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A simple system I’m using to stay in touch with hundreds of people

jakobgreenfeld.com

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Re: A simple system I’m using to stay in touch with hundreds of people

#121

Post by p_l »

mb_72 wrote: post #109

Hmmm, I would never use such a system as for one thing - if people aren't contacting me, why should I care about contacting them? I have several 'best friends', maybe twice that 'friends', and then a bunch more I interact with sometimes, and I feel this is relatively normal. Also, I don't care actually if it's not normal, and don't feel I'm missing out on anything. That said, I'm quite the introvert and generally val…

I often have a mismatch between communication styles leading to problems with such reciprocal expectation about contact like you describe - especially since I try to be conscientous about other people's time. In fact, the more I care, the harder it is to possibly interrupt someone who might be in middle of something important to them.

I see this system as a way of preventing backsliding into rarer and rarer interactions when they aren't pushed by common activities.

Re: A simple system I’m using to stay in touch with hundreds of people

#122

Post by [deleted] »

otikik wrote: post #82
MrYellowP wrote: post #5

So he's treating people like assets, not friends, and these assets need to be checked on on a regular basis. If there were friends, he'd not need to be reminded of contacting them. He'd miss contacting them. So instead he needs a tool to remind him of that "friend" he needs to contact, because pretending to care is beneficial. One might some day need them. It's incredibly sad that his social life, or rather: the illu…

I see how it might look like that, but you are missing a critical point. Everyone is different. What comes naturally to some doesn't come naturally to others. For a lot of people (me included) keeping in touch with others doesn't come "naturally". We miss contact, and yet we sheldom establish it. There are many reasons for this: poor time management skills, low self-esteem, simple lack of practice, etc. In any case,…

[deleted]

Re: A simple system I’m using to stay in touch with hundreds of people

#123

Post by scotty79 »

> Of course, not everyone publishes content or updates regularly. In that case, I usually just ask what they’ve been up to lately.

> You’d be surprised how many people are really happy to get these kinds of messages and they often spark all kinds of deeper conversations.

I had an acquaintance I barely had any common interests with that every few weeks out of the blue would ask me "what's up?". Not once did it lead to any value for me or him and just mildly annoyed me and made me less likely to cooperate if he ever needed help. I'd still help him, because I'm a helpful person but I'd have more mixed feelings about it than if he was just memory of last pleasant interaction from few years prior than fresh memory of scheduled networking/nagging.

I think if you can't personalize approach to provide value to that person with your interactions you should skip keeping in touch because you might be worse off.

Re: A simple system I’m using to stay in touch with hundreds of people

#124

Post by p_l »

TuLithu wrote: post #113

It never ceases to amaze me how computer programmers can take the simplest things and make them mind-numbingly complex. Oy ve (and yes, I'm a programmer)! But if it makes him happy, more power to him.

Some things are simple to some people - and cripplingly hard to others :/

Re: A simple system I’m using to stay in touch with hundreds of people

#125

Post by dskloet »

l33tbro wrote: post #115
dskloet wrote: post #110

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Why is it wrong to see a good friendship as very valuable?

Because valuing close friends through the lens of what personal gain they may yield is more than a little sociopathic?

Why? Happiness and valuable shared experiences are also gains.

Re: A simple system I’m using to stay in touch with hundreds of people

#126

Post by AussieWog93 »

MrYellowP wrote: post #5

So he's treating people like assets, not friends, and these assets need to be checked on on a regular basis. If there were friends, he'd not need to be reminded of contacting them. He'd miss contacting them. So instead he needs a tool to remind him of that "friend" he needs to contact, because pretending to care is beneficial. One might some day need them. It's incredibly sad that his social life, or rather: the illu…

>So instead he needs a tool to remind him of that "friend" he needs to contact, because pretending to care is beneficial. One might some day need them.

You've basically described every single family relationship ever.

You don't like catching up with them, and they don't like catching up with you, but you do it anyway because one day you might need a kidney or a ticket out of Warsaw.

Re: A simple system I’m using to stay in touch with hundreds of people

#127

Post by scotty79 »

MrYellowP wrote: post #5

So he's treating people like assets, not friends, and these assets need to be checked on on a regular basis. If there were friends, he'd not need to be reminded of contacting them. He'd miss contacting them. So instead he needs a tool to remind him of that "friend" he needs to contact, because pretending to care is beneficial. One might some day need them. It's incredibly sad that his social life, or rather: the illu…

> He'd miss contacting them.

I keep fond memories of nearly all people I know. I'd help them on the spot and have a pleasent conversarion if they contacted me.

Yet I never miss contacting people I know.

Re: A simple system I’m using to stay in touch with hundreds of people

#128

Post by mlatu »

MrYellowP wrote: post #5

So he's treating people like assets, not friends, and these assets need to be checked on on a regular basis. If there were friends, he'd not need to be reminded of contacting them. He'd miss contacting them. So instead he needs a tool to remind him of that "friend" he needs to contact, because pretending to care is beneficial. One might some day need them. It's incredibly sad that his social life, or rather: the illu…

Look, it's great you can handle your friends with ease.

It's really great your life didn't mess you up to a point where contacting people you would normally call friends induces anxiety.

Really, congratulations to your great and happy life.

Others have to rely on shitty tricks like these.

What are YOUR weaknesses then? What can YOU not handle without the help of technology? Please share so somebody can make fun of you too :D

OP: thanks for posting.

Re: A simple system I’m using to stay in touch with hundreds of people

#129

Post by afandian »

MrYellowP wrote: post #5

So he's treating people like assets, not friends, and these assets need to be checked on on a regular basis. If there were friends, he'd not need to be reminded of contacting them. He'd miss contacting them. So instead he needs a tool to remind him of that "friend" he needs to contact, because pretending to care is beneficial. One might some day need them. It's incredibly sad that his social life, or rather: the illu…

This comment comes across as arrogant. It's a privilege to have the spare time and energy to act on all of your intentions. You could apply the same argument to keeping to-do lists, storing people's phone numbers in your phone book, using facebook or having a birthday calendar etc.

Try having a child and see how close your ability to execute is with your principles!

Re: A simple system I’m using to stay in touch with hundreds of people

#130

Post by watwut »

peoplefromibiza wrote: post #100
otikik wrote: post #82

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I see how it might look like that, but you are missing a critical point. Everyone is different. What comes naturally to some doesn't come naturally to others. For a lot of people (me included) keeping in touch with others doesn't come "naturally". We miss contact, and yet we sheldom establish it. There are many reasons for this: poor time management skills, low self-esteem, simple lack of practice, etc. In any case,…

> We miss contact, and yet we sheldom establish it. That's me. that's why my friends are the ones who contact me. they are my reminder. if I start contacting them now, they would think I am going to die soon. > I see what this person is doing as a way to remove the friction and create a new habit It doesn't work like that though. It's not like using an alarm to wake up at a certain hour and suddenly you realize your…

The reality check is that people who do proactively contact others need to put effort into it. And if you are not willing to reciprocate, eventually they figure out it is not fair to them. They tend to eventually gravitate toward those that do put effort into it too.
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