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Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

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Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

#111

Post by imtringued »

quickthrower2 wrote: post #68
john61 wrote: post #48

Since this is Hacker News: Stallman's take on in this: Why it is important not to have children. https://stallman.org/articles/children.html

He is influencing smart people to not have kids though so encouraging an idiocracy scenario. And we might need the smart kids to invent new ways out of global warming.

All the kids smart enough to invent new ways out of climate change have been born. They don't matter. Adding more won't change anything but increase the amount of smart kids suffering from climate change.

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

#112

Post by zelphirkalt »

dustedcodes wrote: post #95
zelphirkalt wrote: post #92

Like a friend of mine once said approximately: Having a family or a wife is not the only goal in life one can have. Some people are made for different purposes than the biological default activity. People can live great lives and never be in an (exclusive) relationship with any partner. People can do great work and advance humanity a little bit. They can be experts in their area of expertise and that can be already m…

> Many people will also tout, that making a family was the best thing they ever did. However, studies show, that people are not necessarily happier after having kids and one explanation for this is, that it is not socially accceptable usually, to say things like: "Ah getting children was a mistake, I wish I had not done that.". People will paint you as asocial or worse, if you say those things. Also people need to ju…

Well, if you ask me personally about my opinion, then I think, that it would be a sad world, if all we could draw some "new life energy" from is children. We are already too many on this planet. Best we find other things to draw new life energy from. For example as a pensioner one could help other people's kids learn stuff. One could work a little in an animal shelter. One could mentor younger people. One could write down ones knowledge in some kind of document, maybe book. One could continue to do a little honorary work. One could try to organize a political discussion group to further democracy. Lots of things pensioners can do to still take part in society and have positive impact.

> I think most people will say that having kids was the best thing in their life because it truly feels that way to them.

That is actually what I wrote: They might truly believe it:

> Also people need to justify their own past decisions to themselves and might really believe, that it was the best decision they made.

I personally would be totally fine with helping my friends and their children out, by teaching their children math or chess or computer programming or something like that, once they are in that age. I could then see the fruits of those efforts, as they deal with school and education. Maybe I can even manage to teach them in a way, that they get good grades and have a great future. They do not have to be my children for me to see fruits of the work put in to raise them. I am not really a fan of having to swap diapers though.

But that's all me and others might be, and likely are, different.

That is kind of the point as well: Different people can have different things in life that make them happy. Children is not a one-fits-all solution.

And just to be clear: It is fine when people see their children as their thing in life. Their choice! Good if it works for them.

I do not think of raising children as the same kind of work, but I do think it is considerable work, which many people get into, without being fully aware, just how stressful it might make the next decade of their life.

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

#113

Post by bhouston »

I know a few couples that had kids in their mid to late 40s. I believe it was always via an egg donor or via eggs frozen earlier in the woman’s life though.

Men fertility declines slower than women generally. Men are good to 50 or later usually but there are always exceptions. There is rising risks of things like austism but I think all of that is after 40 generally and rises slowly as age increases.

If your goals are not the same as your partners then maybe your partnership has run its course. Shared values and goals is why couples stay together. Money, and kids are two of the big major shared goals and if yours have truly changed then well.

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

#115

Post by incomingpain »

>My life is now dominated by regret every day. I just can't get over that feeling. I've tried many things like therapy, counseling ect. It only helps for a little bit but I am still doing therapy. Some nights I wake up with panic and stay up all night with shallow breathing and high heart rate.

Imagine there's 3 giant luggages of your life, full of VHS tapes made out of lead(heavy). You know what's on those video tapes, its every experience in your life. There's tapes of the time you went over your bike handlebars. There's your wedding. Every bad and good memory in your history is in there.

The first luggage is labelled 'the past', this is the biggest and heaviest. >10,000lbs. A collected works of your entire life is going to be big and heavy.

The second luggage is labelled 'future' where every time you imagine something about the future it shows up in there. 99% of the time none of this ever happened. If you have an active imagination this luggage might be heavier than the first one; but generally it's big and heavy on average. Everyone imagines what the future may hold.

