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Maybe you’re not trying

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Re: Maybe you’re not trying

#111

Post by ChrisMarshallNY »

dahart wrote: post #110
ChrisMarshallNY wrote: post #49

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I am not competitive. That's a deliberate stance, and one that I've held for decades. It does contribute to the fact that I haven't achieved greatness, but I have no regrets, and haven't done badly, despite that. It's not weakness, as some folks have found out, over the years. When I "win," then someone else "loses." I have a problem with that.

> When I “win”, the someone else “loses.” Why do you say that? What kinds of “greatness” are you thinking about? Does that mean money, or fame? Why does someone have to lose? I’m also a bit allergic to competition, but I want to respectfully disagree with this idea that greatness is somehow zero-sum. There’s an enormous number of ways you can “win” without someone else losing anything, so much so that non-competitive…

Yeah, I agree.

I guess that I term it in the value system represented by a majority of folks, hereabouts.

In my own universe, I drew the golden ticket.

Re: Maybe you’re not trying

#112

Post by nicbou »

BeFlatXIII wrote: post #96
nicbou wrote: post #55

Great post! I find that this happens when I want to do something The Right Way, but don’t have a clear path, nor the energy to figure one out. For example I want a nice winter wardrobe, but first I have to figure out what I like, what is trendy, where to buy it, what will suit the weather. I am wholly unprepared for it. Suddenly it’s a whole ordeal, so I just wait. In another category - art - I had to learn to be oka…

> Each attempt teaches you something, so to make good art, you have to make a lot of bad art first. Paper is cheap and making bad art is fun once you move past perfectionism. For the same reason, if it weren't for digital cameras, I never would have taken enough pictures to become competent enough to enjoy photography. I am also all ears about anyone chiming in with an effective way to deal with shopping problems. So…

Writing that comment got me to try Zalando, instead of slowly mapping out and visiting every store in my city. Maybe I wasn’t trying correctly.

My friend also taught me to slowly gather an inspiration folder with things I like. I have one for clothing, home decor and art. It made my job much easier.

I have filled a shopping cart with clothes I have seen on others in the last few months. It wasn’t that hard. I was just set in my ways.

Re: Maybe you’re not trying

#113

Post by nicbou »

Yoric wrote: post #81
nicbou wrote: post #55

Great post! I find that this happens when I want to do something The Right Way, but don’t have a clear path, nor the energy to figure one out. For example I want a nice winter wardrobe, but first I have to figure out what I like, what is trendy, where to buy it, what will suit the weather. I am wholly unprepared for it. Suddenly it’s a whole ordeal, so I just wait. In another category - art - I had to learn to be oka…

> Socialising is the same. You get better at it through practice. Practice is fun, it makes you do fun things and meet fun people. Not for all of us, though. For some, socializing is considerable pressure.

It is for me too, but in the end, practice made it so much easier. It took years and some guidance from a therapist, but it worked. “I want to meet more people” was one of those problems that took me year to properly work on.

I think that the core problem was similar: I was willing to make an effort, but did not have a clear idea of how to do it.

Re: Maybe you’re not trying

#114

Post by throwpoaster »

breakingcups wrote: post #100
throwpoaster wrote: post #50

If you, the reader, are having "productivity problems" please get assessed for ADHD. A lot of productivity writing has the frame "trust me, I was incorrigible and this system worked for me. If it worked for me it will work for you." None of those systems ever worked for me. I worried about learned helplessness. I worried that imposter syndrome was actually just me being an imposter. I worried I wasn't trying hard eno…

How long have you been on your medication?

Unfortunately I must decline to answer for legal reasons, but I am aware that some people report a short term “cure” that falls off after a longer period.

I am currently on the lowest commercially available dose of a time release methylphenidate, with a dosage pattern that mitigates this long term falloff in most people.

What has been most meaningful to me is the sense of hope both the diagnosis itself and the medication bring.

Sometimes one is trying, and is working hard enough, but is climbing higher mountains than other people while wondering why none of the online mountaineering advice makes sense.

Sometimes one needs an oxygen tank.

Re: Maybe you’re not trying

#115

Post by HWR_14 »

hombre_fatal wrote: post #109
blfr wrote: post #94

Earlier quoted context omitted.

This is ozempic territory: a technical solution to your own shortcomings is most effective. I have solved all my issues with doing house chores with wireless headphones, tablet, and youtube @ 2x speed. Sure, it means that I can't load my dishwasher until I find something half-decent to listen/watch but once I do find it, I have 10-50 minutes of just pure closing. Dishwasher loaded, countertops empty, new load of laun…

This is me. Finally buying some bluetooth headphones 15 years ago changed my life. I finally became a person who cooks every meal, cleans everything, does chores, and exercises daily, even pushes around the house. I like listening to debates since they are the most stimulating. So long as I can find a good one, I’m about to make dinner and unload the dishwasher. An audiobook that’s good enough can be so captivating t…

What are the sources of stimulating debates you've found?

