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Life of solitude: A loneliness crisis is looming

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Re: Life of solitude: A loneliness crisis is looming

#131

Post by venus »

nilkn wrote: post #72
auctiontheory wrote: post #68

In poor countries, like India, you have no privacy at all. The overreaction, in rich countries like the US, is to buy privacy the richer you get. But Americans take it to extremes, buying huge houses that allow them to go days without interacting with another person. In fact, not having to deal with other people is considered a desirable luxury. Sit at home and eat and watch TV and shop. I know people who drive (down…

As a recent college graduate in the US, this is exactly how I feel. In college, there was very little privacy. I shared a room with a roommate, and that room was one of two in a shared suite, with two other people in the other room and a common bathroom shared by all four people. I now share a 2br apartment with a roommate. I have a private bedroom, but a shared living room and kitchen. My apartment happens to be in…

If you're interested in this phenomenon, you might like Paul Fussell's Class: A Guide Through the American Status System

http://www.phenomenologycenter.org/course/status.htm

Re: Life of solitude: A loneliness crisis is looming

#132

Post by roma1n »

In my late twenties, a combination of things helped me somewhat (I am still lonely, but not nearly as much)

* Psychotherapy (it takes time to find a therapist that clicks, though)

* Antidepressants

* Not trying to hide it from my colleagues / family (the period when I did that was a miserable one)

* A few well-intentioned friends from work

* Family support

* This guide : http://www.succeedsocially.com/

* Meetup et al.

Re: Life of solitude: A loneliness crisis is looming

#133

Post by thirdsun »

sown wrote: post #33

this applies to me. I'm very alone pretty much most of the time. Not really had friends and not great at making them. For the last 11 months I've tried going out and being the most positive person I can, to be a friend to as many people as I can but I don't know if it's working or not. Just talking to people, listening to them, smiling at everyone. It feels like I'm just a grinning idiot, that no one takes me serious…

Have you ever thought about joining local sports clubs? Preferably team sports as it's a great environment to meet people regularly and share a common interest, practice, participate in competitive activities against other teams. Well, I probably don't have to explain sports to you.

And even if you aren't a sports guy, depending on where you live you might be able to find a group of people interested in the most obscure activities. The point I'm making is just that it is a lot easier to make friends if you start by sharing interests and just regarding friendships as a natural byproduct instead of the primary goal.

Re: Life of solitude: A loneliness crisis is looming

#134

Post by voltagex_ »

thirdsun wrote: post #133
sown wrote: post #33

this applies to me. I'm very alone pretty much most of the time. Not really had friends and not great at making them. For the last 11 months I've tried going out and being the most positive person I can, to be a friend to as many people as I can but I don't know if it's working or not. Just talking to people, listening to them, smiling at everyone. It feels like I'm just a grinning idiot, that no one takes me serious…

Have you ever thought about joining local sports clubs? Preferably team sports as it's a great environment to meet people regularly and share a common interest, practice, participate in competitive activities against other teams. Well, I probably don't have to explain sports to you. And even if you aren't a sports guy, depending on where you live you might be able to find a group of people interested in the most obsc…

Because this is the HN crowd, I would also suggest local Hackerspaces, trivia nights, poetry slams and even a Society for Creative Anachronism.

On the more extroverted side, there's always Toastmasters and debate clubs.

Re: Life of solitude: A loneliness crisis is looming

#135

Post by tonyedgecombe »

petercooper wrote: post #118
keithpeter wrote: post #111

Earlier quoted context omitted.

As a child (1960s) in a working class neighbourhood in the Liverpool area (UK), we lived in small terraced houses and lived very close to the neighbours. The children played in the road (hardly any cars) and in a park and on the beach (not the cleanest). During our long summer days (52.5 degrees North) we had the whole day down the beach. Basic safety: we stuck together and avoided strangers, but we spoke to known ad…

The children played in the road (hardly any cars) and in a park Now I see children in nurseries behind substantial railings The family may or may not know the neighbours at all There's a separate issue which reveals itself in what you say but which wasn't specifically addressed. A big reason for less community cohesion nowadays is that no longer are large numbers of parents staying at home and interacting in the comm…

We have gone from women not having the freedom to work to women not having the freedom to not work.

