Hacker News Board Hacker News, browsed like a classic message board
Live data from Hacker News

I'm addicted to being useful

seangoedecke.com

Post reply on HN
Print view View original

121–130 of 322 posts

Re: I'm addicted to being useful

#121

Post by jkestner »

n4r9 wrote: post #24
tclancy wrote: post #7

> I don’t mind the ways in which my job is dysfunctional, because it matches the ways in which I myself am dysfunctional As a fellow traveller, I offer one caution: learn to turn this down in personal relationships as it can be counterproductive. It took decades for my wife to finally get through and explain not every problem she voices is something that needs a solution. Some times people just want to be heard. It b…

I frame it not as turning a dial down, but as switching channel from practical problem-solver to emotional problem-solver. Often when someone wants to talk about a situation involving difficult feelings, they're actually trying to process those feelings: to understand where the feelings are coming from, to be validated, and to be able to take a broader perspective. You can help by being curious about what they're say…

> You can help by being curious about what they're saying, reflecting it back to them in your own terms

Yes! Be an emotional rubber duck.

Re: I'm addicted to being useful

#123

Post by haizhung »

Just a word of warning to not take this to the max. Do not define your personal self worth over how useful (you think) you are.

There’s a famous billionaire founder in Germany that attempted suicide just recently, because … he didn’t feel useful anymore.

https://7news.com.au/news/ex-boss-of-major-textile-brand-tri...

Re: I'm addicted to being useful

#124

Post by jayd16 »

choonway wrote: post #72

I was like the author of the article, then I realized that I was solving problems that were created by other peoples' incompetence. Sure they were challenging, fun but they didn't bring anything postive overall. The incompetent people are still there - causing more problems. So I decided to find a worthwhile problem that deserved my talent. And I did. And I am now even more happy than before.

Sometimes it's useful to just solve the problem at hand and sometimes it's useful to solve the root problem. Sometimes solving the root cause is knowledge sharing or mentoring. Sometimes the entire task is just not what you want to be doing with your career.

Part of becoming more senior is learning when each is appropriate.

Re: I'm addicted to being useful

#126

Post by anp »

Anyone who finds this relatable (like me) might benefit from learning more about the last couple of decades of research on emotional regulation, trauma, and the nervous system. I have a great “trauma informed” therapist and over time this tendency of mine feels much less compulsive and more like a choice I can make because I know I’m good at something. At least for me having a calmer internal life has made it way easier to pick my battles and it usually means I end up feeding my desire to be useful on more satisfying and impactful things than I would have chased in more obsessive times in my life.

Re: I'm addicted to being useful

#127

Post by tclancy »

onion2k wrote: post #57
tclancy wrote: post #7

> I don’t mind the ways in which my job is dysfunctional, because it matches the ways in which I myself am dysfunctional As a fellow traveller, I offer one caution: learn to turn this down in personal relationships as it can be counterproductive. It took decades for my wife to finally get through and explain not every problem she voices is something that needs a solution. Some times people just want to be heard. It b…

It took decades for my wife to finally get through and explain not every problem she voices is something that needs a solution. Some times people just want to be heard. I'm glad she managed to solve this problem in the end. ;)

Same!

Re: I'm addicted to being useful

#128

Post by spaceribs »

tclancy wrote: post #7

> I don’t mind the ways in which my job is dysfunctional, because it matches the ways in which I myself am dysfunctional As a fellow traveller, I offer one caution: learn to turn this down in personal relationships as it can be counterproductive. It took decades for my wife to finally get through and explain not every problem she voices is something that needs a solution. Some times people just want to be heard. It b…

I've fallen into this problem before, but theres an additional trap you should be aware of: You are not a therapist.

You cannot and should not just "listen" to problems that you're not allowed to work on or expect the other person to work on. You are an active member of this persons' life with your own point-of-view and emotional needs, not a dumping ground for emotional flotsam.

Re: I'm addicted to being useful

#129

Post by throwup238 »

spaceribs wrote: post #128
tclancy wrote: post #7

> I don’t mind the ways in which my job is dysfunctional, because it matches the ways in which I myself am dysfunctional As a fellow traveller, I offer one caution: learn to turn this down in personal relationships as it can be counterproductive. It took decades for my wife to finally get through and explain not every problem she voices is something that needs a solution. Some times people just want to be heard. It b…

I've fallen into this problem before, but theres an additional trap you should be aware of: You are not a therapist. You cannot and should not just "listen" to problems that you're not allowed to work on or expect the other person to work on. You are an active member of this persons' life with your own point-of-view and emotional needs, not a dumping ground for emotional flotsam.

This is a good point. In countries with well regulated industries, therapists are required to go to therapy themselves for that very reason. It takes training and continual psychological maintenance to be that emotional dumping ground for other people and should not be taken up by normal people lightly.
Post reply on HN