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Stop making every conversation about yourself

thoguhts.substack.com

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Re: Stop making every conversation about yourself

#131

Post by DonHopkins »

twelvechairs wrote: post #103
fnordpiglet wrote: post #61

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I’ve found that people generally really enjoy talking about themselves but only if you’re truly interested and are drawing connections between yourself and them and their experiences and interests. If you’re merely pumping them for information or listening to their stories about themselves it’s not a connection building experience, it’s just setting them up to self reflect verbally to you. The key for me is people li…

The way people approach conversation is strongly culturally ingrained. The way it was explained to me by a Brit is that he had to stop looking for "normal conversation" because Californians just "take turns talking about themselves". There's advantages and disadvantages both ways but most people are strongly biased to whatever approach they grew up with.

Californians just take turns talking about what turns they took to drive to where they are talking about what roads they took to get there.

Every Californians Ever (Part 1 of 2):

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dCer2e0t8r8

Every Californians Ever (Part 2 of 2):

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xzZkaqBmH-s

I love how the actors have such a hard time keeping from cracking up while delivering their lines and facial expressions, because it's TOTALLY how Californians actually talk. (Except for Betty White whose performance was flawless.)

Q: How many Northern Californians does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Hella!!!

Q: How many Southern Californians does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Totally!!!

https://escholarship.org/uc/item/6492j904

Hella Nor Cal or Totally So Cal?: The Perceptual Dialectology of California

Mary Bucholtz, Nancy Bermudez, Victor Fung, Lisa Edwards and Rosalva Vargas. Journal of English Linguistics 2007; 35; 325. DOI: 10.1177/0075424207307780

>Abstract

>This study provides the first detailed account of perceptual dialectology within California (as well as one of the first accounts of perceptual dialectology within any single state). Quantitative analysis of a map-labeling task carried out in Southern California reveals that California’s most salient linguistic boundary is between the northern and southern regions of the state. Whereas studies of the perceptual dialectology of the United States as a whole have focused almost exclusively on regional dialect differences, respondents associated particular regions of California less with distinctive dialects than with differences in language (English versus Spanish), slang use, and social groups. The diverse socio linguistic situation of California is reflected in the emphasis both on highly salient social groups thought to be stereotypical of California by residents and nonresidents alike (e.g., surfers) and on groups that, though prominent in the cultural landscape of the state, remain largely unrecognized by outsiders (e.g., hicks).

Extra credit question:

Can you locate the isogloss designating the "101" / "The 101" line?

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Isogloss

Re: Stop making every conversation about yourself

#132

Post by owenversteeg »

gilleain wrote: post #125
owenversteeg wrote: post #107

I always hate these kind of conversation advice/social advice blog post things because the reality is that you can be an excellent conversationalist and make friends with everyone with all different conversational styles. I have friends that talk about themselves 75% of the conversation but nobody gives a shit because they’re interesting/funny/unusual/whatever and people like to be entertained. Similarly I have frien…

> or mentioning their name X times Reminds me of this : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1W34wyKZlWQ (Mitchell and Webb, 'People Person' sketch). Yes, it's obvious when people do this, and unconvincing.

Ah, I love Mitchell and Webb! Somehow I forgot about that sketch but yes it’s absolutely spot on as usual.

Re: Stop making every conversation about yourself

#134

Post by melvinmelih »

owenversteeg wrote: post #107

I always hate these kind of conversation advice/social advice blog post things because the reality is that you can be an excellent conversationalist and make friends with everyone with all different conversational styles. I have friends that talk about themselves 75% of the conversation but nobody gives a shit because they’re interesting/funny/unusual/whatever and people like to be entertained. Similarly I have frien…

> You can spot someone who just read How To Make Friends or whatever else a mile away - why? Because they seem to be nervously following some invisible rule and it ends up making them seem like a kid from the school paper conducting their first interview

I had dinner once with an acquaintance in the industry who did this. Every interaction we had with someone else (hostess, waiter, etc) he made it a point to stop them and ask their name. It was incredibly awkward because there was no point in knowing everyone’s name.

