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How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends?

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Re: How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends?

#121

Post by tehwalrus »

benjamincburns wrote: post #103
rangibaby wrote: post #98

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> One last thing... I'm not sure that this will help any, but language is really tricky. I'm an American living in New Zealand. I'm sure my language issues pale in comparison, but I am constantly second-guessing myself. It's not that I'm worried that people won't understand me, it's that I'd rather communicate in a way that's natural to the people who are listening to me -- I'm sure you can relate. What I'd say is th…

> Have you run into this? Yes. I have two examples. One glaring, and one subtle. First the glaring one: the word "cunt." In the US it's quite offensive to call someone a cunt, and even using the word in conversation is considered quite "low." Here it's also an offensive thing to call somebody, but it's not quite as ghastly as we'd make it out to be back home. You certainly wouldn't use the word in a professional sett…

something "average" being mediocre is also a British English thing.

I refer you to the viral image that was going around on facebook etc entitled "what British people say, versus what they mean":

http://www.buzzfeed.com/lukelewis/what-british-people-say-ve...

Re: How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends?

#122

Post by edwinyzh »

Non-English speaker here, not sure if I can express it correctly and accurately, but I'll try:

Do NOT make friends just for making friends, but start doing something (sports for example) you are interested in and join the group of people with the same interest, everything else will follow.

And you seem to think too much even before you start interacting with other people - yes, introvert people often act like this, but, try to enjoy the moment. Try read The Power Of Now.

Re: How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends?

#123

Post by TomGullen »

Find some meetup groups/hobby groups in your area, and go a little outside your comfort zone (don't go for a tech group!) but something you are actually interested in (art perhaps?)

Secondly, if finances allow, moving into a house share is a good idea. The more people the better I think!

Don't despair, loneliness when everyone around you appears fulfilled is a pretty horrible feeling, but the reality is actually far different to how you perceive it.

Re: How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends?

#124

Post by nicholassmith »

ccrush wrote: post #116

Learn to ride a motorcycle. They are great for your area, awesome on gas, never worry about traffic, and park anywhere. But most importantly, anyone with a motorcycle will treat you like a best friend or even a brother just because you're riding a motorcycle. That's two problems solved at once. Also, you're a techie so getting into a conversation at your local shop might be a bit of a drag. Get online, find your loca…

"Learn to ride a motorcycle.", or start riding a bicycle, there's usually a couple of cycle clubs in most areas and most are pretty open and welcoming. Get the bonus of getting fit at the same time.

Re: How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends?

#125

Post by leaveyou »

icebraining wrote: post #93
leaveyou wrote: post #81

Earlier quoted context omitted.

-10000 for online gaming. You don't know it yet but online gaming can ruin your life. It's the most accessible, inoffensive looking, procrastination enhancing, important decision delaying, time wasting, addictive habit/hobby/relaxation.

Lots of things can ruin your life, including having friends IRL. It's a reason to be mindful, not to ban it from one's life.

I'm not for banning. I'm for actively discouraging people who "have nothing to do" with their time, from seeking refuge in something which is actively designed to captivate them and consume as much of their resources as possible. There are many addictive & destructive things, but few of them are legal and actively being evolved to enslave you at the same time.

Re: How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends?

#126

Post by probably_wrong »

alexshye wrote: post #53
benjamincburns wrote: post #50

I'd highly recommend doing two things in parallel. 1. Read How to win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie. 2. Try to talk to someone new every day. On item 1 - I promise that it's not as lame as the title makes it sound. If you internalize the core advice behind this book it will drastically improve your life and it will make you a better person. On item 2 - don't go overboard with this. There's no need to…

100% agree on How to Win Friends and Influence People. Classic book. The title makes the book sound dubious, but it really isn't.

I'll be the disagreeing voice. I read the book, and what I got from it was a manipulating vibe, not as strong as the one I get from the PUA community, but close.

I took this random quote right now:

> So, because I had apologized and sympathized with her point of view, she began apologizing and sympathizing with my point of view, I had the satisfaction of controlling my temper, the satisfaction of returning kindness for an insult. I got infinitely more real fun out of making her like me than I could ever have gotten out of telling her to go and take a jump in the Schuylkill River

That's not "I want to make a friend". That's "how do I get the most from others for my own purposes".

For me, "How to influence friends and influence people" would be a better title. I'll agree that it's great for business purposes, but for the "win friends" part, not so much.

Re: How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends?

#127

Post by hellbreakslose »

Very nice article explains London in and out. Tbh after reading the first 2-3 paragraphs I started disagreeing with you but then you brought the point of how bad London can be and that's fine.

For me, I don't like London am only here cause as you said if you can't go to America where else can you go?

I strongly disagree with one of your points: San Francisco can be expensive... Not comparing to London.

In London the average salary of a developer is somewhat close to 50-70k £ a year. After tax that becomes 35-40k. London is a very very very expensive City to Live in. Everything from food to rent is expensive.

IN San Fran I would be sitting at 100-120k $ and yes insurance etc can be expensive but still you can't compare the prices of food and housing in San Fran with London... Completely Different. Example: Order Chinese in San Fran: 8$ + 2$ tip = 10$, Order Chinese in London 8£. Oh seems fair? No not when your salary is compared 120k to 70k a year.

Re: How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends?

#128

Post by Lennu »

Clubs, sports and other group events doesn't solve the underlaying problem that in order to get friends or to become friends with someone you have to be interested in that person. If you are interested at someone and value him/her you will most likely like to spend time with them.

Everyone is saying that making friends as an adult is hard. Small talk, meeting new people, being friends is actually really easy. Just be interested about the guy/gal and listen to their story. I think you shouldn't even think that "hey today I'm going to make a friend", they are people, all of us are precious and have a great story to tell. You meet them everyday and if you just wish to get to know them better, listen and be interested. If you can't find the interest to listen to other people or do something with them, you will probably end up not having too many friends. Think about the motives why you want to meet new friends and why haven't you made them yet, what is the underlaying cause? Usually it is not that you are an introvert or can't speak the language properly. And this is something that you need to work with yourself.

Sure sports and clubs can help with the meeting process but as there are people everywhere, it is not the only way. You should go into these things if you want to do the subject of the club.

Re: How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends?

#129

Post by aianus »

ccrush wrote: post #116

Learn to ride a motorcycle. They are great for your area, awesome on gas, never worry about traffic, and park anywhere. But most importantly, anyone with a motorcycle will treat you like a best friend or even a brother just because you're riding a motorcycle. That's two problems solved at once. Also, you're a techie so getting into a conversation at your local shop might be a bit of a drag. Get online, find your loca…

I bought a motorcycle when I was in school and never met anyone with it. People will wave to you in the street but how do you turn that into friendship?

Re: How can an introvert Asian engineer like me make friends?

#130

Post by cyanfrog »

I'd say you being an introvert is not the case. It seems you have social axiety, and it's possibe to cure it by yourself. There are some guides in internet how to do it, but to put it simple(and this worked for me like a charm) - you have to get out of your comfort zone. push yourself to do things you would never normally do in public. it's not easy to do this, but after about a month you can just feel this CLICK. its really life changing. you just have to keep doing it, no matter how awkward it gets.
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