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The electric fence stopped working years ago

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Re: The electric fence stopped working years ago

#111

Post by losvedir »

ulfw wrote: post #93
lordnacho wrote: post #8

This is right. People ask my how on earth I know what every one of my high school classmates is up to, when we were the last class of the millennium. Along with a number of old teachers and other randoms from years ago. I just stopped having a filter. When I think of someone, I just fire off a message. The message doesn't have any warnings on it like "oh I know it's been a while" or "you might not remember me". I wri…

I'd be deeply annoyed if someone I haven't seen or talked to in years did that to me. Like dude... if I was important to me you'd have talked to me long ago. I am obviously not - that's totally fine. Then at least start with some minor small talk pleasantries before you get to what you actually want.

Would you say that, or would you play along? Would you hold your "deep annoyance" as a permanent grudge? If you'd play along and not hold the grudge indefinitely then from their perspective you'd appear just like the (in my opinion more reasonable) friends who appreciated it, and so it's probably better to assume that situation.

Re: The electric fence stopped working years ago

#112

Post by akk0 »

ChrisMarshallNY wrote: post #66
stroz wrote: post #50

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Fair point! The irony isn't lost on me, writing about breaking free from systems while building another one. Sometimes we need training wheels before we can ride free. The goal is shifting the mindset, and ultimately making the systems unnecessary eventually.

I suspect the app is a labor of love, and the article was from the heart. It does get dicey, when what we do is mixed with who we are. I have an app that is very useful to a lot of folks, but I don't really spend much time, talking about it, because it's frequently met with suspicion. I'm trying to figure out how to work around that.

Vaguely alluding to whatever it is you do as "too suspicious-sounding to talk about" surely isn't helping the matter.

Re: The electric fence stopped working years ago

#113

Post by shazbotter »

lordnacho wrote: post #8

This is right. People ask my how on earth I know what every one of my high school classmates is up to, when we were the last class of the millennium. Along with a number of old teachers and other randoms from years ago. I just stopped having a filter. When I think of someone, I just fire off a message. The message doesn't have any warnings on it like "oh I know it's been a while" or "you might not remember me". I wri…

I'm autistic, and what you describe doing sounds impossible to me. I live in constant fear of inconveniencing others. I personally find it inconvenient when someone outside my close circle wants my time.

It's expensive for me to perform socialness, so I tend to assume it's not free for others as well and avoid placing that burden on them.

Re: The electric fence stopped working years ago

#114

Post by 1970-01-01 »

My quality of life improves significantly whenever I allow myself to leave behind the idiots. By idiots, I don't mean people I dislike or disagree with, I mean people that can't afford to make any more mistakes in their life without directly compromising mine. (Exceptions will be made for little children that don't know any better.)

Keep the electric fence up for those idiots.

Re: The electric fence stopped working years ago

#115

Post by 30minAdayHN »

This is such a timely article. It was a HUGE electric fence for me as a founder. I was hesitant asking for introductions, help and advise. It took a lot of internalization that I would always welcome asking for help and others would think the same. One fence I still struggle with is following-up. Usually people don't respond the first time and my fence natural thinks that they read and were not interested. But the reality is that most people are bad at following-up. Even me, many times think I will write back to them and I forget. So same thing happens to others. Reaching out multiple times - at least twice - usually works. It still takes a lot of energy to remind them the second time when they haven't responded.

Re: The electric fence stopped working years ago

#116

Post by lukaslalinsky »

I've been living inside an electric fence for so long as a child, that I never learned the rules of life outside. As an adult, I really struggle, because even though I'd want to connect with people, I just have trouble words that could reconnect us. I rely on other people to start/keep conversations. I've been trying to overcome that somehow, but the learning process is so slow.

Re: The electric fence stopped working years ago

#117

Post by stroz »

logifail wrote: post #54
lordnacho wrote: post #8

This is right. People ask my how on earth I know what every one of my high school classmates is up to, when we were the last class of the millennium. Along with a number of old teachers and other randoms from years ago. I just stopped having a filter. When I think of someone, I just fire off a message. The message doesn't have any warnings on it like "oh I know it's been a while" or "you might not remember me". I wri…

> I just stopped having a filter. When I think of someone, I just fire off a message This. I'm spending the week in my hometown with my 9-year old daughter to give her the chance of some time with her grandparents. We live hundreds of miles (and several countries) away. While walking along I mentioned to her that an old college friend of mine also lived in this town along with her husband and their daughter. For pers…

Kids see through our nonsense so clearly. Your daughter just gave you the permission you've been waiting 20 years for.

"Did you have a fight?" "No!" "Then write to her."

That simple. The fence only exists in your head. Twenty years of silence ended by one message. What are you waiting for?

Re: The electric fence stopped working years ago

#118

Post by stroz »

30minAdayHN wrote: post #115

This is such a timely article. It was a HUGE electric fence for me as a founder. I was hesitant asking for introductions, help and advise. It took a lot of internalization that I would always welcome asking for help and others would think the same. One fence I still struggle with is following-up. Usually people don't respond the first time and my fence natural thinks that they read and were not interested. But the re…

Thanks for saying this! Following up is the invisible fence that kills more opportunities than anything. You're completely right, sending the second message isn't pushy, it's just acknowledging we're all drowning in notifications.

I now assume everyone needs 2-3 reminders. Not because they don't care, but because life is chaos. Keep following up!

Re: The electric fence stopped working years ago

#119

Post by stroz »

nuancebydefault wrote: post #63
stroz wrote: post #4

Earlier quoted context omitted.

You're right, we see everyone else's fences perfectly while blind to our own. Here's what helped me most, when I hit a painful thought, I try to think about it as, "What are you protecting me from?" Usually it's something that happened once, often years ago. Next time you feel that electric fence, just notice it. Then take one tiny step towards it (Joe Hudson talks about this as emotional fluency). The fence will bee…

I recently realized that I had lingering old pains and those were triggered by someone going through a similar experience and I literally felt their pain. It took me a lot of digging in my mind, peeling off layers, to understand even what the root pains are. Sending a message to someone and potentially not getting any (meaningful) back is something I find very hard to accept, though I know not responding is often not…

The fear of no response is real. It's not about logic, it's about old wounds. What helps is sending messages with zero expectation. Treat it like throwing paper airplanes. Some fly, some don't. And that's completely ok!

The ones that don't fly aren't rejections, they're just physics.

Re: The electric fence stopped working years ago

#120

Post by stroz »

lukaslalinsky wrote: post #116

I've been living inside an electric fence for so long as a child, that I never learned the rules of life outside. As an adult, I really struggle, because even though I'd want to connect with people, I just have trouble words that could reconnect us. I rely on other people to start/keep conversations. I've been trying to overcome that somehow, but the learning process is so slow.

Growing up inside the fence means never learning there was an outside.

Learning as an adult is like learning a new language, slow, often awkward, but possible.

Start tiny. One word texts. "Hey!"

No pressure for conversation. Just practice existing in someone's inbox. The fence gets weaker with each send.

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