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Being kind to others is good for your health

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Re: Being kind to others is good for your health

#121

Post by atum47 »

yudlejoza wrote: post #39
atum47 wrote: post #10

in theory this looks good. reality is a bit different. I constantly have problems with my left and right neighbor (middle of pandemic and this a hole is doing a barbecue with loud music since yesterday) about their lack of consideration (this in my parents house, where I am right now). In my apartment is no different... loud music, stumping on the floor... that kind of problem you have on a building. my father have a…

There's no recovery from BNS (bad neighbor situation) in my opinion. I see that as a point of no return. The only sane outcome is, one of the two parties bailing out. BNS doesn't mean it only happens between neighbors, just that that's what it feels like even if it happens between two parties that are not necessarily neighbors, e.g., two coworkers, two classmates, two CEOs of rival corporations. The list is endless.…

I was living in a big city when the lockdown was enforced by the company I was working at (at the time) so I decided to spend that time with my parents (cause I could at least help them with anything). I came home to discover the neighbor was fabricating furniture in his backyard (both of our houses have a large backyard). He would work until midnight sometimes, with no acoustic treatment on his improvised factory. I went by his house and talk to him. Explained that I was also working at home and the noise was too much. Long story short, I had to call city hall to resolve the situation. This is the same ahole I mentioned.

I'm a pretty reasonable guy. I can put myself in others shoes. But when I notice that people don't retribute, I tend to act. My father put up with a lot of things (trying to be a better person) that I don't.

Re: Being kind to others is good for your health

#122

Post by dukeyukey »

momokoko wrote: post #105
morlockabove wrote: post #99

Earlier quoted context omitted.

In europe, the surrounding countries are your equivalent to the different states in the us

That isn’t really accurate. There is much more diversity in individual states depending on where you are than in most European countries. That statement is kind of what I mean. I don’t think most people outside, and to some extent inside the US, appreciate how much diversity of culture exists in the US.

I think morlockabove meant that thanks to the size of the US, the density of different cultures in many orders of magnitude higher in Europe than the US. Th cultural difference between Texans, Washingtonians and a New Hampshireite is minuscule compared to France and Germany, let alone France and somewhere like Estonia.

Re: Being kind to others is good for your health

#123

Post by galeaspablo »

swat535 wrote: post #111
ChrisMarshallNY wrote: post #49

The only issue that I have, is that so many people (in my industry/nation/orbit) mistake kindness for weakness. I live in New York, which has a basic culture of "hyper aggressiveness." It isn't "rudeness," as so many people like to think of New Yorkers. They can be aggressively kind and generous. They are just aggressive. I'm also in the tech industry, which seems to have a very aggressive and competitive culture. It…

You can be kind and not be a doormat. This takes practice and experience but the gist of it here is that you have establish and understand boundaries. Kindness is giving someone a helping hand when they need it, but not going overboard and letting them take advantage of you over and over again. In my experience, the less you let vampires suck out your energy, the more you'll be able to give to people and the way to t…

This resonates. Executed correctly, kindness is not mutually exclusive from assertiveness.

E.g. It is possible to make a complaint at a restaurant in a factual way and with a smile.

E.g.2. Giving hard feedback with a smile, and constructively.

It comes down to empathy, and the basic rule of treating others as we wish to be treated.

Re: Being kind to others is good for your health

#124

Post by dqv »

SMAAART wrote: post #43

Well, yes, no, and maybe. It depends on the giver and on the receiver; and therefore how healthy the relationship/exchange is. Let me explain: * if the receiver is a narcissist/sociopath, for starter they won't value the "gift" received, nothing will ever be enough, and they always seem to attract plenty fo givers * if the giver had the disease to please whereas their own worth is depended on being told "good job" or…

OK thank you. I'm glad I'm not the only one who immediately realized that kindness is very easily exploited by the wrong people.

I find it grating because my disposition of being kind gets me in situations where people try to exploit their perception of my kindness. There is this implication of "so you want me to think you're nice? well do this for me and I will." When it turns transactional like that - where their assumption is that I'm being kind to get something (because maybe that's how they interact - by being kind to get things), I feel like I have no choice but to switch to a very serious tone. Then comes the "you're not being very nice" which is the intent: I don't want them to think I'm being nice for personal gain. This is all very cynical and I really need to work on it, but it's a knee jerk response to what seems like slimy behavior.

>1. Help yourself

>2. Climb a mountain, tell nobody

>3. More suffering is needed

>4. The enemy is a wonderful teacher

I love wisdom like this - is there anything that talks about this in depth or is it more of a proverb only?

Re: Being kind to others is good for your health

#126

Post by chefandy »

bitexploder wrote: post #102
ChrisMarshallNY wrote: post #49

The only issue that I have, is that so many people (in my industry/nation/orbit) mistake kindness for weakness. I live in New York, which has a basic culture of "hyper aggressiveness." It isn't "rudeness," as so many people like to think of New Yorkers. They can be aggressively kind and generous. They are just aggressive. I'm also in the tech industry, which seems to have a very aggressive and competitive culture. It…

I tend to be very direct day to day. I think kindness doesn’t have to be in personal interactions, especially in a business context. I’m perfectly polite, but also very honest. I still use empathy to understand where people are coming from. You have to learn to give unconditionally without becoming a doormat. It’s tricky. I think you have to be purposeful with how you give to others. I also help people out and do my…

>I think kindness doesn’t have to be in personal interactions, especially in a business context. I’m perfectly polite, but also very honest.