Re: Life of solitude: A loneliness crisis is looming

#136

Post by clarebear »

sejje wrote: post #44
ams6110 wrote: post #40

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Try doing volunteer work on the weekends for some cause you care about. One it will get you out of the house and two you will meet people who may be like-minded but are different enough from your co-workers as to be more interesting. I'd recommend also trying church. Not trying to push religion, but it's a way to get involved with a group of people who often organize social or community activities.

Serious question: do you (or anyone else) think it's immoral to go to church as an atheist just to meet people? I get along really well with church people, but I simultaneously hate talking about religion.

Try Unitarian Universalism. They accept atheists, Wicca, Christians, etc. and do not try to convert theist beliefs. They are much more about living softly and helping others.

Re: Life of solitude: A loneliness crisis is looming

#137

Post by bliti »

jamesknelson wrote: post #48
bliti wrote: post #41

Earlier quoted context omitted.

You can always shoot me an email (profile). I'm always up for talking about nerdy stuff. Currently writing code for a robot as a I type this message.

This may sound kinda stupid, but when people ask you to send them an e-mail in a social setting, what are you expected to actually send? I've had a few times when there are people I've met who use the "send me an e-mail" line, but I never find something worth actually sending an e-mail about, and thus never get around to it.

Hi,

Just dropping by to say hello. How are things going?

Regards,

$yourName

Re: Life of solitude: A loneliness crisis is looming

#138

Post by roel_v »

madcap wrote: post #23

The article mentions Portland as an example of city planning which encourages interaction and social cohesion. Are there any other examples that spring to mind for U.S. cities? I'm looking to relocate and this is high on the list for me.

As much as we like to think cities are 'planned' for this type of things, they're not, and humans can find patterns in anything. Cities form the way they do through many drivers, and 'planning for social cohesion' is a minute one - if it even exists.

Re: Life of solitude: A loneliness crisis is looming

#139

Post by roel_v »

eropple wrote: post #51
dnautics wrote: post #20

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Yes, it's a bit of an extrapolation. For my social time, I go social dancing. I still get a little bit lonely from time to time but I don't think it's all that bad. But in any case, what I see happening is that when people get rather good (or even if they don't; if they THINK they are rather good) they stop dancing with people who are not as good as them. Since it's an activity where being social is also coupled to h…

> And most of the PhDs are just... not friendly towards him. Why not? Insecurity. "They're not as good as me, I will be seen as lesser for associating with them." Personally, I automatically distrust people who won't bullshit with a taxi driver or exchange quick comments about the local sports teams with a delivery guy (and no, you don't have to like sports to do that).

Well to be fair, I used to make small talk with taxi drivers, but when I noticed a sizable portion of those talks devolve into idiotic racist rambling I just stopped. Sorry to those who aren't stupid. (I'm a white male so maybe they just thought I'd be receptive to their 'the foreigners are taking our jobs' (I use the word 'foreigners' here where in reality they mostly used other words unsuitable for polite company) complaints because I tried to start some friendly chatter about their job or the weather or what was in the newspaper that morning?)

Look, I'm not advocating social stratification, but I understand the drivers that cause it, and 'insecurity' or 'they think they're better' are just a small portion of them.

Re: Life of solitude: A loneliness crisis is looming

#140

Post by githulhu »

was_hellbanned wrote: post #76
githulhu wrote: post #46

Earlier quoted context omitted.

At the risk of sounding negative, I've found that this is probably a waste of time, because most therapists are utter garbage... And, it's really no surprise, really, if you look at the average salary for therapists. I imagine that most of the ones who could actually help you are running high-priced practices treating Arab princes and basketball players...naturally they are not going to be found in the provider direc…

Ah, the old negativity-masquerading-as-insight trick. HN really needs to do something about its implicit approval of such foolery tarted up as meaningful commentary.

You're right, thanks for calling me out. I thought about deleting the comment. I was just complaining...usually, I can restrain myself, this time, I slipped.
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