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Be a thermostat, not a thermometer (2023)

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Re: Be a thermostat, not a thermometer (2023)

#121

Post by nicbou »

grvdrm wrote: post #112
nicbou wrote: post #84

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I have the same problem and I made a lot of progress this year and the last. A few things that help in no particular order: - Write things down. Over time you start noticing patterns that help you diagnose and fix the issue. I particularly love the post-mortem when returning from a house party, and how batshit itsane it reads 5 days later. I also have a play-by-play diary of me thinking I was misreading a person's in…

> Treat your overreaction to social cues as irrational, and deal with it accordingly. This is so smart. Even broader, take your overreactions to most things as irrational. I am using this recently to rewire myself on all sorts of things and it's quite transformative.

Journaling helps a lot with that because you catch yourself writing about the same emotions in the same contexts. The predictability of it makes it easier to process rationally.

Re: Be a thermostat, not a thermometer (2023)

#122

Post by sethammons »

FollowingTheDao wrote: post #120
sethammons wrote: post #113

Earlier quoted context omitted.

The first link, that is a big stretch and misses half the response. They almost capture it and then flub to spread wrong information. They got this far: "I notice that when your partner talks to other men, you express feeling hurt and ask her not to. It sounds like you feel hurt and maybe even betrayed when she has those conversations. I hear that respect is really important to you, and you want to feel valued in the…

>They are digging for reasons to talk against the book. I assume there is some agenda. You have an agenda as well. The problem is that you need BOTH parties to engage in NVC for it to work. and what happens is the person who does not want to use NVC is blamed. This is denying the person their agency.

I feel that you desire agency on both parties. I believe that agency already exists. Like: "Let's play a game"; "I don't want to"; .... "ok?"

NVC, yes, is a cooperative framework. The agency is to accept that, propose something different, or withdraw from communication. This has nothing to do with denying agency. It is tooling for communicating needs. I don't find the criticism to make sense.

Perhaps you can help me understand by proposing an alternative or let me know where I am not understanding

Re: Be a thermostat, not a thermometer (2023)

#123

Post by FollowingTheDao »

sethammons wrote: post #122
FollowingTheDao wrote: post #120

Earlier quoted context omitted.

>They are digging for reasons to talk against the book. I assume there is some agenda. You have an agenda as well. The problem is that you need BOTH parties to engage in NVC for it to work. and what happens is the person who does not want to use NVC is blamed. This is denying the person their agency.

I feel that you desire agency on both parties. I believe that agency already exists. Like: "Let's play a game"; "I don't want to"; .... "ok?" NVC, yes, is a cooperative framework. The agency is to accept that, propose something different, or withdraw from communication. This has nothing to do with denying agency. It is tooling for communicating needs. I don't find the criticism to make sense. Perhaps you can help me…

>I feel that you desire agency on both parties.

That is such an artificial way of talking and it is making me not want to talk to you. You are actively cutting of communicating with me if you keep talking to me this way.

Now you will blame me, and not yourself.

I have lived all my life, cooperated with people of all kinds. Never used NVC.

Re: Be a thermostat, not a thermometer (2023)

#124

Post by joelfried »

lynx23 wrote: post #74
rocqua wrote: post #31

Earlier quoted context omitted.

The effort someone chooses to put in to manage and help the emotions of others. It ranges from listening to someone talk about their day to driving over at night to a friend who's upset, to organizing an entire intervention. It is often considered to fall more heavily on women. Notably, as work that often doesn't fully get redistributed when women enter the workforce, much like housekeeping often doesn't.

> It is often considered to fall more heavily on women. Citation needed.

Here you go: https://www.simplypsychology.org/emotional-labor.html

> Hochschild (1983) suggested that jobs requiring more emotional labor are performed primarily by women. These jobs typically involve creating feelings of well-being or affirmation in others – responsibilities usually assigned to women.

Hochschild, A. (1983). 1983 The managed heart. Berkeley: University of California Press.