To be frank, I find the ratio of people who actually do that to people who think they do that but are really using it as an excuse for not exercising their interpersonal skills is 1:1000. I've known many people that called themselves brutally honest, but with the exception of one particular manager I can recall, it always ended up being an excuse to feel powerful by shocking people with a brazen lack of tact while the truth of the statement, even if occasionally beneficial, was incidental.

Who knows... maybe you're the 1 out of the 1000. The tone of what you wrote sounds more reasonable than what many others have expressed in that vein, so I'm inclined to think so, but it'a hard to tell without having universally accepted bounds to words like kindness, politeness, and honesty. That said, doing good deeds and not directly insulting people we deal with doesn't absolve us from a the basic social necessity to treat other people with compassion and humanity. For that reason, whenever I encounter anyone that touts their honesty at the expense of kindness, I generally consider it a tacit admission that they have some serious work to do on their interpersonal skills and don't realize it.

Re: Being kind to others is good for your health

#127

Post by gumby »

ChrisMarshallNY wrote: post #49

The only issue that I have, is that so many people (in my industry/nation/orbit) mistake kindness for weakness. I live in New York, which has a basic culture of "hyper aggressiveness." It isn't "rudeness," as so many people like to think of New Yorkers. They can be aggressively kind and generous. They are just aggressive. I'm also in the tech industry, which seems to have a very aggressive and competitive culture. It…

I have lived in NY, and my partner was born and grew up in NY, and I find New Yorkers pretty friendly, especially when compared to other cities around the world I've lived in (all of which have had their share of friendly folk). I think you have to be friendly to live cheek by jowl with so many. However New Yorkers are brisk.

The tech industry has definitely become more aggressive over the last 20 years. I credit it to the people who decided they should join it because there is a lot of money to be made, when before it was mostly people who liked technology.

And for that latter point: I consider an aggressive attitude a sign of fear (perhaps a consequence of a kind of imposter syndrome?). Generally I pity the mean people.

Re: Being kind to others is good for your health

#128

Post by tux »

Be kind to everyone and it will return to you ten fold. It is what worked for me personally and I will continue doing it. Anyone who says that been kind is a weakness, just don't know what been kind really means. Happy holidays everyone!

Re: Being kind to others is good for your health

#129

Post by dv35z »

AndrewUnmuted wrote: post #52
ChrisMarshallNY wrote: post #49

The only issue that I have, is that so many people (in my industry/nation/orbit) mistake kindness for weakness. I live in New York, which has a basic culture of "hyper aggressiveness." It isn't "rudeness," as so many people like to think of New Yorkers. They can be aggressively kind and generous. They are just aggressive. I'm also in the tech industry, which seems to have a very aggressive and competitive culture. It…

> It isn't "rudeness," as so many people like to think of New Yorkers. I've always suspected the perceived "rudeness" comes not from the residents of New York, but rather the people from neighboring locations that commute into New York for work. New Jersey, I'm lookin' at you.

I tend to agree with this (lived in NYC 13 years) - a lot of the rudest people are the folks to treat NYC as a transient place. That said - these people bring out the aggressiveness in the die hard New Yorkers, which creates a feedback loop... When you live in a densely packed place, it’s hard to find your peace. What happens, is that you experience one stress, unleash it somewhere else, which transfers it to more people, etc. The daily subway commute is a toss-up whether you will have a wonderful morning- get a seat, headphones, read a book, smiles from a stranger... or, barely making the train, getting smashed into a train full of angry, rained-on people, 2 strangers screaming at each other, your blood boiling inside. It’s hard to not accidentally “transmit” that stressed, anxious, distrusting feeling to the next people you interact with, further contributing to the perception that “new yorkers are rude”

Re: Being kind to others is good for your health

#130

Post by momokoko »

dukeyukey wrote: post #122
momokoko wrote: post #105

Earlier quoted context omitted.

That isn’t really accurate. There is much more diversity in individual states depending on where you are than in most European countries. That statement is kind of what I mean. I don’t think most people outside, and to some extent inside the US, appreciate how much diversity of culture exists in the US.

I think morlockabove meant that thanks to the size of the US, the density of different cultures in many orders of magnitude higher in Europe than the US. Th cultural difference between Texans, Washingtonians and a New Hampshireite is minuscule compared to France and Germany, let alone France and somewhere like Estonia.

I believe it misses the fact that there are very different cultures within Washington or Texas. For example, Austin is very different from Houston and even north Houston is very different from south Houston.

Eastern Washington is completely different culturally than western Washington(Seattle etc).

No where else in the world has the massive amount of diversity that the US does at the scale of the US. It’s not even close anywhere else so it is difficult for both US residents and people of other countries to fully comprehend.

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