I'm addicted to being useful • Hacker News Board

Re: I'm addicted to being useful

#131

Post by nuancebydefault » Tue, Jan 20, 2026, 4:07 PM UTC

tclancy wrote: post #7

> I don’t mind the ways in which my job is dysfunctional, because it matches the ways in which I myself am dysfunctional As a fellow traveller, I offer one caution: learn to turn this down in personal relationships as it can be counterproductive. It took decades for my wife to finally get through and explain not every problem she voices is something that needs a solution. Some times people just want to be heard. It b…

In fact being or feeling useful can be addictive. It goes beyond fixing technical problems. If I know someone is sad or in trouble for a longer period of time, I tend to check in regularly. I need to hold myself back, not to do it too often. The reason is probably the dopamine (or some happy neurotransmitter) effect that respectful or thankful people invoke on me. So it is the helpdopamine transaction.

Re: I'm addicted to being useful

#132

Post by nuancebydefault » Tue, Jan 20, 2026, 4:11 PM UTC

thisislife2 wrote: post #46

n4r9 wrote: post #24

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I frame it not as turning a dial down, but as switching channel from practical problem-solver to emotional problem-solver. Often when someone wants to talk about a situation involving difficult feelings, they're actually trying to process those feelings: to understand where the feelings are coming from, to be validated, and to be able to take a broader perspective. You can help by being curious about what they're say…

> switching channel from practical problem-solver to emotional problem-solver Thank you for this useful tip! I've recently become aware that I may not be as good a listener I thought I was - I too make the common mistake of immediately offering solutions, or talking too much about my own relatable situations and feelings, instead of trying to really listen to them and help them figure out their own world view and fee…

Indeed, the more one knows about what it means to be a good listener, the more one becomes aware of not being such a good listener.

Re: I'm addicted to being useful

#133

Post by nuancebydefault » Tue, Jan 20, 2026, 4:15 PM UTC

n4r9 wrote: post #71

Aurornis wrote: post #63

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> they're actually trying to process those feelings: to understand where the feelings are coming from, to be validated, and to be able to take a broader perspective. If you’re speaking to a rational person with good intentions and good self-management this can help a lot. If the other person doesn’t have good emotional regulation and is prone to catastrophizing, exaggeration, or excessive self-victimization then vali…

It can be a challenging skill to apply, and you need to use your judgement to discern whether the other person is in a place to engage with what you say. One comment I'd make is the difference between "valid" and "rational". Emotions and feelings are always "valid", in the sense that they are a natural consequence of events and prior conditioning. But feelings are rarely "rational" - they often don't reflect the comp…

Indeed, the more strong the feeling, the less rational it can become, even though the feeling is there for good reasons. A pure rational solution won't help, pure empathy as well not.

Re: I'm addicted to being useful

#134

Post by johnisgood » Tue, Jan 20, 2026, 4:18 PM UTC

TeMPOraL wrote: post #30

johnisgood wrote: post #9

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Yeah, I am still learning to not be logical and fix whatever ails her. Often she really just wants to be heard, not solutions. I am ~30 years old, hopefully I will be able to just hear, without offering any solutions. It bothers me too. I am a SWE because I love solving problems!

> It bothers me too. I am a SWE because I love solving problems! In my case, I've recently been wondering whether I really love solving problems, or rather just hate stupid bullshit and solving it - quickly and efficiently - is usually the best way to make it go away for good. In many cases, the behavior is identical - I just find myself to be motivated by frustration more often than curiosity these days.

Yeah, I can relate. I would say I am motivated by frustration more than curiosity as well, not just with regarding to my partner but in general.

Re: I'm addicted to being useful

#135

Post by jpadkins » Tue, Jan 20, 2026, 4:20 PM UTC

tclancy wrote: post #7

> I don’t mind the ways in which my job is dysfunctional, because it matches the ways in which I myself am dysfunctional As a fellow traveller, I offer one caution: learn to turn this down in personal relationships as it can be counterproductive. It took decades for my wife to finally get through and explain not every problem she voices is something that needs a solution. Some times people just want to be heard. It b…

> It took decades for my wife to finally get through and explain not every problem she voices is something that needs a solution.

There is a great YT video on this topic https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4EDhdAHrOg

It's not about the nail!

Re: I'm addicted to being useful

#136

Post by jwHollister » Tue, Jan 20, 2026, 4:29 PM UTC

I have something similar to this need to be useful but perhaps a different twist that is causing me problems. It's not so much a sense that I want to be useful but a feeling that I HAVE to be or bad things will happen. Lately it's a constantly running internal narrative that everyone around me is useless. Which breeds an anxiety that if I don't do everything then something important will slip through the cracks. That yields a sense of dispair and eventually anger because of this constant weight that I expect I'll have to carry indefinitely.

I've been in therapy off and on through the years and I think this stems from a childhood with neglectful parents. I need to start seeing someone again. Thanks for the reminder!

Re: I'm addicted to being useful

#137

Post by gretch » Tue, Jan 20, 2026, 4:31 PM UTC

jpadkins wrote: post #135

tclancy wrote: post #7

> I don’t mind the ways in which my job is dysfunctional, because it matches the ways in which I myself am dysfunctional As a fellow traveller, I offer one caution: learn to turn this down in personal relationships as it can be counterproductive. It took decades for my wife to finally get through and explain not every problem she voices is something that needs a solution. Some times people just want to be heard. It b…

> It took decades for my wife to finally get through and explain not every problem she voices is something that needs a solution. There is a great YT video on this topic https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4EDhdAHrOg It's not about the nail!

Yeah so far there's not enough nuance in the discussion.

I also like to separate between 1) solvable vs unsolvable problems: e.g. you cannot solve a deceased relative.

Also 2) first time vs multiple repeat problems

If find it very irritate someone is venting to me repeatedly about solvable problems.

But if it's a 1 time unsolvable problem, then it's important to be in listening mode.

Re: I'm addicted to being useful

#138

Post by duhprey » Tue, Jan 20, 2026, 4:40 PM UTC

So insightful! This idea that some people just like the puzzles and some people like the control struck me. I get why Factorio is addictive but I can't really stand to play it much. I'd rather be refactoring something useful. And the idea that the same mentality covers forum mods. This is incredibly helpful to understand some of my friends and colleagues a little better.

Re: I'm addicted to being useful

#139

Post by mock-possum » Tue, Jan 20, 2026, 4:46 PM UTC

bradley13 wrote: post #17

I feel the same way. I retired last summer, but that only means that I found a place that needs me, where I can work part time without worrying too much about money. I remember, decades ago, reading an article about some African politician visiting the UK. He was given a tour, which included some of the social housing. The UK bragging about how they took care of their people. He saw people sitting around with with th…

… had he never heard of hobbies?

Re: I'm addicted to being useful

#140

Post by calcifer » Tue, Jan 20, 2026, 4:46 PM UTC

gretch wrote: post #137

jpadkins wrote: post #135

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> It took decades for my wife to finally get through and explain not every problem she voices is something that needs a solution. There is a great YT video on this topic https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-4EDhdAHrOg It's not about the nail!

Yeah so far there's not enough nuance in the discussion. I also like to separate between 1) solvable vs unsolvable problems: e.g. you cannot solve a deceased relative. Also 2) first time vs multiple repeat problems If find it very irritate someone is venting to me repeatedly about solvable problems. But if it's a 1 time unsolvable problem, then it's important to be in listening mode.

You are missing the point, though. The complainer decides whether it's a solvable problem or not, not the listener. So "I'll listen if it's unsolvable (to me)" is a non-starter.