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The adult consequences of being bullied in childhood

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Re: The adult consequences of being bullied in childhood

#121

Post by jahsome »

15457345234 wrote: post #103
jahsome wrote: post #34

Earlier quoted context omitted.

We sound similar. In my case, inpatient treatment (looney bin) has helped immensely, especially when I found myself with no where else to go. I hope you find the peace you deserve.

That's a drastic response and I'd like to say - as a person that is in good mental health - that I've observed exactly the same type of unpleasant psychological manipulation by way of the big social platforms. I made the mistake of discussing potential relationship issues using FB messenger, over the course of a couple of weeks my feed became almost entirely toxic memetic content; infidelity memes, cuckoldry memes, '…

Is there such a thing as a "drastic response" to suicidal ideation?

Re: The adult consequences of being bullied in childhood

#122

Post by throwanem »

candiodari wrote: post #115
throwanem wrote: post #78

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> Given the reports of bullying's adverse effects of a society's productivity, I'm almost wondering if we should apply legal penalties to bullies and mitigate such externalities. A beautiful idea which will not work, any more than resort to adult authority ever does in such cases. Three reasons: Shallowly, first, the authority is not absolute and cannot be. There will always be opportunities for a bully to bully; try…

> Shallowly, first, the authority is not absolute and cannot be. There will always be opportunities for a bully to bully; trying to forbid this only makes it more appealing. A sufficiently interested bully won't let themself be avoided, and they find the appearance of vulnerability interesting because they're out for a good time and not a fight. As someone bullied in high school, I would counter this by saying "how a…

Well, I can't speak to any of that, for the reason with which I ended my prior comment: it is much worse than anything I've seen.

Had I sooner recognized the context in which I made that prior comment, I likely would not have; I only left it up after the edit for the sake of possible benefit to others familiar with the context in which I wrote it.

In retrospect, I lack confidence in that decision, but it's far too late to delete the comment now.

I will say that, given the opportunity in adult life to observe firsthand such behavior as you describe, I suspect I would incline in response to much the same methods which served me well in youth.

Re: The adult consequences of being bullied in childhood

#123

Post by Viliam1234 »

Quinzel wrote: post #51

I was bullied at school as a kid, it was shit… but sometimes when I look at what my bullies are up to these days thanks to social media, I can see quite clearly that despite being bullied, I fared better in terms of achieving a better education, higher income, and even being overall physically healthier. None of my bullies could run a half marathon now, most dropped out of university or never even attempted to go to…

I guess it depends. Bullies with little self-control probably find it difficult to keep a good job. But there are also bullies with good self-control, who know perfectly well in each situation what they can or can't afford doing; those will probably succeed.

Re: The adult consequences of being bullied in childhood

#124

Post by saltcured »

danielheath wrote: post #93
jraph wrote: post #88

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Absence of bullying doesn't mean absence of discipline. In no situation bullying is a good thing. Bullying is devastating and an unhealthy way of teaching things. You comment is basically saying "bullying didn't work on you because you were too weak". That's borderline victim shaming and completely insensitive. Courage has nothing to do with coping with bullying, and you should not need courage for daily interactions…

> Absence of bullying doesn't mean absence of discipline. If you're caught and punished immediately every single time you do X, you develop the internal discipline to avoid doing X almost instantly. A mild punishment is ample in this case - for many children saying "you know that isn't right" is sufficient. If you're caught only 10% of the time you do X, whether the punishment is mild or severe, the lesson is "don't…

To make matters worse, it's a whole spectrum rather than some clear delineation between constructive discipline and psyche ruining abuse.

On the constructive end, you have feedback and learning that can improve someone. It reinforces healthy feelings encouraging positive and discouraging negative behavior, both for the individual and for their expectations of others.

On the destructive end, randomized punishment leads to neurosis. Without any proper correlation between actions and consequences, the recipient develops fear and agitation without any useful training on how to improve outcomes. As I recall, this is a textbook result even in lab rats. It doesn't require the complexity of the human psyche.

In between, you can still have things like PTSD or the "walking on egg shells" mentioned upthread. In this broad gray area, one might at best learn avoidance of abusers or toxic environments. Or one might infer that they are punished for their mere existence, which could channel into all sorts of detrimental coping strategies.

Another result can be generalized anxiety. One might learn that the world is just full of random threat, rather than taking the more personal view that the abuse is punishment focused on the self.

Re: The adult consequences of being bullied in childhood

#125

Post by em-bee »

leechy wrote: post #113
em-bee wrote: post #110

Earlier quoted context omitted.

i am sorry you had to go through this. my dad wasn't as bad. from todays perspective what i experienced looks more like loss of self-control than intentional action. in any case i probably would never have been able to stand up for myself. partly because the outbursts were always connected to something we did, so it was easy to see it like the reason or the trigger was caused by us, and not my dad just being in a bad…

In some ways you became the person you would have needed as a kid. Now relax, you done good and broke the cycle of abuse.

thank you!

you became the person you would have needed as a kid

pretty much, yes. it took me decades to understand that myself.

i still sometimes loose my temper with my own kids, but once i noticed my kids copying my own behavior i started reflecting on that and try to avoid repeating the same mistakes.

the kids also helped me realize how much of what i do, both positive and negative is a reflection of my childhood. the same is true for my wife. and really, how could it be otherwise?

growing up is how we learn how to raise children. it's not school, or anywhere else.

this is a sort of different topic but i feel that this simple realization does not really reflect in public policy.

everyone seems to think that good education is enough to give people a better life. but little emphasis is placed on helping parents who are struggling. (and by helping i mean not taking the kids away, but provide services that lighten the parents load)