Re: Stop making every conversation about yourself

#135

Post by owenversteeg »

The_Colonel wrote: post #123
owenversteeg wrote: post #107

I always hate these kind of conversation advice/social advice blog post things because the reality is that you can be an excellent conversationalist and make friends with everyone with all different conversational styles. I have friends that talk about themselves 75% of the conversation but nobody gives a shit because they’re interesting/funny/unusual/whatever and people like to be entertained. Similarly I have frien…

> I have friends that talk about themselves 75% of the conversation but nobody gives a shit because they’re interesting/funny/unusual/whatever and people like to be entertained. What if you're talking 75% of the conversation, but the content isn't particularly interesting/funny? Is that still fine? > Having a relaxed, natural conversation! “Have a few beers and relax and just talk normally” Where "natural" and "norma…

Natural is just that, natural. I have never met a human being alive that has never had a natural conversation and yes that includes people with strong social anxiety, autism, you name it. Maybe that’s when you talk to your mother, or when you’re drunk, or when you’re talking to your best friend, or you live in a basement and it’s some guy over voice chat in a game or whatever but I guarantee you have had at least one.

Pretty sure everyone knows what “relax” means.

I never said you should talk ONLY about yourself. I just said that a realistic conversation can be all over the place and the exact split doesn’t matter.

Re: Stop making every conversation about yourself

#136

Post by melvinmelih »

andirk wrote: post #25

A dating advice, for a guy, is "70/30"; Let her speak 70%, you speak 30%. People really like to share their own knowledge because that is their comfort zone, especially about themself. When I throw a few cocktails back, I can get too comfortable with ranting, so I try to stfu every couple minutes to let others take the reins just in case I'm being overzealous (which is also embarrassing).

When you both follow this advice, it leads to both talking for 30%, leading to awkward silences for about 40%.

Just kidding, but it’s generally true: two introverts have not much to talk about. I certainly always enjoy talking to extraverts because they fill up the silent space.

Re: Stop making every conversation about yourself

#137

Post by AlecSchueler »

aurareturn wrote: post #117
AlecSchueler wrote: post #114

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I'm sorry but that's just sexist nonsense based more in male fantasy than any actual research amongst women.

There's been tons of studies confirming what I wrote. In some studies, 100% of the women chose the muscular body type over the skinny type for an ideal male body. But yes, let's ignore all the research and basic instinct because you want to be politically correct.

And would you care to link to some of the tonnes of research? It already sounds dubious. Ideal is not the same as most attractive fire instance. But let's see the science you're basing your generalising statements on.

Re: Stop making every conversation about yourself

#138

Post by EVa5I7bHFq9mnYK »

scrapheap wrote: post #23

I'm more than happy to hear people talking about themselves - I just wish people would remember that they've already told me a story before. The third time you hear about someone's school days when they did X, Y and Z can get a bit boring :D

That's also part of the difficulty of having multiple girlfriends at an advanced age. If you have N girlfriends and M jokes, you should maintain a table sized N*M to keep track which joke already told to which girlfriend.

Re: Stop making every conversation about yourself

#139

Post by [deleted] »

aurareturn wrote: post #117
AlecSchueler wrote: post #114

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I'm sorry but that's just sexist nonsense based more in male fantasy than any actual research amongst women.

There's been tons of studies confirming what I wrote. In some studies, 100% of the women chose the muscular body type over the skinny type for an ideal male body. But yes, let's ignore all the research and basic instinct because you want to be politically correct.

[deleted]

Re: Stop making every conversation about yourself

#140

Post by [deleted] »

TeMPOraL wrote: post #71
lynx23 wrote: post #41

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Oh yeah. I have good conversational memory. Hearing the same story three times is usually when I start to doubt the other persons memory. However, they have a different task to solve. I only have to concentrate on what they are telling me, and that makes repetition detection easier. However, they likely told the same story to numberous people, so they are used to repetitions, but they have no (good) mechanism to dete…

> they likely told the same story to numberous people, so they are used to repetitions, but they have no (good) mechanism to detect when they tell the same story to the same person. Maybe, but then there was that person I was close enough to, that I knew for a fact I was one of up to three people she told some of the stories to, and yet I'd still hear those stories repeatedly, on a weekly or monthly basis. So at leas…

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