Ask HN: When you feel stuck in life

When I was 28, I had a specific dream (starting a business) but was afraid of the risk. In your case, its not clear to me if you have a dream but don't know how to get there, or if you wish you had a big dream, but aren't sure what it would be. My advice applies more to the former than the latter.

My advice would be:

1. If you are really dissatisfied with your job, look for a way to shake things up. I left my good job to go to business school, then quit after a few months when I realized I'd learn more by trying to start a business. Business school wasn't the answer, but I wouldn't have quit the job directly, so it facilitated things. Its hard to know in advance what will work, but if you are stuck, try something new.

2. Keep your eyes open for opportunities. The business I started was related to experience and contacts from my previous employer.

3. As soon as possible is the best time to take risks and make changes. It won't be any easier to take risks as you add in more responsibilities (house, kids, etc).

4. Do your best at whatever you are doing, but don't worry too much if your plans don't work out exactly as you thought. I thought I wanted to be an industry titan. That was not in the cards. However, once I had kids, it turned out what I wanted was a really flexible schedule. In retrospect, if I was an industry titan, I suspect I would be looking for the exit (actually, given my skill set, I probably would have been shown the exit).

I obviously don't know you, or much about you. But in my case, shaking things up to pursue my dream really worked out well, FWIW.

My favorite quote from a Dennis Leary standup and I think his best recorded routine.

“Happiness comes in small doses folks. It's a cigarette butt, or a chocolate chip cookie or a five second orgasm. You come, you smoke the butt you eat the cookie you go to sleep wake up and go back to fucking work the next morning, THAT'S IT! End of fucking list! ”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ffrOovd741s

I guess he's saying it's the little things.

When you feel deeply happy, what are you doing? What things matter to you so much that they drive you do work more than anything else?

I dropped out of the EECS program at Berkeley because I felt like you did doing those studies, but found so much joy and meaning working with children, in my student job as an child care center teacher's assistant, as a summer camp counselor for inner city Oakland kids, as a nanny for one year for a newborn and her one year-old brother. I was determined to go into early childhood education, to make education better.

I went abroad, got sidetracked, got married, came back to the states in the middle of the first Dot Com boom, gut sucked into a coding gig, rose rapidly, made lots of money, but found myself feeling oh so empty again. I finally quit it all. I've been working on some non-profit projects, which feel meaningful to me, but still something missing. So I started volunteering to work with kids. It's been great. Now I'm looking to work with some of New York's 50,000 homeless kids. I'll do it for minimum wage if that is all I get. But I will be happy. Hopefully I make a bunch of kids happy along the way.

(1) pay debt. Pay rent. eat. exercise. this is self-care stuff. It's foundational to well-being. Fail at it, and you're going to be getting into serious problems.

(2) While you're managing self-care, focus on the vector you're going. Where do you want it to go? Not where do your parents want, your elders want, your friends what. What do you, the individual want? Write it down. Consider the regularly for, say, 4-6 months. I.e., enough time to cycle through personal emotional states. Ask yourself if what you want conflicts with your self. It's not always going to be coherent. Then start setting your hand to that in your free time.

If what you genuinely want is to conform, or to not, to be family-oriented, or not: that's generally okay.

Some things to consider doing and learning, while you quest for finding yourself occurs:

- Religion is traditionally the touchstone for meaning and making sense for humanity. While atheism is a rising tide, it doesn't cohere at all with humanity's history. You should engage with religious beliefs. I am a Christian and would advise to look here first ( ;-) ); there's also, in my opinion, a lot of wisdom in Judiaism and Zen Buddism. As a subpoint, a pastor/priest/rabbi is, theoretically, a specialist in answering "what is the point of it all".

- In the West, philosophy started as a non-theistic set of questions about what constituted good, the good life, etc. You might find Socrates to be an excellent read. IMO most of Western philosophy has been spent responding to Socrates in some form - he started the conversation.

- Spend time outside; not exercising, but existing in the natural world. National forests etc. This is the substrate where civilization has been embedded. It matters, deeply.

- Start a few food plants in pots and tend to them; eat the produce. Learn about them. The cycles of nature underpin our bodies and our minds.

- Take up an art - music, painting, sculpture, etc. Spend time learning about traditional art and its history. Art is one of the few timeless things in history. Lives are poured out here; it's well to understand it.

- Spend time with your parents and extended, if possible. Most people derive at least some meaning from family. If you have siblings on speaking terms, now is a good time to strengthen your relationship.

- If you have a SO, I'd advise holding off on a kid. Get your head straightened out a bit before giving the kid your problems. :-S

- School is best considered as a means to an end. Loans are murder on choices, since they force you to choose high-paying jobs and limit your ability to do risk.