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Always Invite Anna

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Re: Always Invite Anna

#111

Post by watwut »

ChrisMarshallNY wrote: post #87
ryandrake wrote: post #71

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I came here to make a feelgood response and I’m shocked by the highly upvoted grumpiness! “It costs nothing to be kind.” Whenever I go anywhere or make plans to do something social, I try to invite everyone I can. You’re sending the invite already, the marginal extra keystrokes it takes to add someone is trivial. And even if you know they’re not interested, the invitation might bring them some joy, so why not? Life i…

> I’m shocked by the highly upvoted grumpiness! Sadly, I’m not. People can be quite cruel; especially as a mob. You’d think that a crowd like nerds, with our famously awkward aspect, and the way so many of us were treated, would be empathetic, but it seems that the treatment has actually had the opposite effect. I suspect many of us have had “nerdy” bosses that were walking nightmares. It didn’t happen to me, but tha…

> You’d think that a crowd like nerds, with our famously awkward aspect, and the way so many of us were treated, would be empathetic, but it seems that the treatment has actually had the opposite effect. I suspect many of us have had “nerdy” bosses that were walking nightmares.

The amount of nerds in tech is overstated and so is the absurd assumption that everyone here was bullied.

And second, a lot of what we call "not having social skills" is frequently an euphemism for "being mean and then wondering why people avoid me" situation. It may be unintentional in some case, it may be they dont see relationship between other peoples behavior and their own. But it is a real thing.

Re: Always Invite Anna

#112

Post by volemo »

nine_k wrote: post #80
teapot7 wrote: post #72

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Or because they're shy and antisocial but it's nice to think that they're part of the gang - as the original article was all about.

It's understandable, but in no way nice. One side is going to bring their authentic shy and antisocial self, and stonewall the invitations, while the other side needs to keep smiling and send invitations no matter what. This sounds slightly lopsided, doesn't it? If you would like the other side to do you a small favor every time, it's worth considering to do the same. At least respond to the invitation with gratitude…

People have different capacity for social "niceties". Sometimes I'm full of energy and am happy to be Alexei for someone, sometimes I am Anna.

Re: Always Invite Anna

#113

Post by rmason »

Lot of wisdom in that article. You never know what people are going through. If she ever did share her problems with anyone it would be the guy who kept inviting her to party with the group.

Re: Always Invite Anna

#114

Post by ChrisMarshallNY »

watwut wrote: post #111
ChrisMarshallNY wrote: post #87

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> I’m shocked by the highly upvoted grumpiness! Sadly, I’m not. People can be quite cruel; especially as a mob. You’d think that a crowd like nerds, with our famously awkward aspect, and the way so many of us were treated, would be empathetic, but it seems that the treatment has actually had the opposite effect. I suspect many of us have had “nerdy” bosses that were walking nightmares. It didn’t happen to me, but tha…

> You’d think that a crowd like nerds, with our famously awkward aspect, and the way so many of us were treated, would be empathetic, but it seems that the treatment has actually had the opposite effect. I suspect many of us have had “nerdy” bosses that were walking nightmares. The amount of nerds in tech is overstated and so is the absurd assumption that everyone here was bullied. And second, a lot of what we call "…

I think that the composition of “technical” people has changed, over the years.

When I was getting my start, it was almost exclusively nerdy white males.

That is no longer the case. Tech now looks a lot more like any other community.

Misanthropy is often a self-fulfilling prophecy. That’s different from social awkwardness or fear.

For myself, I’m “on the spectrum,” so high-stimulus environments are exhausting. That describes most social gatherings; especially amongst neurotypicals. It’s unfair for me to insist that they cater to my proclivities, and it’s also unfair for me to insist that they understand why I am the way I am.

One of the things that I learned, early on, is that I am the variable. It’s not something to be self-pitying about, but understanding myself, helps me to interact better with others. I appreciate it when others understand, but I don’t expect it.

Re: Always Invite Anna

#115

Post by nicbou »

globular-toast wrote: post #107
nicbou wrote: post #100

If people keep declining invitations, I take the hint. Otherwise I feel like I'm pestering them. From my perspective, Anna is indistinguishable from someone who doesn't like me/the group/our plans that much. Organizers also put themselves out there when they suggest and idea and invite people. Being repeatedly shot down feels bad too. The core of my friend circles is the people who keep showing up. They're receptive…

One of the most difficult things in relationships is when each person thinks they are "doing the right thing" for the other, but it comes across as completely the opposite. It reminds me of a relationship I had once which didn't work out for many reasons, but one thing in particular stood out: how we each expected to ask and receive help. She would expect me to see that she needed help and just jump in. When no help…

One thing I had to learn is that clear is kind and unclear is unkind. If your unstated expectations are unmet, it's on you. I used to be like the "she" in your story, and I realised this behaviour is manipulative and rarely gets me what I want.

