131–140 of 355 posts
I've seen this and it's fascinating but nobody I mention it to seems interested. So I say to them if anyone is a real-life Spock it's Marshall Rosenberg.
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I get the feeling you really need to know about the folks you are talking to if you intend to use that phrasing. The oddity of that sentence probably would escalate any situation far beyond just saying: "Don't eat the food that isn't yours" with certain groups of people. I lived in one place that the indirectness would be seen as weakness and not respected at all.
^I echo this sentiment. Someone coming into my work culture with NVC would get politely dismissed in public, and absolutely SAVAGED behind closed doors.
Nonviolent communication comes up on HN every few months and it's always the same praises and criticisms. I've been on the receiving end of NVC quite a few times in my career, and every single time it comes off as patronizing bullshit. I'd rather people yell at me than couch everything in, "I feel X" or "Would you be willing to Y". When important things must be done well, do you think this sort of language is used? O…
In those situations, everyone is assumed to be an adult who is strong enough to take direct criticism. This is the example given in the article: [1. Observe Facts] Felix, when I see two balls of soiled socks under the coffee table, [2. Note Feelings] I feel irritated because [3. Uncover Desires] I want more order in the rooms that we share in common - [4. Make Requests] would you be willing to put your socks in the w…
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What would you recommend a person in that situation say instead?
Would you be willing to tell me what you recommend a person say in that situation instead? To me it does sound more passive-aggressive to circumlocute vs just directly ask. I guess specifically because it implies a "no" would be due to simple unwillingness, which in a sense is always implicit but sort of routes around that a person may have reasons beyond simple obstinate refusal to grant the request. FWIW, in my lim…
> To me it does sound more passive-aggressive to circumlocute vs just directly ask. I guess specifically because it implies a "no" would be due to simple unwillingness, which in a sense is always implicit but sort of routes around that a person may have reasons beyond simple obstinate refusal to grant the request.
Not necessarily. It gives them the opportunity to explain. Compare with "Please stop eating my food." "would you only eat the food that you buy?" as someone else mentioned. The first invites no response. The second requires the other person be somewhat confrontational to provide clarification. There second requires that they escalate to negotiate. If you don't want to invite negotiation, that's fine, but then you weren't earnestly engaging in NVC.
If someone says "would you be willing to only eat food that you bring", it naturally invites a followup "then why aren't you"? There may be varying levels of legitimacy to answer this. Consider a few: "I can't afford to bring my own food" (I realize this is unlikely as coworkers, but it's possible in similar situations), "I'm an asshole and I don't like you", "I always forget to pack a lunch", "I find that the food you bring is delicious and I enjoy it more than my own".
All of these invite may invite different responses. Some may require escalation to HR or whatever, but some may be solvable without escalation. You may be willing to chip in for lunch for a coworker who can't afford it, or complain to the boss about wages, or if a coworker really enjoys the food you bring, a solution may be to bring extra and share sometimes, and perhaps get paid for it.
Or maybe you don't want to do those things, and that's alright too. But the idea is that those options wouldn't be available if you hadn't allowed the clarification.
(Note in a situation that's much more like a negotiation without an obviously correct party, NVC sounds more normal: "We feel that feature X is very important, would you be able to prioritize it and complete it this month?")
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As a math student considering a teaching career, I recently took a course on math education taught by a retired high school math teacher. One of the things she placed a heavy emphasis on was our questioning techniques and classroom management strategies. Every single one of the non-violent communication strategies you listed from the article were specifically singled out as things we should never say when asking ques…
Uh-oh, I think I might be doing this (as a college lecturer). Do you have some references, or some examples of how this might arise in a classroom?
As for references, I don't really. Everything in that course was on paper handouts made specifically for us by our instructor (we had a class of 5 people). Essentially, what you want to do is ask a question directly, without couching it in any NVC-style language. Don't say "Would you like to...?" or "Does anyone know...?" Those sorts of queries open you up to a sarcastic response, though as I said I wouldn't expect that tone from college students.
the requests all sound very passive aggressive to me. eg, “ would you be willing to only eat the food that you buy?”
That's not passive aggressive. That's a direct ask, to your face, just worded softly.
Body language, tone and cadence all affect how this request is understood.
Words read on a screen are often filtered through your presumptions of the writer's tone, rather than the actual tone that was meant.
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I'm curious what your rendition of "empathetic" is in this case.
When somebody communicates with me using NVC, it feels like they are treating me like a cog in the machine that needs adjusting. They're approaching the conversation with a goal-oriented mindset, where engineering circumstances that result in my compliance is a puzzle they've been tasked with solving. The appearance of caring about my feelings, the apparent empathy, is only a facade. The other party doesn't care abou…
How would you have phrased (empathetically) the ask that someone stop eating your food? Let's pretend you're asking me.
If I wanted to, I could take anything you say the wrong way. NVC is generally good for avoiding most of the easy pitfalls.
They're approaching the conversation with a goal-oriented mindset, where engineering circumstances that result in my compliance is a puzzle they've been tasked with solving.
That covers everything from persuasion to manipulation to managing to parenting.
I doubt that this is actually your criterion, because in the course of a single week you will approach a conversation in a goal oriented way many times. Every human does this unconsciously. People who claim they don't just don't realize that they do.
NVC really is amazing. It immediately cuts down tension when flight or fight responses are triggered.
I've read "Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life" and found it helpful in personal & work communication. I _hate_ the name, though. I don't want to suggest to someone that they read about non-violent communication because that suggests they're being violent when they're not. I'd prefer almost any other name. Some better names: "observational communication", "non-judgmental communication", "empathetic communica…
the requests all sound very passive aggressive to me. eg, “ would you be willing to only eat the food that you buy?”
"Oh yeah dude I ate that, I'm really sorry, I didn't even think about it."
"That's all right man. Would you be willing to help me find some food for tonight? I'm sort of beside myself."
"For sure, here, let me see..."
Conversation resumes when player one is not hangry. Left as an exercise to the reader.