online dating chats.

I don't find it hard to find attractive, fun people who want to date me. I find it hard to find a partner; online dating it takes me usually 2-4 months. IRL it can be years.

Re: My Failed Attempt at Engineering Love

#150

Post by morgtheborg »

ice109 wrote: post #61
vertex-four wrote: post #30

Ehh... the issue is mostly that online dating doesn't go very well for the vast, vast majority of people. On the other hand, I know plenty of not-particularly-attractive people who've met partners through all sorts of weird and whacky situations. Fact of the matter is that finding potential partners, like finding anyone, is about constantly growing the network of people you interact with. I meet new people nearly eve…

>Also, speaking personally... the sort of person who thinks it's fun to spend their time automating personal interaction is not the sort of person I want to date. forgive me for waxing poetical but i've thought about this a lot - since i have tinder and okcupid accounts - online dating is one of the most nihilistic enterprises to come out of the digital revolution. take one of the most personally rewarding and edifyi…

> take one of the most personally rewarding and edifying experiences and completely formalize one of the most exciting parts of it (if not the most). what becomes the point of your life???

Yea, so the early part of dating may be the most "exciting", but that's not why I date. I find that love goggle time period to be a huge waste of time when 6 months to 1 year later you realize you're completely incompatible on core issues. God help the people who got married during that time period.

Online dating let's you pre-screen for basic compatibility before meeting (and confirming physical interest). It keeps you from making silly mistakes with people who can't make you happy long term.

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