PHP has never been about the "language" as far as I see (hell, it was a templating system "evolved into a language"!), but about the platform (language + libraries + server + tools and what this meant for deployment and scaling).
PHP (the LAMP "web development platform" that happens to include the PHP language) got so popular because:
1. ease of deployment
2. ease of scaling
3! KISS by keeping the layers of abstraction few and thin (at first it was just a thin "templating" layer to reach the functions in C libs)
Only (3) has anything to do with the language itself, and is the only one the could translate to a language "vision". If PHP were to remain true to itself and its advantages that made it what it is today, their vision can only be to keep the layer of abstractions few and thin and this can only mean 2 and 3 from the OPs rant: procedural, functional and multi-paradigm enough to support OO (I know, people don't write functional code in PHP but I think they should - it really helps with KISS once you go over the "procedural brain rot").
P.S. As a developer I hate PHP (viscerally, passionately, religiously and in all other ways imaginable)! As a manager I absolutely love the "fail cheap, fail fast" philosophy and PHP is one of the few languages that enables this "flow".