Hacker News Board Hacker News, browsed like a classic message board
Live data from Hacker News

Stop making every conversation about yourself

thoguhts.substack.com

Post reply on HN
Print view View original

121–130 of 160 posts

Re: Stop making every conversation about yourself

#121

Post by owenversteeg »

owenversteeg wrote: post #107

I always hate these kind of conversation advice/social advice blog post things because the reality is that you can be an excellent conversationalist and make friends with everyone with all different conversational styles. I have friends that talk about themselves 75% of the conversation but nobody gives a shit because they’re interesting/funny/unusual/whatever and people like to be entertained. Similarly I have frien…

This has gotten a ton of votes in only a few minutes, so I figured I’d add:

If you want to get deeper into this - very few people can have a conversation, discreetly think about something unrelated at the same time, and then change the conversation accordingly. If you’re one of the few that can do this you’re definitely not taking conversation advice from a poorly written blog. There’s nothing that throws off a conversation faster than the other person clearly _thinking_ about the conversation. Doing that is also a social signal the size of Texas that you don’t have normal conversations. Just relaxing and talking normally, even if you talk about yourself, even if you never say their name, even if you bring up politics, even if you break every rule in the internet conversation blogger rulebook? That’s a social signal that you DO have normal social interactions. Relax and just talk like you normally do, not like some blogger told you.

Re: Stop making every conversation about yourself

#122

Post by DonHopkins »

scrapheap wrote: post #23

I'm more than happy to hear people talking about themselves - I just wish people would remember that they've already told me a story before. The third time you hear about someone's school days when they did X, Y and Z can get a bit boring :D

Think of it as an opportunity to annoy them by completing their sentences.

Re: Stop making every conversation about yourself

#123

Post by The_Colonel »

owenversteeg wrote: post #107

I always hate these kind of conversation advice/social advice blog post things because the reality is that you can be an excellent conversationalist and make friends with everyone with all different conversational styles. I have friends that talk about themselves 75% of the conversation but nobody gives a shit because they’re interesting/funny/unusual/whatever and people like to be entertained. Similarly I have frien…

> I have friends that talk about themselves 75% of the conversation but nobody gives a shit because they’re interesting/funny/unusual/whatever and people like to be entertained.

What if you're talking 75% of the conversation, but the content isn't particularly interesting/funny? Is that still fine?

> Having a relaxed, natural conversation! “Have a few beers and relax and just talk normally”

Where "natural" and "normal" is completely clear and self-evident to everybody.

Most of these advices are targeted at people who struggle with social interactions. Many people are lonely without friends and bad habits like talking only about themselves won't help with that.

If you have great social interactions then great! You likely don't need such advice.

(Although I think most people could learn some "tricks" to improve their relationships)

Re: Stop making every conversation about yourself

#124

Post by auggierose »

JesseMReeves wrote: post #94
rockbruno wrote: post #22

There is a balance to this. If you always only listen to others and never speak about yourself, you fail to build connections with them (because they know nothing about you). I had the opposite problem, I made every conversation about them and had to learn to change that in order to be able to make friends.

A lot of people out there do not listen to learn or share viewpoints or out of genuine interest for the other being, but to get information that they can later use against you. People with real interests (nerds) should be particularly careful when talking to most people because nerds don’t understand such intent, which is why I try to not share my interests or similar personal information when I don’t sense certain p…

I don't know what TotK is, or BotW (Zelda rings a bell, somehow), so she is probably right. Just own it.

Re: Stop making every conversation about yourself

#125

Post by gilleain »

owenversteeg wrote: post #107

I always hate these kind of conversation advice/social advice blog post things because the reality is that you can be an excellent conversationalist and make friends with everyone with all different conversational styles. I have friends that talk about themselves 75% of the conversation but nobody gives a shit because they’re interesting/funny/unusual/whatever and people like to be entertained. Similarly I have frien…

> or mentioning their name X times

Reminds me of this : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1W34wyKZlWQ (Mitchell and Webb, 'People Person' sketch). Yes, it's obvious when people do this, and unconvincing.

Re: Stop making every conversation about yourself

#126

Post by bacza2 »

gulyams wrote: post #18

This describes me well. How can you find the inner home? How can you be more conscious during conversations? I often come from an interaction with someone thinking: "God, I talked way too much. Should've listened more."

You might have heard it from other places but meditation. It's literally training you to be present with your thoughts and knowing what exactly is happening in your mind at the moment (and letting it go).

Once you start meditating regularly you can observe that you got tangled up in thoughts quite early on and pull yourself back.

As many practitioners say it helps to create space between impulse and action.

Re: Stop making every conversation about yourself

#127

Post by distcs »

Beware! This is an article from a spam account!

See:

* https://news.ycombinator.com/submitted?id=aksh7i (100% self promotion)

* https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=37963914 (flagged)

* https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=37966657 (warned)

* https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=38067963 (dead)

* https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=38187431 (flagged and dead)

* https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=38188099 (warned again)

* https://news.ycombinator.com/threads?id=aksh7i (incoherent comments)

Re: Stop making every conversation about yourself

#128

Post by tuyiown »

circlefavshape wrote: post #108
scrapheap wrote: post #23

I'm more than happy to hear people talking about themselves - I just wish people would remember that they've already told me a story before. The third time you hear about someone's school days when they did X, Y and Z can get a bit boring :D

If you have a lot of stories and talk to a lot of people then this gets very difficult very fast

I suppose someone that genuinely cares about the people they tell stories would remember what they said to who, and how they reacted to it.

Re: Stop making every conversation about yourself

#129

Post by JesseMReeves »

auggierose wrote: post #124
JesseMReeves wrote: post #94

Earlier quoted context omitted.

A lot of people out there do not listen to learn or share viewpoints or out of genuine interest for the other being, but to get information that they can later use against you. People with real interests (nerds) should be particularly careful when talking to most people because nerds don’t understand such intent, which is why I try to not share my interests or similar personal information when I don’t sense certain p…

I don't know what TotK is, or BotW (Zelda rings a bell, somehow), so she is probably right. Just own it.

It seems you did not understand what I was trying to illustrate with this example.

Edit: I removed the example because it just distracts from the point.

Re: Stop making every conversation about yourself

#130

Post by marstall »

when beginning a new interaction, I try to remember to "read the room" first, a mostly non-linear/non-verbal process that involves a lot of mimetic movement and eye contact that is governed subconsciously.

Then I can take part in the dance of chat better. Conversation is often best when it has a fast cadence and a lightness and humor to it. And charming qualities like self-deprecation, showing appreciation, going along with others' vibe etc.

Many people here are talking about "sharing" and "listening" - but that can be quite a dull and mechanical back and forth pattern! Facts, opinions and personal anecdotes, far from being the lifeblood of good conversation, tend to weigh it down instead, like pressing pause on the music.

Post reply on HN