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What If You Could Do It All Over?

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Re: What If You Could Do It All Over?

#121

Post by kodah »

AYBABTME wrote: post #106
kodah wrote: post #84

Much of my life hasn't played out how I expected. I had dreams like many people in high school and none of them came true. Instead of finishing college I joined the military after the stock market collapse in 2008/9. Impressions were left on me throughout my early life that I only came to know as an adult. My family got sick, I ruined the relationship that I'd worked for, and at times I alienated people close to me o…

I've had a very strangely similar path, however I still haven't given up on my teenage dreams: call me delusional! I like to think the military gave me the will strength to push until I get some (imperfect) version of what I want, and not let setbacks paint my forward outlook too much. I'd agree with your conclusion and encourage you to sell everything and go have fun.

I haven't given up, I'm still here, still working in software. I'm just doing it my way now, with some new priorities, I suppose. The military is a complex subject for me and my friends. There are good things I can say and there are awful things I can say. Regardless, I will always be proud of what I did and accomplished in that time. It makes me proud you've made something of post-service life though, veterans will always hold a special place in my mind.

Re: What If You Could Do It All Over?

#122

Post by jdsalaro »

mkr-hn wrote: post #101
jdsalaro wrote: post #81

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I agree, partially, I'm adamant about the fact that it's even more important to talk about successes, than failures. "Vicarious learning from the experiences of others saves making errors yourself, but I regard the study of successes as being basically more important than the studyof failures. As I will several times say, there are so many ways of being wrong and so few of being right, studying successes is more effi…

I've gotten a lot more out of studying failures. Especially other people's failures. People who are honest with themselves can warn you around the mistakes they made, but people who succeed rarely have much luck identifying which selection of choices got them there. I think the reason is that success is usually cumulative: each little win builds on the last until it's obvious you're going in the right direction. Thos…

I'm torn about your comment.

In principle, I agree with the fact that studying failures teaches one more, whether more is better when it comes to learning stands to be discussed, however.

What I mean by this is that, although you may profit from your parents sharing a plethora of don't-dos such as avoiding drugs, staying away from toxic relationships, not dwelling on your insecurities, et cetera, having regular abstract conversations about how "thinking deeply about my predicament, my objectives and how to reach them despite the former" might be much more useful to you.

In short, the first approach teaches you, potentially, numerous, isolated lessons about specific circumstances you will likely never face. Yes, you certainly learned more things, but whether those things will be useful to you, particularly, is unclear and only time can tell.

If you and your parents, however, have a thorough discussion about what allowed them to lead a happy life, as in the second scenario, both pushing and pulling, trying to discover what it really was and looking to find consensus regarding attitudes, processes, ideas, roadblocks, etc, you might learn a framework what will be useful forever, regardless of the concrete circumstances you are faced with.

Nevertheless, this comment of yours is spot on:

> people who succeed rarely have much luck identifying which selection of choices got them there.

Therefore, I really emphasize that not only the mentor should share the reasons and methods behind their success, the listener must be able to understand why and whether they were as useful as the mentor portrays them.

Re: What If You Could Do It All Over?

#124

Post by User23 »

throwaway189262 wrote: post #43
quickthrower2 wrote: post #17

It’s worth thinking about how we measure how “good” a life is and if that is superficial and too much influenced by fashion. For example the cliche is go travelling or get rich starting a business. “I raised kids” doesn’t have the same boastworthyness in a lot of circles, but arguably it’s more interesting. Or maybe not. What’s the life well lived metric?

Raising kids is the "default" choice. More than 50% of people do it. Getting rich or traveling for your life are much rarer, hence more interesting Edit: ah yes downvotes. Think about it this way. You meet someone with 6 fingers on each hand, kinda interesting right? Minutes later you meet someone with 5 fingers, also interesting?

Raising kids is what every single one of your ancestors did. It’s entirely orthogonal to those other things.

Re: What If You Could Do It All Over?

#125

Post by kodah »

bonoboTP wrote: post #110
kodah wrote: post #105

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Not all software engineers make this much, just in select areas FYI.

Sure, but it's enough for "quite good" food, living space and entertainment. We're arguing about status here, so when you're satisfied with the money but not with the status.

I think there's a lot more to it than status, but I do see your point.

Re: What If You Could Do It All Over?

#127

Post by dave_sid »

cprayingmantis wrote: post #108
Haul4ss wrote: post #23

You can't, so don't bother thinking about it. You can make changes today that will pay dividends in 10 years, so maybe focus on that instead. I was widowed pretty young (as widowers go), so I have done my share of playing the what-if game with the past. Ultimately it is not a productive exercise, and I try not to do it. If I catch myself dwelling in unlived lives, I try to refocus on the one still in front of me.

Agreed. I did give a considerable amount of time to thinking about the what-if scenarios one day and when I looked down those other paths of what might have been I realized I would have to give up something I had come to love to pursue those. Who I am may not be the best but I made these choices. I can't travel to past to berate that version of me. If I'm dissatisfied it's up to me to change that for future me.

Any alternative choices I could have made in my youth would have prevented me from having the children I have now, so there’s no significant decision I would ever like to change.

Re: What If You Could Do It All Over?

#128

Post by Apocryphon »

WalterBright wrote: post #49

It's a popular fantasy. See "Replay" by Ken Grimwood. Or all those endless movies where someone gets to do high school over again, like "Peggy Sue Got Married". Or even "Groundhog Day". "A Christmas Carol". "It's a Wonderful Life". And on and on.

Palm Springs came out on Hulu this year and continues in that mold.

I do think certain scenarios like Replay or Groundhog Day accord additional advantages because the relived lives stack up, and one’s knowledge, even mastery, accumulate.

Re: What If You Could Do It All Over?

#129

Post by Apocryphon »

aazaa wrote: post #60

> It’s likely, Miller thinks, that capitalism, “with its isolation of individuals and its accelerating generation of choices and chances,” has increased the number of our unlived lives. “The elevation of choice as an absolute good, the experience of chance as a strange affront, the increasing number of exciting, stultifying decisions we must make, the review of the past to improve future outcomes”—all these “feed the…

Kierkegaard said that anxiety is the dizziness of freedom.

Re: What If You Could Do It All Over?

#130

Post by manwe150 »

throwaway189262 wrote: post #43
quickthrower2 wrote: post #17

It’s worth thinking about how we measure how “good” a life is and if that is superficial and too much influenced by fashion. For example the cliche is go travelling or get rich starting a business. “I raised kids” doesn’t have the same boastworthyness in a lot of circles, but arguably it’s more interesting. Or maybe not. What’s the life well lived metric?

Raising kids is the "default" choice. More than 50% of people do it. Getting rich or traveling for your life are much rarer, hence more interesting Edit: ah yes downvotes. Think about it this way. You meet someone with 6 fingers on each hand, kinda interesting right? Minutes later you meet someone with 5 fingers, also interesting?

Having kids? Probably not. Raising them? Probably yes. Same with fingers: having them is more interesting if they can do something novel with them (say, play an instrument). But this being HN, I know plenty of people that travel a lot (no idea if that’s typical).
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