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Thank HN: Five months ago, I was feeling like a loser, now I am opposite

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Re: Thank HN: Five months ago, I was feeling like a loser, now I am opposite

#121

Post by em-bee »

s1artibartfast wrote: post #101
em-bee wrote: post #95

Earlier quoted context omitted.

sorry, i read your post to fast, and missed the part where you say that the wife may have suggested to ask here. the reason i am stuck on this is because from my experience and from what marriage counselors have told me, the majority of relationship problems come from lack of communication. OP considering divorce doesn't sound like there was any sensible communication between them at the time.

Thank you for rereading and for sharing. My experience differs. In my experience, multiple marriage and personal counselors have been very clear that there are personal problems and relationship problems. Personal problems can cause relationship problems, and often times a spouse can only lend support as individuals work through their personal problem. It can be unhealthy and destructive to expect your spouse or rela…

i agree with that. the partner can't solve personal problems, but support from the partner is often necessary and helpful in order to allow the other to solve their problem. especially when that problem affects the relationship

Re: Thank HN: Five months ago, I was feeling like a loser, now I am opposite

#122

Post by s1artibartfast »

dcow wrote: post #105
s1artibartfast wrote: post #89

Earlier quoted context omitted.

In not especially offended, but it does rub me the wrong way when people make negative assumptions about others, then offer their advice. To me it comes off as condescension, not actually help. If they wanted to help or cared, they would seek to understand first. Unsolicited and more importantly uninformed advice shows a disregard for the recipient. It reminds me of legal advice threads where people give terrible adv…

> For my part, I want to use that freedom to tell people that it is unproductive and generally considered rude to make unsolicited, uncharitable, and uninformed assumptions about the marriages of others. Moreso, because I think are giving out factually bad advice. Perhaps you should respond to the factually bad parts, because that's actually debatable. Leading with "that's rude" is a personal sentiment and all it tak…

I did in a sibling thread

Re: Thank HN: Five months ago, I was feeling like a loser, now I am opposite

#123

Post by s1artibartfast »

3qz wrote: post #49
em-bee wrote: post #47

Earlier quoted context omitted.

it shouldn't have to be normal. ideally your partner is supporting you especially in times like this. you should be able to share with your wife what OP shared with HN. if he had, the result might have been to not only get a new job but get a job in a different location, with a new, bigger house. it's more work to pull that off, and not something they could have done while the relationship is sour, but possible if th…

> ideally your partner is supporting you In reality she will leave you for a guy who isn’t so miserable all the time.

It is certainly a possibility. It is not uncommon for people to have a personal problem that they refused to address which is unacceptable for their partner, even if they love them.

Re: Thank HN: Five months ago, I was feeling like a loser, now I am opposite

#124

Post by [deleted] »

sacrosancty wrote: post #19

Just a suggestion, but if your relationship with your wife depends on your personal circumstances and mood, then it sounds not very strong. Might be worth taking advantage of this good period to do some relationship strengthening exercises while you can so that when the next downturn happens, you can both understand each other's and your own feelings better. I'm not talking about random activities like going to the b…

[deleted]

Re: Thank HN: Five months ago, I was feeling like a loser, now I am opposite

#125

Post by ac2022 »

daneel_w wrote: post #21

Glad to hear it worked out for the better. My current employment is no longer fulfilling and I wish to "move on", but I can only do remote and such vacancies are very hard to come by in Sweden.

Try Toptal. I applied there for practice and as a backup. It seems they have plenty of projects.

Also SaaS like Deel make it easy for employers to hire anyone around the world. The problem is educating the employers. I would perhaps add a blurb about getting paid via Deel in cover letter.

Re: Thank HN: Five months ago, I was feeling like a loser, now I am opposite

#126

Post by heywoodlh »

s1artibartfast wrote: post #101
em-bee wrote: post #95

Earlier quoted context omitted.

sorry, i read your post to fast, and missed the part where you say that the wife may have suggested to ask here. the reason i am stuck on this is because from my experience and from what marriage counselors have told me, the majority of relationship problems come from lack of communication. OP considering divorce doesn't sound like there was any sensible communication between them at the time.

Thank you for rereading and for sharing. My experience differs. In my experience, multiple marriage and personal counselors have been very clear that there are personal problems and relationship problems. Personal problems can cause relationship problems, and often times a spouse can only lend support as individuals work through their personal problem. It can be unhealthy and destructive to expect your spouse or rela…

> Personal problems can cause relationship problems, and often times a spouse can only lend support as individuals work through their personal problem.

Totally agreed with this.

In my experience (~7 years married) I didn't acknowledge I had anxiety for a really long time -- because I didn't know it. Up until the moment I actually acknowledged it I couldn't "level up" in my relationship.

On top of that, people change with time and experience (for better or worse). I feel like I am a completely different person than who I was when I first got married. Fortunately, I changed in ways that happened to be good for my relationship -- but I truly believe that some people have to level up by leaving a relationship -- even if it's not necessarily a "bad" relationship.

I.E. a relationship may begin with or without religion and if that changes for one of them it could be a breaking change for the other -- even if the people still treat each other with mutually love and respect and are hypothetically perfectly healthy with one another.

Re: Thank HN: Five months ago, I was feeling like a loser, now I am opposite

#127

Post by pjerem »

TedDoesntTalk wrote: post #103
uoaei wrote: post #98

Earlier quoted context omitted.

But they can sure as hell make you unhappy! And it's up to you to keep that in mind.

Why would they be able to make you unhappy but not be able to make you happy? How can they affect one but not both?

By being assholes. It happens

Re: Thank HN: Five months ago, I was feeling like a loser, now I am opposite

#128

Post by tr1ll10nb1ll »

qq66 wrote: post #23

"Series D startup" may be a very bad place to be very soon. Keep grinding LeetCode.

OP says he's having fun. I think that's to be prioritized over the better offers, or heck, even the potential downturn that the startup might face itself.

If it were a "I got a job, it's cool." condition, leetcode grinding would've been good advice but he says work is 1000x more exciting so I'm assuming he loves it.

Re: Thank HN: Five months ago, I was feeling like a loser, now I am opposite

#129

Post by AtlasBarfed »

"My wife wanted to buy a big house and I kept blaming her for the stress."

Feminism's greatest enemies aren't necessarily men, but their wives. Your previous post indicated you "needed a bigger house" but clearly there was more to it.

It seems like you have great emotional investment in two things that don't reciprocate your investment: your wife only seems to care about what you can give her, and a job is by definition a business relationship with a company they can sever whenever it is convenient to them.

I would guess you do not have a good sense of self-worth. It's ok, it's really hard to have a good self-worth in a world where you are exposed to thousands of daily messages of inadequacies. It's ok to get some reinforcement from jobs, but just keep in mind it is a business relationship.

I hope your wife does not also consider your marriage a business relationship. Two kids are a "real marriage" not easily unraveled.

Hope the best for you.

Re: Thank HN: Five months ago, I was feeling like a loser, now I am opposite

#130

Post by n0th3r-curious »

sacrosancty wrote: post #19

Just a suggestion, but if your relationship with your wife depends on your personal circumstances and mood, then it sounds not very strong. Might be worth taking advantage of this good period to do some relationship strengthening exercises while you can so that when the next downturn happens, you can both understand each other's and your own feelings better. I'm not talking about random activities like going to the b…

Well said! Unless the personal life is happy (stable dependable lovable relationship like spouse/significant other), it's hard to succeed in professional life.
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