More enforcement will force businesses to remove obnoxious consent flows as those are already in breach of the regulation and it just needs enforcement. Consent should be explicitly opt-in, you can't force it with annoyances, dark patterns or denying the service.
Some shitty businesses who outright can't be profitable without stalking will fold which is a good thing (less spyware in the world), most will adapt just fine - executives/shareholders may just have to forego that new yacht or supercar.
> A poorly written law, apparently designed to introduce additional friction into simple web browsing
It's not poorly written. It's written very well to explicitly outlaw the kind of malicious pseudo-compliance you're complaining about. Its objective is not to introduce friction, it's to outlaw spyware (which we've somehow normalized over the past decade).
> with porous and easily-evaded definitions and vague goals
The goals are not porous - in fact the law is intentionally broad enough so that the spirit of any data collection/processing can be taken into account, rather than a specific technicality (which is why focusing on cookies is stupid because GDPR doesn't care whether you do your tracking with cookies, IP addresses or the shipping/billing address your customer provides). The goal of the law is again to outlaw the business model of spyware.
> a tiny fraction of planetary inhabitants
Is the EU that small? Come on.