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Overcoming the friendship recession

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Re: Overcoming the friendship recession

#111

Post by lynx97 »

dangond wrote: post #32
lynx97 wrote: post #11

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Remember the old IRC rule? "Don't ask to ask, just ask."

"Don't ask to ask, just ask" is great in general, but if I tell someone this, I'm not trying to schedule a single call. It's more asking for permission to call whenever. Depending on who you and your friends are, it can be necessary to give this heads-up at least once so that, as another user put it, they don't get a panic attack from an unexpected phone call. As an older Gen Z, it feels like no one my age really cal…

No, I don't need something like that to establish anything. My friends are relatively sane it appears. Neither do I expect such a behaviour from anyone. I have a phone, feature of that is you can call me. Complaining about that is weird. If you don't want calls, turn the thing off... But yeah, I realize in other parts of the world, there seem to be different "rules". However, still very weird to me.

Re: Overcoming the friendship recession

#112

Post by exe34 »

billfor wrote: post #99
sph wrote: post #45

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Have you ever seen those videos filming London streets in the 1970s? They are absolutely packed with groups of two or three people, not going places, but just standing there, chatting, as if they have nowhere else to be. It is something most of us have never experienced in any form and the change has happened over long enough timescales that we are used to our streets of strangers just going about their lives, the ex…

[flagged]

By this logic, people should still be hanging out in the streets in all those villages where the master race dominates. And yet, we still only observe the bums and the retired hanging out with a day to fill. Any idea how that impacts your hypothesis?

Re: Overcoming the friendship recession

#113

Post by nineteen999 »

I've never made a lasting connection with anyone I've met online. Not once. It's not that I didn't hang around on BBS's and IRC when I was younger, I did. And I did meet people from there IRL, but no friendships formed. The whole concept just seemed (and still seems) alien to me.

But I did have a point after the end of a 12 year relationship ended, around the time of the pandemic and lockdowns when I realised most of my old IRL friendships hadn't gone ... but those people had moved away, and we didn't talk as much any more.

I still have old friendships with high school friends, old girlfriends, old friends from bands I played in from years past. But about a year ago in a particularly lonely and tragic period I started a pub trivia group on an unnamed IRL meetup platform, which has grown to over 300 members in less than a year (guessing a lot of those are bot accounts).

About half a dozen core members that come to play trivia at the pub almost every week, and then another 10-20 that attend less regularly, rotating in and out. It can be hard work to build yourself a new social group, but it can be done, and I now consider I have some good friends that come out of it and there are friendships forming between members of the group as well.

At 50 years of age, they're not the kind of friendships that I would count on to last forever, but they're there, people to chat with sometimes, people to catch up with for the odd drink or to go out dancing with. It can be done. And I'm much better off for it.

Re: Overcoming the friendship recession

#114

Post by unixhero »

Zealotux wrote: post #25

I live in Barcelona, and during last year’s blackout I wandered through the city. As I passed by the Baix Guinardó gardens, I came across something that felt like a "A Sunday Afternoon on the Island of La Grande Jatte" brought to life: the park was full of families socialising the old way, children running everywhere, the whole place buzzing with chatter and energy. Later that day, walking home through darkened stree…

What last years blackout in Barcelona???

Barcelona has an extremely well oiled social scene.

Re: Overcoming the friendship recession

#115

Post by Zealotux »

unixhero wrote: post #114
Zealotux wrote: post #25

I live in Barcelona, and during last year’s blackout I wandered through the city. As I passed by the Baix Guinardó gardens, I came across something that felt like a "A Sunday Afternoon on the Island of La Grande Jatte" brought to life: the park was full of families socialising the old way, children running everywhere, the whole place buzzing with chatter and energy. Later that day, walking home through darkened stree…

What last years blackout in Barcelona??? Barcelona has an extremely well oiled social scene.

Look up "2025 Iberian Peninsula blackout", the whole of Spain and Portugal had no electricity for a whole day.

Re: Overcoming the friendship recession

#116

Post by unixhero »

momentary wrote: post #97

I'm surprised that this article that has so much of an AI smell gets such a positive reception. I thought HN didn't go in for AI slop? I suspect that this kind of thing has people feeling more alienated than ever, what with even the articles online lacking any level of human connection.

