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The Friendship Recession: The lost art of connecting

happiness.hks.harvard.edu

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Re: The Friendship Recession: The lost art of connecting

#111

Post by subpixel »

zug_zug wrote: post #64
prhn wrote: post #35

I'm not sure what caused this, but I think the expectations of modern friendship have become unrealistic. Maybe it's movies and TV, where a "close friend" is more or less a non judgemental therapist that will throw down in a fight for you. What is a close friend? Before we can start asking people if they have any we should probably agree on a definition. If you use the Hollywood standard, then probably none of us hav…

>> What is a close friend? Before we can start asking people if they have any we should probably agree on a definition. If you use the Hollywood standard, then probably none of us have close friends. I've come to this same conclusion, but rarely express it because it's possible I'm just different. And I'd even go one step further, I think what a lot of people say friendship is, isn't actually what human friendship is…

I don’t disagree but I do have a friendship that matches your theoretical definition and I appreciate how rare a thing it is.

Re: The Friendship Recession: The lost art of connecting

#113

Post by phalangion »

coffeebeqn wrote: post #78
bilsbie wrote: post #47

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Any tips?

Invite people to things. You’re probably overthinking it

It really is exactly this. My default mindset is "everybody's busy with their own lives, so they probably don't have time so I won't even try to invite them to X." Change your assumptions a little bit to instead assume people want to do things. If they say no, so be it. But I've found that people want to be invited out to do more things than they are, so send the invites.

I started swimming with a community team two years ago, and about 4 months in I invited them to also lift weights with me. Now there are about 8 of us that are together 5 mornings per week. Took a chance and invited them on a trip, and now 5 of us are going on a week long trip together.

Find a group of people doing something you like. If it's a tech meetup, community organization, hobby group, whatever. What it is doesn't matter. What matters is that you find people with whom you share _an_ interest. Then take a chance there and say "hey, want to meet up for lunch next week?" Or just say "hey, I'm going to see X next weekend, want to come?"

Re: The Friendship Recession: The lost art of connecting

#114

Post by [deleted] »

tycho-newman wrote: post #97
daseiner1 wrote: post #77

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Asking isn’t forcing. And people who are suicidal are often in an unhealthy state of mind that doesn’t persist over an extended period of time. And we obviously place limits on autonomy in all sorts of ways.

I don’t make the distinction between asking and forcing. To me, you can ask why someone wants to die. But stopping them? Or asking them to stop? Eh, not up to me.

[deleted]

Re: The Friendship Recession: The lost art of connecting

#115

Post by NemoNobody »

scarface_74 wrote: post #107
sylens wrote: post #44

I wonder how much the polarization of politics contributes to this. I have friends on opposite sides of the political spectrum than me, but were able to basically segment off that area of discussion to enjoy each others company in other areas. It may be because we go back 20+ years with many shared experiences. I would guess many friendships do not have that level of bedrock to ground them, so developments like the r…

It’s one thing when being on different sides of the political spectrum meant disagreeing about supply side economics. It’s another when it means they are racist, homophobic, etc. I have a friend who on one hand believes all of the anti-vax, evil illegal immigrate stuff and might even believe that Trump’s tariffs are okay. But on the other hand, I have never heard him say anything negative about other people, cultures…

I think if you push your friend, specifically on the trans argument, you might learn something about him.

I'm not sure how anyone could believe immigrants are intrinsically bad without racism tbh.

Re: The Friendship Recession: The lost art of connecting

#116

Post by scarface_74 »

socalgal2 wrote: post #13

> that those who engaged in face-to-face interactions at least once a week experienced better physical and mental well-being, whereas communication through calls or texts did not have the same effect. Neuroscience helps us make sense of these findings. Research shows that hearing a familiar voice reduces cortisol and boosts oxytocin—hormones tied to stress relief and bonding—while text-based communication and video c…

My friends get to know the real me. The rap loving, occasionally inappropriate, skepticism of the police, occasional f bomb throwing, shit talking while playing cards, can drink most people under the table without breaking a sweat etc.

The work me is the “looking at things from a 1000 foot view”, “taking things to the parking lot”, “and adding on to what Becky said”.

When I talk to them about what concert I went to, it’s limited to Maroon 5, Stevie Wonder and my friend who is in a punk band. I don’t discuss the concert where my wife and I were at lil Jon screaming “bia bia” or Ice Cube was rapping “F** the Police”.