Re: Be a thermostat, not a thermometer (2023)

#126

Post by [deleted] »

deisteve wrote: post #6

While the article has some good points about the importance of emotional intelligence and awareness, I'm skeptical about the idea that we can simply "choose" to be thermostats. Humans are complex and emotional creatures, and our emotions can be triggered by a multitude of factors beyond our control. The article's suggestions, while well-intentioned, feel like a form of emotional labor that can be exhausting and unsus…

[deleted]

Re: Be a thermostat, not a thermometer (2023)

#127

Post by downWidOutaFite »

deisteve wrote: post #6

While the article has some good points about the importance of emotional intelligence and awareness, I'm skeptical about the idea that we can simply "choose" to be thermostats. Humans are complex and emotional creatures, and our emotions can be triggered by a multitude of factors beyond our control. The article's suggestions, while well-intentioned, feel like a form of emotional labor that can be exhausting and unsus…

I read this article as intended for an HR or management audience whose job is to always be the professional in the room since your voice is interpreted as the company's voice.

Re: Be a thermostat, not a thermometer (2023)

#128

Post by sethammons »

FollowingTheDao wrote: post #123
sethammons wrote: post #122

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I feel that you desire agency on both parties. I believe that agency already exists. Like: "Let's play a game"; "I don't want to"; .... "ok?" NVC, yes, is a cooperative framework. The agency is to accept that, propose something different, or withdraw from communication. This has nothing to do with denying agency. It is tooling for communicating needs. I don't find the criticism to make sense. Perhaps you can help me…

>I feel that you desire agency on both parties. That is such an artificial way of talking and it is making me not want to talk to you. You are actively cutting of communicating with me if you keep talking to me this way. Now you will blame me, and not yourself. I have lived all my life, cooperated with people of all kinds. Never used NVC.

>That is such an artificial way of talking and it is making me not want to talk to you. You are actively cutting of communicating with me if you keep talking to me this way

cool, communication for the win and I can modulate to hopefully better understand you. how would you like to be acknowledged or how would you like me to check understanding? NVC is a framework to do that and you don't want artificial sounding exchanges. Cool. Is this still artificial? I don't really know. I am attempting to communicate with you and that takes checking understanding. I haven't blamed you for anything. And, yeah, as a throw back to the previous comment, I have an agenda: I am trying to understand and evaluate criticisms against NVC and I am not convinced by what those posts said. I want to know these because if I am giving bad advice by recommending NVC I want to stop.

You may have cooperated with people of all kinds, but in this exchange, I feel I am working extra hard to understand your position and finding cooperation difficult.

> Perhaps you can help me understand by proposing an alternative or let me know where I am not understanding

>> I have lived all my life, cooperated with people of all kinds. Never used NVC.

I think you are attempting help me understand your position, but I am having to stretch. You've cooperated and self-report to never have used NVC. OK, and what am I supposed to take away from that? I never said that NVC is the only way cooperation can be achieved. The claim is that by stating unmet needs and communicating those in a way that both parties can acknowledge and understand, that conflicts can be resolved. Conflicts can be resolved lots of ways, including walking away. Cooperation can happen even when you don't intend it. NVC is but a tool and one that I am still not sure what you object too.

Are you against the suggested words and sentence structure proposed by NVC? If so, again, I think that is missing the point.

Re: Be a thermostat, not a thermometer (2023)

#129

Post by sethammons »

FollowingTheDao wrote: post #117
radlad wrote: post #116

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I won't repeat what the sibling commenter has stated except to say that I agree that these authors seem to have missed the point. Anecdotally, my partner and I have found a ton of value in it within our relationship.

"Serenity now, insanity later." https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MJVIX-4OyT0

in my quest to better understand your position, I once again believe you missed the point. I think you are suggesting that NVC is artificial and smooths over chaos that needs to be experienced else things go worse later. NVC is expressly about not repressing your feelings and letting them be known via your unmet needs. Again, if I got this wrong, you are invited to correct me.

Mostly I'm just bored between meetings and not enough time to push anything productive forward and having a back and forth is pleasantly distracting. Might not reply again since work is nearly beckoning.

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