I for one am here to talk about how to get friends. I didn't read the article. The comments is the content.

Re: Overcoming the friendship recession

#117

Post by graemep »

billfor wrote: post #99
sph wrote: post #45

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Have you ever seen those videos filming London streets in the 1970s? They are absolutely packed with groups of two or three people, not going places, but just standing there, chatting, as if they have nowhere else to be. It is something most of us have never experienced in any form and the change has happened over long enough timescales that we are used to our streets of strangers just going about their lives, the ex…

[flagged]

You are conflating skin colour and culture. A non-white immigrant who speaks fluent English, and is from a country with a common law legal system and British influenced culture can integrate far better than someone from a European country who does not speak good English. There are more people in London whose "main" language is Romanian, Spanish or Polish than any other languages.

https://data.london.gov.uk/download/vqlo7/c3df8c46-b070-439c...

Only 4% do not speak English well. London has had a large foreign born population and a lot of immigration for a long time and was fine in the 1990s so i doubt things have changed as much as you think in recent years.

Re: Overcoming the friendship recession

#118

Post by graemep »

dingaling wrote: post #65
tkfoss wrote: post #59

Earlier quoted context omitted.

In the past 3 years I got married and got a kid. Both mine and my wifes social situation went 180, and now we are one of those couples you saw in the park. The kids and kid problems become new shared interest, you meet bunch of people, with similar shared experience, and you end up connecting on other fronts as well. eg - I m in high rise, parking next to an interesting winter beater every day for 2 years, and now I…

You are very fortunate. When I took a career break to become daddy-day-care for our child I went to "Parents & Toddlers" groups and found them unwelcoming and suspicious. Going back to work was a relief, because I was able to actually talk to adults without feeling that they were judging my reasons for being there.

That is pretty nasty of them and horribly sexist.

However, you were not daddy day care, you were being a parent. if you were a woman would you call it mummy-day-care?

On top of that, is looking after your child a substitute for day care rather than vice-versa?

Re: Overcoming the friendship recession

#119

Post by ikr678 »

majora2007 wrote: post #31
baby wrote: post #21

Really good post! My own thoughts: - making new friends does take a massive amount of time, not just in finding friends but also in spending time with them until you can call them long-time friends - so you need to invest time in hanging out with people! Even when you don’t know what to say to them or when it’s awkward or when you’re not sure if you like them much. We weren’t picky when we were kids making friends, w…

idk about a house party once a week, but I do like the idea of having my friends invite their other friends. As I age, it becomes harder to find new friends just by happenstance. Friends of Friends usually end up becoming friends after meeting them.

It doesn't have to be a whole-ass house party, but a good low effort method is picking a tv series, putting out some snacks and watching an episode at the same time every week with an open door policy.

Re: Overcoming the friendship recession

#120

Post by graemep »

acdha wrote: post #94
sph wrote: post #45

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Have you ever seen those videos filming London streets in the 1970s? They are absolutely packed with groups of two or three people, not going places, but just standing there, chatting, as if they have nowhere else to be. It is something most of us have never experienced in any form and the change has happened over long enough timescales that we are used to our streets of strangers just going about their lives, the ex…

I think a lot of it comes back to cars: many people traded longer commutes for suburban houses, which has advantages but comes at the cost of not having much to do without driving somewhere and less free time around other people. This is especially bad for parents when they don’t feel comfortable letting their kids walk / bike around the neighborhood since that means more time spent playing chauffeur.

London in the 70s (which GP was talking about) already had long commutes (large suburbs and lots of commuter towns) and most households had cars. Roads are much safer and public transport is good so kids can get around by themselves.

One big difference is that more women work: stay at home mums used to strengthen communities - doing voluntary work, organising things. Now that is mostly done by retired people so the pool is smaller and fewer households have someone directly involved. Another way to look at it is that the working hours for a similar household has increased greatly so the household as a whole has less time to contribute to the community.

Another factor is that people move around more. Again, very noticeable in London where a lot of people have moved out because of high house prices. People do not near people they grew up with.

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