Code switching is a real thing. I’m in a customer facing role (cloud consulting) and I always have to filter everything I say through the corporate lens. At home and with my friends, I can be the real me.

Re: The Friendship Recession: The lost art of connecting

#117

Post by tycho-newman »

grugagag wrote: post #109
tycho-newman wrote: post #70

Earlier quoted context omitted.

No one should ask a suicidal person not to kill themselves. If you believe in autonomy, every human has the right to decide when and how to end their lives. Slavery denies human autonomy by taking all control away. Even when you think their decision is a bad one, it’s their life and their decision.

Suicidal people are in a broken state, overcome by emotions and irrationality. When over that they’ll likely thank you for stopping them and likely to not understand themselves what the drive to kill themselves was except for remembering how cloudy they felt.

That's all valid, but I'm going to stick to my autonomy rule. People are free to make fatal mistakes.

Re: The Friendship Recession: The lost art of connecting

#118

Post by scarface_74 »

intended wrote: post #27
socalgal2 wrote: post #13

> that those who engaged in face-to-face interactions at least once a week experienced better physical and mental well-being, whereas communication through calls or texts did not have the same effect. Neuroscience helps us make sense of these findings. Research shows that hearing a familiar voice reduces cortisol and boosts oxytocin—hormones tied to stress relief and bonding—while text-based communication and video c…

Also From the article: > It’s often said that if you ask an American what they do, they’ll tell you about their job, whereas a European might talk about their hobbies or passions. Data backs this up; > But the role of work in shaping identity and social life in the United States has perhaps never been stronger. For example, 77% of Americans work more than 40 hours per week, and few take their full paid leave. I guess…

This is why my conversation starter is always “what keeps you busy”? and not what you do for work.

I hate talking about what I do for work. My life is so much more than my job. I’m also much more interested in learning about other people’s live outside of work, hobbies, where they travel, etc.

Re: The Friendship Recession: The lost art of connecting

#119

Post by dijksterhuis »

tycho-newman wrote: post #97
daseiner1 wrote: post #77

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Asking isn’t forcing. And people who are suicidal are often in an unhealthy state of mind that doesn’t persist over an extended period of time. And we obviously place limits on autonomy in all sorts of ways.

I don’t make the distinction between asking and forcing. To me, you can ask why someone wants to die. But stopping them? Or asking them to stop? Eh, not up to me.

asking

> The act of inquiring or requesting; a petition; solicitation.

forcing

> The accomplishing of any purpose violently, precipitately, prematurely, or with unusual expedition.

-

unless you’re a psychopath, your 20 year old offspring calling you at 4am about to kill themselves is gonna result in you doing basically anything you can to save them.

it’s very easy to sit on the internet and take a perceived moral high ground. it’s much harder to retain that high ground when you get that phone call.

i used to have all sorts of bullshit “rules” like this [0]. but life ain’t binary man. absolutisms don’t really exist out there in the real world. i know it probably makes you feel “safer” knowing that you have a “rule” for this that you feel you can apply carte blanche — it used to for me — but it’s all bullshit man. it’s just the policeman in our own heads.

[0]: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=43803874

Re: The Friendship Recession: The lost art of connecting

#120

Post by scarface_74 »

NemoNobody wrote: post #115
scarface_74 wrote: post #107

Earlier quoted context omitted.

It’s one thing when being on different sides of the political spectrum meant disagreeing about supply side economics. It’s another when it means they are racist, homophobic, etc. I have a friend who on one hand believes all of the anti-vax, evil illegal immigrate stuff and might even believe that Trump’s tariffs are okay. But on the other hand, I have never heard him say anything negative about other people, cultures…

I think if you push your friend, specifically on the trans argument, you might learn something about him. I'm not sure how anyone could believe immigrants are intrinsically bad without racism tbh.

Illegal immigration is what he is opposed to.

It’s relatively easy for someone to understand just by taking a slight step back out of their world view why a man may be attracted to another man or a woman may be a attracted to another woman or someone may be attracted to both sexes.

But trans goes against everything they know about science. And even for those who are very much “let you do you” thinks it’s a bridge too far to have biological men in women’s sports.

This is a bridge too far for even me (yes I know it’s an unpopular opinion) and I’m a “f*! the police”,BLM, universal healthcare, free college education, religious skeptical, increase the safety net and lean liberal

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