Re: The adult consequences of being bullied in childhood

#126

Post by orwin »

yungporko wrote: post #96
h4ch1 wrote: post #31

Not bullied in school since I could usually hold my own, but bullied by my father throughout my life. Being in a country where parental corporal punishment is normal, even encouraged, I was hit for minor to major (getting bad marks, staying out late to play with friends) events all throughout my life till I could save up enough to move out when I was 18. It took me my entire college life to get over the feeling of dr…

i also experienced bullying from a parental figure and quickly enter fight or flight mode as a result, which for me almost always leans towards fight. unfortunately for me that does not work well at all in office environments where you're supposed to be excessively fake and friendly and rely on passive aggression. in the past i've ended up snapping at coworkers and saying stuff like "either tell me what your problem…

Wow, try to change team. Is he working at the same level as you?

I only know 1 ex-coworker that was passive aggressive, and he was one of my managers, along with two other fake-friendly managers who were mostly inofensive. Luckily I wasn't the first target, and well, he targeted the most competent dev in the building, who also was a tad too honest. Didn't ended well, and by the time is axe went for my head, my product was mostly done and I was ready to go.

Re: The adult consequences of being bullied in childhood

#127

Post by orwin »

d--b wrote: post #26

Is there a study that compares the difference in bullying between countries? I have a feeling that bullying was/is particularly common and more violent in the UK compared to the rest of the world. I am from France, and I always found the portraiture of bullying in English culture quite foreign to me. Repeated beatings, total humiliation, stalking, all these horrific behaviors did seem fairly established in the UK, wh…

Its seems milder in France. Also, it seems that 5 to 6% of students are bullied which I find quite weird. Maybe it's because I'm from a very rural area, but i'm pretty sure bullying wasn't a thing, at least physically, and harassment didn't last long ended up in physical fights between two people, or two groups of people (sometime not even by affinity, just because he was in my class and we didn't took shit from underclassmen).

Re: The adult consequences of being bullied in childhood

#128

Post by deathanatos »

drukenemo wrote: post #77

For people here still struggling with their bullying (past), I’d highly recommend Cognitive Behavior Therapy together with EMDR. The same professional applied both techniques in my case. It has worked wonders for me and the painful past is much less painful now. Having being bullied no longer define my sentiments and outlook in life.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eye_movement_desensitization_a...

(I haven't engaged with / tried it because it seems like, at best, the jury is still out on it.)

Re: The adult consequences of being bullied in childhood

#129

Post by em-bee »

PH95VuimJjqBqy wrote: post #70
WIJIS6F3 wrote: post #40

I was bullied, mainly when I was between 10 and 11. This was in the 80's. I recall being both verbally and physically attacked by large groups of other students. My teachers didn't believe me so I couldn't turn to them. In one of the events 8 kids chased me several miles through neighborhoods and fields. Eventually they caught and surrounded me in a front yard. Luckily, an older woman opened her door and had me step…

I moved a lot as a kid and inevitably when I would get into a fight. Once it was established that I didn't bully well I'd be left alone. Thing is, the world is like that past HS it's just not physical violence. Learning to deal with bullies is a life skill that will be employed throughout most of your life.

the problem is, how does a kid actually learn how to deal with bullies?

just being exposed to bullying does not work. at least it didn't work for me. while i learned to stand up for others, i never learned to stand up for myself. i found only two options: either i am able to turn the bully around by becoming friends with them or i completely remove myself from the situation. and that can mean quitting a job and moving to a different city. (it never was as bad for me, so maybe i am exaggerating)

btw i feel that fighting back is decidedly not the right response to bullies. GP is lucky that he managed to stop after graduation, because i don't believe that many others are able to do that.

that said, i don't actually have any experience with this level of bullying. what i experienced was more light teasing, being made fun of, which of course i didn't like, but also didn't know how to respond to.

i do remember teachers noticing and initiating discussions with me and the kids involved. i don't remember if that helped, only that in one case i had the opportunity to respond to the teasing in kind, so i felt that i got even, and said as such when the teachers brought up that situation.

thinking about this now makes me realize that the problem was that these were not my friends. i didn't have any friends in school, and so the issue for me was that i didn't have any support that would have helped me deal with the teasing. i am only guessing that the discussions with the teachers helped me realize that this other kid wasn't stubbornly mean, but more playful, which probably was why i was able to respond in kind later. (i am just making this up now, i have no idea what i was thinking at the time)

so to the question, how to actually learn how to deal with bullies, i think, the answer is to learn how to make friends. not only friends that help you against bullies, but even try to make friends with the bullies themselves.

now in school that needs help from adults who enable the kids to interact with each other in a friendly manner, by providing them with experiences where they can learn to get to know each other.

Re: The adult consequences of being bullied in childhood

#130

Post by em-bee »

coolandsmartrr wrote: post #67

Few questions: - Should we create laws to penalize bullying? Given the reports of bullying's adverse effects of a society's productivity, I'm almost wondering if we should apply legal penalties to bullies and mitigate such externalities. For instance, South Korea enacted a policy in which records of bullying are reflected on college entrance.[1] [1] https://www.straitstimes.com/asia/east-asia/bullying-records... - Wi…

South Korea enacted a policy in which records of bullying are reflected on college entrance

that is an extremely bad idea. this means that mistakes you make as a child, will affect you for the rest of your life.

we need to keep in mind that bullies aren't just mean spirited kids that will never amount to anything good, but they are often themselves victims of a rough situation at home and use bullying as a way to share the pain they are experiencing.

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