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Should more of us be moving to live near friends?

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Re: Should more of us be moving to live near friends?

#131

Post by dqh »

jongjong wrote: post #121
wenc wrote: post #6

I would love to, but I come from a place where intellectual pursuits are not valued, so I would lose out on that front if I moved back. I’m the type who needs to always be learning. So I would always need to be in a big city. Alain Bertaud, the urbanist, recently said, “the big contribution of cities is randomness.” And he continues: “You don't know what to expect. You don't know who you will meet. And, it's precisel…

I had to move back to be closer to my parents in a town which doesn't value intellectual pursuits because I couldn't find a job in the tech sector in the big city after almost a year. This is in spite of having a long list of technical accomplishments and an impeccable public track record under my belt. My dad kept reminding me how I shouldn't have pursued coding and studied to be a lawyer instead... He alluded to my…

> This is in spite of having a long list of technical accomplishments and an impeccable public track record under my belt.

If skills aren’t the problem, one possibility is that a rigid attitude, lack of humility, or something like that is rubbing interviewers the wrong way. Please forgive my unsolicited advice and good luck with the search.

Re: Should more of us be moving to live near friends?

#132

Post by zeroonetwothree »

wenc wrote: post #6

I would love to, but I come from a place where intellectual pursuits are not valued, so I would lose out on that front if I moved back. I’m the type who needs to always be learning. So I would always need to be in a big city. Alain Bertaud, the urbanist, recently said, “the big contribution of cities is randomness.” And he continues: “You don't know what to expect. You don't know who you will meet. And, it's precisel…

I think it’s easier to isolate in an urban setting.

Re: Should more of us be moving to live near friends?

#133

Post by teruakohatu »

kyawzazaw wrote: post #101
teruakohatu wrote: post #58

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> I only see them once or twice a year, if that (less right now because we're all in the "very young kids" stage). I miss them. How often do you think you would see them if you lived in the same city? If you see them twice a year, for a few days straight, I think you are doing really well and I am sure they appreciate the effort you make. Can you cut the difference and go camping once a year or every second year for…

My father see his college and high schools friends in teashops almost everyday. They just sit, sometimes eat. All come and go. No long term planning. Just phone calls.

Did you possibly reply to the wrong comment?

If not: I don’t think it’s a realistic goal, at least in a typical Western country, for a person with a young family and a full time job to manage to meet up with friends, who are not co-workers, almost every day.

Re: Should more of us be moving to live near friends?

#134

Post by droobles »

My friends and I joke about moving back to our home town to be together, possibly on the same block, mostly because of how cheap it would be. Truth is I have a lot of childhood and frankly recent trauma there and would never want to move back. Thankfully over time we’ve all seemed to be coincidentally landing in the same metro area over the years so we see each other a lot and it’s been a great way to bounce back from COVID.

Re: Should more of us be moving to live near friends?

#135

Post by vel0city »

steveBK123 wrote: post #113
lolinder wrote: post #89

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Interestingly, the quote you cite here seems to be specifically directed at G.K. Chesterton, who said exactly the opposite—that larger societies tend towards reducing the amount of variety that you experience, precisely because you can choose to associate primarily with people who you relate to [0]. In a small community, you could choose to be entirely isolated, but if you want company you'll need to associate with t…

Yes, this is often overlooked by VHCOL urbanists. I split my time between a VHCOL city and a MCOL exurb. My VHCOL city neighbors / friends all have laptop jobs like me. They all vote like me. They all went to competitive colleges like me. They had to pass through all the same sorting mechanisms in order to afford the VHCOL lifestyle. My MCOL exurb friends & neighbors include building contractors, teachers, professors…

I agree. You want to be intellectually challenged? Hang out with people who aren't exactly like you from time to time.

Re: Should more of us be moving to live near friends?

#136

Post by vel0city »

mlinhares wrote: post #115
wenc wrote: post #6

I would love to, but I come from a place where intellectual pursuits are not valued, so I would lose out on that front if I moved back. I’m the type who needs to always be learning. So I would always need to be in a big city. Alain Bertaud, the urbanist, recently said, “the big contribution of cities is randomness.” And he continues: “You don't know what to expect. You don't know who you will meet. And, it's precisel…

Reminder that there was no cultural preference, this was done (like in other places) to keep the industrial engine running, mainly carmakers. The more roads there are, the more cars people will buy and the more they will drive, this, mixed up with redlining and other racist policies created the environment we live in today. This was not the only way it could have gone, but it ended up being like this due to the gover…

> Reminder that there was no cultural preference, this was done (like in other places) to keep the industrial engine running, mainly carmakers.