Re: Maybe you’re not trying

#116

Post by yousif_123123 »

ekjhgkejhgk wrote: post #93
yousif_123123 wrote: post #58

I've always noticed that when I'm giving advice to someone or trying to help out, it always feels their problem is easier than whatever problem I have. As someone with some anxiety around things like calling some company to get something done or asking a random stranger for some help in a store, I would gladly do it if it was to help someone else (family member or friend). But when it's for me I find it harder. I won…

I'm exactly the same, down to the specific examples you chose. So, what is to be done?

I was hoping someone points it out for us.

Since you asked me, you are using the same concept and now I need to help you solve your problem (which seem to be the one I also have..)

I think the solution must be we're primarily responsible for ourselves, and that unless we ask others for help all the time we need to figure things out. I also lately have been thinking from the perspective of the person I'm anxious to interact with, and feel that they may actually be happy to interact with me, receive some warm greeting and help out by answering my question or doing my task.

If you could do something for others but feel anxious doing it for yourself, it must be "in our head" and logically we should be able to get over that and choose to be brave. I think in really it's often missed how we can be brave doing the action if it was for someone else, and that the bravery may actually already be inside us.

This at least is how I think of it now.

Re: Maybe you’re not trying

#117

Post by kbmr »

ACCount37 wrote: post #79
yousif_123123 wrote: post #58

I've always noticed that when I'm giving advice to someone or trying to help out, it always feels their problem is easier than whatever problem I have. As someone with some anxiety around things like calling some company to get something done or asking a random stranger for some help in a store, I would gladly do it if it was to help someone else (family member or friend). But when it's for me I find it harder. I won…

When trying to examine someone else's problems, you can see the problem itself. But what you aren't seeing is a pile of all the little habits, beliefs, behaviors, impulses and assorted mind defects that prevented them from solving it in the first place. It takes intimate familiarity to know all of those things about someone. If you were in their shoes, the problem might genuinely be trivial, for you. Because you're n…

> When trying to examine someone else's problems, you can see the problem itself. But what you aren't seeing is a pile of all the little habits, beliefs, behaviors, impulses and assorted mind defects that prevented them from solving it in the first place.

This is accurate. The roadblocks to solving their problem are often several small things completely unrelated to the problem itself.

Re: Maybe you’re not trying

#118

Post by ethersteeds »

yousif_123123 wrote: post #58

I've always noticed that when I'm giving advice to someone or trying to help out, it always feels their problem is easier than whatever problem I have. As someone with some anxiety around things like calling some company to get something done or asking a random stranger for some help in a store, I would gladly do it if it was to help someone else (family member or friend). But when it's for me I find it harder. I won…

This is a fascinating phenomenon, isn't it? I've heard it invoked as "it's always easier to clean someone else's room." And anxiety does seem to be the key. Very often the actual blocker isn't the difficulty of a task, but how we relate to it.

Re: Maybe you’re not trying

#119

Post by seg_lol »

yousif_123123 wrote: post #58

I've always noticed that when I'm giving advice to someone or trying to help out, it always feels their problem is easier than whatever problem I have. As someone with some anxiety around things like calling some company to get something done or asking a random stranger for some help in a store, I would gladly do it if it was to help someone else (family member or friend). But when it's for me I find it harder. I won…

> noticed that when I'm giving advice

When someone asks for advice, I often find if I pay deep attention, that advice is aimed at myself as well. Listen to the advice you give, because often times, the advice giver should follow it as well.

Re: Maybe you’re not trying

#120

Post by mwcz »

sandyarmstrong wrote: post #97
y-curious wrote: post #77

Earlier quoted context omitted.

People in the ADHD community are outspoken about a tangential concept: cleaning. Cleaning your friends place is a fun, novel, non-emotional activity. Cleaning your own space is a mental slog, boring and often painful due to having to rid yourself of mementos. In that case, my theory is that you get to shed your learned helplessness about how things look. I suspect it’s similar with giving advice.

A line I always remember (from Babylon 5) is: "When I clean my place, all I've done is clean my place. But when I help you clean your place, I'm _helping you_." tl;dr you should ask your badass partner for strategic help when the entire galaxy is under threat, even if she seems busy.

Nice, what was the context of that line in B5? I don't remember it.
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