Hacker News Board Hacker News, browsed like a classic message board
Live data from Hacker News

Social anxiety isn't about being liked

chrislakin.blog

Post reply on HN
Print view View original

111–120 of 230 posts

Re: Social anxiety isn't about being liked

#111

Post by throw7 »

cortesoft wrote: post #3

I hadn’t heard the word countersignaling before, but it matches something I had observed many years ago. My closest groups of friends always make so much fun of each other. We make negative comments about the worst traits about each other, the things that we are most self-conscious about… yet every time my friends make fun of me for something I worry about, I actually feel better and more comfortable with myself. Whe…

True. Back in the day, the mates and I would greet each other by saying, "Hey, fuck you." Then, "No, fuck you.". You can kinda guess it eventually ping pongs louder and funnier. We kind of had to stop when other innocent people would pop in and ask if everything is "ok".

Re: Social anxiety isn't about being liked

#112

Post by [deleted] »

Trasmatta wrote: post #101
WalterSear wrote: post #82

Earlier quoted context omitted.

By definition, if you don't like to experience it; don't like to witness it, it's not 'ribbing': it's bullying. It's crucial that the person being ribbed is part of the joke, and should be obvious. It's very common for people to engage in the bullying, thinking that they are just ribbing; perhaps, never having experienced the safety that is required for ribbing.

There's also the common experience of a bully who always retreats to the defense of "I'm just ribbing you, why are you so defensive?" anytime they're challenged. Making the victim feel like they're the problem.

[deleted]

Re: Social anxiety isn't about being liked

#113

Post by dpark »

wizzwizz4 wrote: post #71
xivzgrev wrote: post #49

Earlier quoted context omitted.

That's astute. I was always uncomfortable with this kind of joking. I felt threatened. The real reason was that I didn't have a good comeback. Let's say my nose was large, and a friend jokes about it. I need to say something back. And I could not think of anything. A low stakes situation becomes higher stakes than it needs to be. So on their side they see me struggle and probably feel bad, so they don't do it again.…

> And I could not think of anything. I've identified two approaches to this situation. One is to take the insult graciously, as though it's feedback: "Careful: you could put someone's eye out with that!" "Oh! Thanks for the reminder." (adjust the position of your head, as appropriate for your extremely large and dangerous nose) --- The other is to take whatever they said, and exaggerate it. This produces really good…

> Oh, could I? Well, your entire face is bad." > If they respond with another insult

I seriously doubt they will. “Your entire face is bad” sounds like lashing out from a place of hurt. Typical response would probably be a confused or disgusted look followed by a change of topic.

There are not a lot of people who could pull this kind of response off without coming off extremely weird or like assholes. And none of the people who could pull this off successfully are asking for comeback advice on Hacker News.

Re: Social anxiety isn't about being liked

#114

Post by kiba »

dkarl wrote: post #95
BurningFrog wrote: post #12

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Perhaps this is controversial, but I think this is a mostly male way of expressing affection. Women observing this sometimes conclude that men are horribly cruel to each other.

It's two different kinds of logic. The stereotypically male way makes sense to me: you take the weapons that could be used against someone and make them harmless. If you're fat, your friends call you fat, and you're like, hey, they know I'm fat, it's established that I'm fat, and they're my friends anyway! Being fat is fine! It takes all the fear out of it. In my perception, the stereotypically female way is, if you'…

Interesting.

I don't think it's OK or fine to be fat. It's a health risk. But I also don't think that "fat shaming" is OK either.

Re: Social anxiety isn't about being liked

#115

Post by self_awareness »

cortesoft wrote: post #3

I hadn’t heard the word countersignaling before, but it matches something I had observed many years ago. My closest groups of friends always make so much fun of each other. We make negative comments about the worst traits about each other, the things that we are most self-conscious about… yet every time my friends make fun of me for something I worry about, I actually feel better and more comfortable with myself. Whe…

My friend group from my school did the same thing, but I've always hated this pattern. Because of exactly this behavior, after finishing school I've decided to intentionally drop some contacts.

Maybe I've interpreted it as "I'm better than you, because you're doing X. I'm mentioning this over and over again, because it makes me feel better."

Re: Social anxiety isn't about being liked

#116

Post by Yiin »

dpark wrote: post #113
wizzwizz4 wrote: post #71

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> And I could not think of anything. I've identified two approaches to this situation. One is to take the insult graciously, as though it's feedback: "Careful: you could put someone's eye out with that!" "Oh! Thanks for the reminder." (adjust the position of your head, as appropriate for your extremely large and dangerous nose) --- The other is to take whatever they said, and exaggerate it. This produces really good…

> Oh, could I? Well, your entire face is bad." > If they respond with another insult I seriously doubt they will. “Your entire face is bad” sounds like lashing out from a place of hurt. Typical response would probably be a confused or disgusted look followed by a change of topic. There are not a lot of people who could pull this kind of response off without coming off extremely weird or like assholes. And none of the…

just say it with big ass grin on your face, problem solved

Re: Social anxiety isn't about being liked

#118

Post by nuancebydefault »

dkarl wrote: post #95
BurningFrog wrote: post #12

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Perhaps this is controversial, but I think this is a mostly male way of expressing affection. Women observing this sometimes conclude that men are horribly cruel to each other.

It's two different kinds of logic. The stereotypically male way makes sense to me: you take the weapons that could be used against someone and make them harmless. If you're fat, your friends call you fat, and you're like, hey, they know I'm fat, it's established that I'm fat, and they're my friends anyway! Being fat is fine! It takes all the fear out of it. In my perception, the stereotypically female way is, if you'…

I haven't looked at this topic this way, but now this really does make sense! I remember a lady asking me once how tall I am. I'm rather tall and in fact I don't like being asked that, since it is obvious that I am tall and the actual number does not matter. I responded with my height and immediately asked: what is your weight? Wrong question. In my male brain it was an equal kind of question. In the female brain totally not.

Re: Social anxiety isn't about being liked

#119

Post by cortesoft »

Trasmatta wrote: post #57
brabel wrote: post #18

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Only some kind of men behave like that. I had many friends growing up and we never did that sort of thing, and it always put me off to see people who did.

Yeah, I don't do this at all, and I don't like being friends with those that do

I have many friends who I don’t do this with, because I know they don’t like it and it doesn’t work with them. I show my friendship to them by understanding the type of person they are and knowing that friendly ribbing is not for them.

Would you mind being friends with someone like me? Or do you feel like engaging in that behavior at all, even if not directed at you, is enough to make you not want to be friends with them?

Re: Social anxiety isn't about being liked

#120

Post by cortesoft »

Trasmatta wrote: post #101
WalterSear wrote: post #82

Earlier quoted context omitted.

By definition, if you don't like to experience it; don't like to witness it, it's not 'ribbing': it's bullying. It's crucial that the person being ribbed is part of the joke, and should be obvious. It's very common for people to engage in the bullying, thinking that they are just ribbing; perhaps, never having experienced the safety that is required for ribbing.

There's also the common experience of a bully who always retreats to the defense of "I'm just ribbing you, why are you so defensive?" anytime they're challenged. Making the victim feel like they're the problem.

This is the case for so many things, though. Some people try to be funny but aren’t. Some people think they know how to drive safely but can’t. Some people think they are great programmers but aren’t.

This doesn’t mean that there aren’t funny people, or safe drivers, or great programmers. It also doesn’t mean that it’s impossible to KNOW you are funny, safe, or great at something.

It is a bit of a paradox, though, that right and wrong people can be equally certain.

Post reply on HN