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Interested in improving your relationships? Try Nonviolent Communication

clearerthinking.org

121–130 of 355 posts

Re: Interested in improving your relationships? Try Nonviolent Communication

#121

I've read "Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life" and found it helpful in personal & work communication. I _hate_ the name, though. I don't want to suggest to someone that they read about non-violent communication because that suggests they're being violent when they're not. I'd prefer almost any other name. Some better names: "observational communication", "non-judgmental communication", "empathetic communica…

I like Fred Kofman’s Verbal Aikido.

https://youtu.be/O6N9nvk8bvE

Re: Interested in improving your relationships? Try Nonviolent Communication

#122
post #90

Earlier quoted context omitted.

As a math student considering a teaching career, I recently took a course on math education taught by a retired high school math teacher. One of the things she placed a heavy emphasis on was our questioning techniques and classroom management strategies. Every single one of the non-violent communication strategies you listed from the article were specifically singled out as things we should never say when asking ques…

NVC shouldn’t be practiced in uneven relationships (teacher - student, parent - child, employer - employee, customer - server) for the exact reason mentioned by GP. It’s simultaneously condescending and confusing to the party with less power, inviting them to test what leverage they can gain - usually none.

The article acknowledges this point, albeit somewhat indirectly:

>We think it's important to note that NVC should only be used in situations where people have each other's best interests at heart

Re: Interested in improving your relationships? Try Nonviolent Communication

#123
post #90
post #86

Nonviolent communication comes up on HN every few months and it's always the same praises and criticisms. I've been on the receiving end of NVC quite a few times in my career, and every single time it comes off as patronizing bullshit. I'd rather people yell at me than couch everything in, "I feel X" or "Would you be willing to Y". When important things must be done well, do you think this sort of language is used? O…

As a math student considering a teaching career, I recently took a course on math education taught by a retired high school math teacher. One of the things she placed a heavy emphasis on was our questioning techniques and classroom management strategies. Every single one of the non-violent communication strategies you listed from the article were specifically singled out as things we should never say when asking ques…

Uh-oh, I think I might be doing this (as a college lecturer). Do you have some references, or some examples of how this might arise in a classroom?

Re: Interested in improving your relationships? Try Nonviolent Communication

#124
I’ve been in a workplace where we supposedly followed this. It was often used as a veil for passive aggressive toxicity. There was a lot wrong with that place, and this certainly isn’t the cause of it, but I’ve seen this used as a weapon to do some really shady stuff in the workplace.

Re: Interested in improving your relationships? Try Nonviolent Communication

#126
post #38
post #12

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> We all kind of rolled our eyes and went along with the exercise. I now use it to great effect almost daily in both personal and professional relationships. Reactions like that tell me once again that a lot of people really underestimate simple stuff like this. I hope that in the future simple and useful psychology topics will find their way into our schools so that the acceptance and understanding for the usefulnes…

Reactions like this tell me people despise corporate indoctrination.

[deleted]

Re: Interested in improving your relationships? Try Nonviolent Communication

#128

Kevin Hale, at startupschool 2019, spoke in length on How to Work Together [0]. Key points aside from non-violent communication were, everyone fights, but when you fight, stay away from these four horsemen [1]: 1. Criticism : Involves bringing in variety or unrelated issues to the discussion / argument. Focus on the one thing that needs resolution. 2. Contempt : Argumentum ad hominem. Intention to insult, making thin…

This kind of pseudo-psychoanalytic approach to dialectic is always left wanting when contrasted with cold hard logic and evidence. Criticism is not bad, but is inherent to any sort of give-and-take discussion framework, and especially to the unequal manager-employee relationships that HN has projected onto this thread; we should be wary of advice given by people who cannot take it. Ultimately, we cannot take full responsibility for how an argument will be received; we might try our best to tailor the argument to the listener, but we can never guarantee that we'll bridge the communication gap. Frankly, these situations make me doubt whether there's any point to looking for insights about language in these sorts of ventures, as all I can see are ways to divest responsibility while holding onto power.

For example, I think that we should always have "Level 3 conversations". Anything less sounds horribly thoughtless and automatic. And having them one-on-one is the worst possible way to have them, since one-on-one conversations are when individual charisma is at its strongest and most reality-bending.

Re: Interested in improving your relationships? Try Nonviolent Communication

#130

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I tend to agree with this. I struggle with non-violent communication. All the violence I've experienced in communication has been high social skill people passive aggressively using "appropriate channels" and "emotional intelligence" to harm me. I tend to prefer directness whether it's up or down the power ladder, and yet the trend is away from that overall. It's sort of minority rule too, where most people prefer di…

NVC is a framework for direct communication. To quote the article: 1. Observe Facts - observe the specific facts that are affecting our wellbeing, and bring them up with the other person 2. Note Feelings - introspect about what exactly we are feeling in response to what we've observed, and communicate these feelings 3. Uncover Desires - figure out the desires, wants and values that are creating our feelings, and expl…

You're describing an algorithm, albeit an informal one. The problem is that there is no general algorithm for social skills, which means that this algorithm is useless in the general case. Now, if one treats your listed points as a set of heuristics rather than an algorithm and then perceptively applies them to a given social interaction, they probably will be useful. But, of course, the ability to do that is exactly the same thing as having social skills. This explains why it strikes many people as both patronizing and unhelpful: because it is.
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