Sounds like you've barely talked to people living in suburbs. A ton of the people I talk to are very pro-SFH, big easements, lot restrictions, etc. Go to a city council meeting talking about rezoning for higher density. Tell me how all those people are on the car manufacturer's payrolls.

These people want this. They keep moving further outwards willingly because they want bigger houses on bigger lots with fewer of the "others".

It's the same people who argue transit brings the homeless and crime to your area, so the way to end homelessness is to end public transit. They don't need to be on the auto industry payroll or influenced by their propaganda; isolation is the goal.

Re: Should more of us be moving to live near friends?

#137

Post by vel0city »

dqh wrote: post #131
jongjong wrote: post #121

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I had to move back to be closer to my parents in a town which doesn't value intellectual pursuits because I couldn't find a job in the tech sector in the big city after almost a year. This is in spite of having a long list of technical accomplishments and an impeccable public track record under my belt. My dad kept reminding me how I shouldn't have pursued coding and studied to be a lawyer instead... He alluded to my…

> This is in spite of having a long list of technical accomplishments and an impeccable public track record under my belt. If skills aren’t the problem, one possibility is that a rigid attitude, lack of humility, or something like that is rubbing interviewers the wrong way. Please forgive my unsolicited advice and good luck with the search.

Or honestly maybe just bad luck. Lots of possibilities for just a one-off internet comment.

But yeah no doubt wise to do some self reflection and analyze what one could do better when trying again. One shouldn't just continue the same strategy without reflection when faluire occurs. But also don't be too hard on yourself, sometimes things just don't work out.

Re: Should more of us be moving to live near friends?

#138

Post by aylmao »

williamtrask wrote: post #47
wenc wrote: post #6

I would love to, but I come from a place where intellectual pursuits are not valued, so I would lose out on that front if I moved back. I’m the type who needs to always be learning. So I would always need to be in a big city. Alain Bertaud, the urbanist, recently said, “the big contribution of cities is randomness.” And he continues: “You don't know what to expect. You don't know who you will meet. And, it's precisel…

Having lived in both rural and urban settings, I'm not sure the isolation you describe would be as correlated as you think. People in rural areas still hang out with one another (and even... alot) and people in cities still isolate themselves. To follow that line further, I'd argue that the fact that rural living gives you less choice in company increases the degree to which you invest in the relationships that happe…

> rural living gives you less choice in company increases the degree to which you invest in the relationships that happen to be around

I lived in New York at some point, and experienced the opposite of this first hand. In my experience, in NYC, it's easy to end with a lot of acquaintances but few real close friends.

At least in the social circles I moved around, everyone was always looking for "the next thing". There was an intense sense of impermanence. The next apartment, because the current one isn't great. The next job, because one can always do better. The next friend, because there's always more people to meet.

Especially in a city as romanticised as NYC, where a lot of people arrive with the expectation to live their best lives, make it big, and/or meet the most interesting people, I think people get used to the idea that something better is always around the corner.

Re: Should more of us be moving to live near friends?

#139

Post by acidburnNSA »

nntwozz wrote: post #112

“Understand that friends come and go, but for the precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young.” — Baz Luhrmann from Everybody's Free (To Wear Sunscreen) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sTJ7AzBIJoI I haven't found the above advice to be true, I'm 40 now. I moved off grid after living in a c…

Do you live completely alone, or do you have family or roommates?

Re: Should more of us be moving to live near friends?

#140

Post by fsckboy »

our society(s) have conducted two (three?) experiments at once, and it's not easy to separate the confounding factors. We spend less time with our relatives. We have drastically smaller families/fewer relatives. We move great distances and go out of touch with not only our families, but also our former friends.

We also more drastically sort ourselves than before by some notions of class like "what you majored in" at "what tier of institution" and "stayed in academia" or "went into industry" etc.

moving to live near friends is probably helpful but not a panacea; nor are we going to do it so...

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