The third luggage is labelled 'today' and as you can imagine this is the only luggage small enough for you to handle. It gets heavier through the day but totally manageable.

You get to pick which one you get to move each day after you wake up. Can you imagine how exhausted you will be if you attempt to move the past or the future all the time? You can move only 1 luggage at a time, you can't handle more than 1. Don't try.

You also probably are doing even worse. You probably are trying to haul the past and future luggages at the same time and in so doing leaving the easiest one behind.

Here's how much easier it is to haul 'just today'. You wake up. You're not allowed to think about the past and certainly don't try to be nostradamus and predict something in the future. You may only deal with today and basically as things show up for you to do. You do them.

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

#117

Post by nurettin »

Having kids means:

You can't enjoy life normally anymore. Oh, you went on a european tour to appreciate some architecture? Well that's too bad. Little Josh will want all the attention. You had twins? Haha good luck with literally everything. The only gazing you will do is when you look at the night sky after you've put them to sleep wondering how good it would have been without children in your life.

Having them, or not having them. It is bad either way. Just cherish the life you've had so far thanks to not having children.

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

#118

Post by ysavir »

tomp wrote: post #101
luxurytent wrote: post #12

A few posts here are suggesting that it's not too late. Perhaps so, but the way are describing yourself is worrisome, in a way that I think if you attempted to have kids (either biologically or through adoption), your stress levels would reach new heights that are unsustainable. You are depressed, anxious, and have lost sight of what you want out of life. I don't know if kids are the bandage here. At the least, you n…

On the other hand, it's possible that one is simply "depressed" (sad) because one can't achieve ones goals. The solution, then, is to figure out a way to achieve them.

That is absolutely true. The question, though, is whether the OP's fixation on having kids _is_ a goal, or if it's just a manifestation of dissatisfaction with the status quo. They're at a stage in life where probably most of their friends and family (of their generation) are parenting. It's easy, when depressed, to look at others who you see as happy and ask, "what do they have that I don't?", and in this case, the most glaring answer may be "they have kids, so I should get kids too!".

This isn't to say that the OP is wrong, but rather that in their communication, they focused more on their longing than their parenting, implying that the want of parenting is more important to them than the parenting itself.

Consider also that this thread didn't come from a day's ponderings; it's a reaction to another article about how most of the time spent with children is before the child reaches 12 (as quoted in the OP). Such a trigger could suggest more fear-of-missing-out than inherent regret.

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

#119

Post by comboy »

You're not gonna read all these comments, are you?

Hope you will still have luck, but in the meantime - sorry if it sounds harsh but seems like quickest way to communicate it - if you are not ok with yourself and with your life, I don't think you want to have kids.

It's like a polish proverb regarding relationships: don't try to find a girl who will make you happy, find the happiness within yourself and then some girl will find that.

If you cannot make it ok with yourself without kids I don't think it's a situation which you want to put them into. Seriously, there are many things that you cannot change about the world and about your kids. Being able to accept reality seems useful.

Also I've talked with quite a few people whose parents were all about kids - that was all they wanted from life. And these people as kids (as adults too) were kind of lost. Because if my parents only care about their children, what is there to care about in life? Should I also make kids ASAP and care about them? I mean, it is our biology but it's also a vicious circle.

Other than that you have some options, adoption, some other woman can carry it for both of you etc.

I wish you all the best.

Re: Ask HN: How to deal with regret of not having kids

#120

Post by nashashmi »

davidguetta wrote: post #8

You can 100% have kids. Not only biologically but also There are thousands of younger 30ish women who'd see 0 problem have a kid with a mature 40 y.o. (rather than a 30 y.o. whos head is not there yet) Of course you probably wont have the same relationship with your wife but thats your life, not hers. And if you wake up with panic attacks over kids you HAVE to do it or youll never forgive yourself in 10 / 20 years. A…

This is the worst advice to give. He chose not to have with the one he is married to. And you are saying to turn his back on that same person. And have it with someone else!
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