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Help me ask why you didn't just

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Re: Help me ask why you didn't just

#121

Post by Ma8ee »

Dylan16807 wrote: post #116
lostdog wrote: post #15

"What was your reason for not using sshd?" That's my go-to phrase. It implies that I am looking to be educated, and not that I think they messed up.

It also makes them look like a giant idiot if they actually made a mistake by not considering it. Maybe not the best thing to risk.

But that is kind of unavoidable. When I do screw up, I rather find out by an honest question, where I can be the one answering, "duh, I should have thought of that!", instead of gradually realising that the only one that doesn't know that I'm wasting my time is I.

Re: Help me ask why you didn't just

#122

Post by ajna91 »

teekert wrote: post #119

I would feel offended if anyone would feel the need to go easy on me, just say what you think. And if you are right I will be eternally grateful for being taught a new efficient trick. Do I look like such a weak person to you that you feel like you have to handle my self esteem with silk gloves? Thanks for the insult. And what is it with this 2 intentions? The third is the obvious correct one where I'm not familiar w…

I agree. Especially face to face worrying about this kind of thing seems unhealthy.

However, I can see that in text conversations the chance for misunderstanding can be much higher.

Re: Help me ask why you didn't just

#123

Post by mkesper »

The more self-effacing I make it, the more I try to put in that I think the trouble is only in my own understanding, the more mocking and sarcastic it seems to me and the more likely I think it is to be misinterpreted.

I think this a textbook example of the four sides communication model https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Four-sides_model

Re: Help me ask why you didn't just

#124

Post by kevsim »

twotwotwo wrote: post #96

It's not only a phrasing thing. The revised phrasings are better, but if someone's spent "a week or a month or maybe years" on a problem, consider asking what they think are the tricky tradeoffs and so on and give them a minute or a few sentences or an email or whatever to tell you before you launch into anything about your idea. Not for politeness, but because if they're knee-deep in the problem they probably learne…

Completely agree. All of the phrasings he proposes presuppose that the thing he's suggesting makes any sense at all. Why not let the person take you through the design/thought process and then, and only then, if you're still left wondering why they didn't do X, ask. I guess in many cases you'll hear the reason why they didn't pick it while they're taking you through their thought process.

Re: Help me ask why you didn't just

#126

Post by arberavdullahu »

hjorthjort wrote: post #118

The final suggestions are good, much better than "why didn't you just". The problem comes when your initial thought is actually a good idea, and your colleague could actually have saved some time. This happens a lot in the interaction between senior and junior engineers. For those situations, it's not great to be asking for an explanation on the spot, because then the explanation is just "I'm an idiot/ignorant of tha…

In interaction between senior and junior engineers those type of question are made often and juniors should take it as how to grow themselves, but I agree with you that asking about their decision first would make the discussion better.

Re: Help me ask why you didn't just

#127

Post by JMTQp8lwXL »

isidor3 wrote: post #55

My go-to would be "Do you know if sshd would work?" To me, framing it directly as a knowledge question, and to not appear as if you're coming from a place of authority (unless you know both their problem and your solution both well enough to solve it without running into edge cases, and how often does that happen?). They either know or they don't, or potentially have a reason for not trying in the first place. If the…

Why not also explain why you think sshd could work, though? The recipient might not understand the connection you're trying to make between the proposed solution and their problem.

Re: Help me ask why you didn't just

#128

Post by ups101 »

Shortest version: "Could you use X?"

Three advantages: First, studies show people like to say no more than yes. This fits a no, perfect for the knee-jerk denial, but most would follow up with a reason. As the reason is formulated, one may realise the initial assumption is wrong. However, at this point the person is discussing with himself. This is exactly what you want: The asker is out of the picture; the parades are down.

Second, an answer in the negative does not reflect poorly on the asker, as the question does not speak to preference. He may already be inclined towards a no, but just want the reason for X not being the better choice. Hence, less chance for a follow-up justification leading to a discussion.

Third, it merely establishes if X is feasible. Higher chance of finding common ground when discussing feasibility without preference.

Lastly, it doesn't get much shorter than this. Less words is less skin in the game.

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