> Some people will take "no" as a rejection.

People say "no" because they mean "no", and people accept "no" as meaning "no". This is how adults communicate. I don't think you can both-sides this situation.

Re: Always Invite Anna

#116

Post by Vinnl »

BeetleB wrote: post #29

By the time you get to my age, your list of potential Anna's will be in the high dozens. You simply cannot keep this up with all the Anna's. A lot of people genuinely don't want to hang out with you. Likely that number exceeds the "real" Anna's by an order of magnitude. If there's someone I particularly like, I'll keep inviting him. But if the person is otherwise normal (e.g. clearly has a social life), I invite 3-5…

I don't think you always have to invite every Anna to everything. Usually, there are somewhat natural groups that are relevant to invite, and you invite the Anna's that are part of that. So if I'm having drinks with colleagues, I'll also invite my colleague Anna, but not my former college classmate Anna.

Nowadays this happens even more naturally, as my different groups will also be organised in their own Signal groups. So I'll just send a group message to my colleagues group, and there will always be people in there that never go - but they're welcome to.

Re: Always Invite Anna

#117

Post by guappa »

ryandrake wrote: post #71
63stack wrote: post #45

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I had the same opinion and I am surprised by the amount of feelgood responses in this thread. Anna needs to realize that the amount of people who have the time and willingness to invite someone out for _years_ while receicing no is very low. These friends need to be treasured and appreciated, and Anna needs to make an effort by saying yes sometimes, or at least expressing what she's going through. The friends are mak…

I came here to make a feelgood response and I’m shocked by the highly upvoted grumpiness! “It costs nothing to be kind.” Whenever I go anywhere or make plans to do something social, I try to invite everyone I can. You’re sending the invite already, the marginal extra keystrokes it takes to add someone is trivial. And even if you know they’re not interested, the invitation might bring them some joy, so why not? Life i…

Nobody wants to be the clingy weirdo who doesn't take no for an answer…

Re: Always Invite Anna

#118

Post by squigz »

Zenbit_UX wrote: post #110
snapcaster wrote: post #82

Earlier quoted context omitted.

What part don't you understand? I'm sure you engage with other forms of social status and signaling and this one seems pretty straightforward

I believe they were implying they don’t get social cues due to neurodivergence, likely autism. Hilariously you’re also not picking up on their social cues and implications, which is likewise telling.

Quite right. Reading such intense motives behind such simple interactions is one of those allistic things that has me going like ???

Re: Always Invite Anna

#119

Post by dmesg »

Vinnl wrote: post #116
BeetleB wrote: post #29

By the time you get to my age, your list of potential Anna's will be in the high dozens. You simply cannot keep this up with all the Anna's. A lot of people genuinely don't want to hang out with you. Likely that number exceeds the "real" Anna's by an order of magnitude. If there's someone I particularly like, I'll keep inviting him. But if the person is otherwise normal (e.g. clearly has a social life), I invite 3-5…

I don't think you always have to invite every Anna to everything. Usually, there are somewhat natural groups that are relevant to invite, and you invite the Anna's that are part of that. So if I'm having drinks with colleagues, I'll also invite my colleague Anna, but not my former college classmate Anna. Nowadays this happens even more naturally, as my different groups will also be organised in their own Signal group…

This, especially since I don't want to come off with tech bro vibes by asking "Would you like $thing?":

[YES!!!] / [Remind me later™]

Re: Always Invite Anna

#120

Post by anticrymactic »

matheusmoreira wrote: post #78
ryandrake wrote: post #71

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I came here to make a feelgood response and I’m shocked by the highly upvoted grumpiness! “It costs nothing to be kind.” Whenever I go anywhere or make plans to do something social, I try to invite everyone I can. You’re sending the invite already, the marginal extra keystrokes it takes to add someone is trivial. And even if you know they’re not interested, the invitation might bring them some joy, so why not? Life i…

> Life is not a game where people build up points with you and you start to be kind to them only if they maintain themselves above a threshold. Be careful. It is trivial for others to take advantage of such selfless kindness. Ingratitude is common, as is sociopathy. Altruists often discover that the world does not reciprocate.

> Be careful. It is trivial for others to take advantage of such selfless kindness.

What harm does is do? Altruistic kindness is not affected by the response. That's the point. Being "exploited" for kindness is not possible, it's not a currency.

> Ingratitude is common, as is sociopathy.

Source? If anything, most anecdotes point to the opposite, gratitude and kindness is extremely common.

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