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Write a note to your spouse every day

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Re: Write a note to your spouse every day

#111

Post by funklute »

mamoriamohit wrote: post #13

I have had an opposite experience. Daily notes makes no difference. I was in a relationship for 2 years and have written a poem every day for 400 days straight to her. But it failed nevertheless. In fact, I was told by her that these notes put her in guilt. Weird. Gestures like these amplify whatever the relationship there is to start with. If there's a lot of love, they amplify it. If there's a lot of lack of commit…

> But it failed nevertheless. In fact, I was told by her that these notes put her in guilt. Weird.

I think you're missing some perspective here. You make it sound like you were the one really trying, and your partner is the one who was weird for not "getting it".

I would honestly be pretty freaked out if my partner wrote me daily poems for 400 days. It would come off as very needy and obsessive, and if it continued after me bringing it up, I could see it as a reason to break things off.

Of course some people might really like daily poems. But from what you wrote, it sounds a little like you've failed to read the room, and are now blaming others for that.

Re: Write a note to your spouse every day

#112

Post by colordrops »

0x008 wrote: post #44

Is it just me or does anybody else think having to “do” something to want to talk to each other is weird? I feel like the trust between these two was very broken at this point. Usually when both parties have a healthy emotional well being and they like each other (and have kids also, so they have a lot in common I guess?) it would only be normal to want to talk with each other. Looks more like a symptom of fatigue or…

Yes. I'm in what I feel to be a shitty marriage and it's a lot more communicative and healthy than what is described.

Re: Write a note to your spouse every day

#113

Post by NetOpWibby »

cleandreams wrote: post #49

Wow, so much negativity. I think this is great advice. The key is being genuine and appreciative. Take care of your neediness in other ways. If you don't know how to listen, writing lots of notes can be just another way of monopolizing the conversation. Use the note as a way to maintain the intimacy you already have. Ps my marriage lasted happily for 37 years until the untimely death of my beloved wife.

I don’t fear much but my wife dying before me is up there, right after my kids. I hope to experience and provide the marriage you’ve experienced.

This year will be my third married and my 10th being in a relationship with my wife. It’s been a tumultuous journey at times because of lack of communication.

In lieu of notes like OP mentioned, my wife and I just check in with each other every morning. And, throughout the day. She’s naturally thoughtful while I’m mostly focused on myself. We had a talk a few months ago and it was revealed that my self-centeredness was a defense mechanism I haven’t needed to deploy for at least a decade.

I could go on and on so I’ll just stop here and co-sign once more; communicate with your spouse. And then do it even more than that.

Re: Write a note to your spouse every day

#114

Post by lotusw0w »

cleandreams wrote: post #49

Wow, so much negativity. I think this is great advice. The key is being genuine and appreciative. Take care of your neediness in other ways. If you don't know how to listen, writing lots of notes can be just another way of monopolizing the conversation. Use the note as a way to maintain the intimacy you already have. Ps my marriage lasted happily for 37 years until the untimely death of my beloved wife.

I'm really sorry to hear that :(

Re: Write a note to your spouse every day

#115

Post by zwirbl »

sp527 wrote: post #98
Gigachad wrote: post #66

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Being in a relationship opens yourself up to a huge amount of financial risk which can last a very long time after the breakup/divorce. In most countries you are exposed to this risk even if you don't marry as you automatically enter a de facto which is pretty legally similar to a full marriage. This all made sense when you had a man working and a woman at home looking after the house and kids, but in a modern societ…

I believe a well-orchestrated prenup, perhaps in combination with some structure of legal trusts, can (mostly) mitigate this. You can firewall assets and nix alimony. And then move to Texas for the cap on child support orders, which really matters [0]. The only exposure you're left with is being liable for attorney fees, but hopefully Texas has some standard to preclude those from becoming unconscionable. A lot of pe…

This is viewing a common problem through the eyes of the super wealthy.

> And then move to Texas for the cap on child support orders

I'd rather stay single than move to Texas because of a possible divorce. This is possibly the weirdest way to view a marriage I've ever come about

Re: Write a note to your spouse every day

#116

Post by safety1st »

cleandreams wrote: post #49

Wow, so much negativity. I think this is great advice. The key is being genuine and appreciative. Take care of your neediness in other ways. If you don't know how to listen, writing lots of notes can be just another way of monopolizing the conversation. Use the note as a way to maintain the intimacy you already have. Ps my marriage lasted happily for 37 years until the untimely death of my beloved wife.

I think the responses / strategies / etc. are diverse because relationships are as diverse as the human race. What works in one relationship has no guarantee of working in another.

The article is certainly well-meaning but it has a bit of a "one weird trick" feel to it. It's written by a 30 year old man who has done something to improve his marriage which is great. It's anyone's guess what kind of article he's going to write when he's 60. He's on a good track, he's learned that regular communication is almost always a win, my own $0.02 is that if there's any one secret weapon, it's that.

But there are also relationships and people where there's nothing that will work, someone is just a rotten apple, or maybe the trust is irreparably damaged. I've had partners who were such supportive, caring human beings that I felt humbled - a little ashamed of my own selfishness by comparison. But I've also had partners who were clearly in it for themselves, seeing what they could milk out of me, and no amount of communication was going to change that. For the latter there was no strategy that was going to fix it - the only right path was to end it and move on.

Re: Write a note to your spouse every day

#117

Post by showsover »

erfgh wrote: post #105
the_gipsy wrote: post #29

> I’m a husband who is 30. I also have 4 kids, ages 6 and under. I’m the sole-provider for the family (though my wife works harder). Between the job, the kids, and extrafamilial obligations, there’s not a lot of time for communication with my wife. We’re on the go from sun-up to sun-down, and at the end of the day we drop into bed exhausted to get just enough sleep for the next day. Very often in the past, a week or…

I have two kids under 6 and while it was very hard for about a year or so I realized that I am a lot happier than I was before I had kids, even though I do an order of magnitude more chores. Then I realized that this is the reason I am happier --- I work; and I don't mean I work for an employer, I work for my family, my children, my house. This is what makes me happy. There is an ancient Greek saying: Not working is…

I'm very interested to read more about that Greek saying. Do you have a reference of it somewhere?

Re: Write a note to your spouse every day

#118

Post by oxplot »

mamoriamohit wrote: post #13

I have had an opposite experience. Daily notes makes no difference. I was in a relationship for 2 years and have written a poem every day for 400 days straight to her. But it failed nevertheless. In fact, I was told by her that these notes put her in guilt. Weird. Gestures like these amplify whatever the relationship there is to start with. If there's a lot of love, they amplify it. If there's a lot of lack of commit…

Now you can go and turn them into a poetry book with artwork from Dall E. Sort of recycling effort.

Re: Write a note to your spouse every day

#119

Post by sp527 »

zwirbl wrote: post #115
sp527 wrote: post #98

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I believe a well-orchestrated prenup, perhaps in combination with some structure of legal trusts, can (mostly) mitigate this. You can firewall assets and nix alimony. And then move to Texas for the cap on child support orders, which really matters [0]. The only exposure you're left with is being liable for attorney fees, but hopefully Texas has some standard to preclude those from becoming unconscionable. A lot of pe…

This is viewing a common problem through the eyes of the super wealthy. > And then move to Texas for the cap on child support orders I'd rather stay single than move to Texas because of a possible divorce. This is possibly the weirdest way to view a marriage I've ever come about

Actually this a problem that most acutely affects a wealth demo in the vicinity of senior software engineer in tech. It's a far more dire and painful outcome if your $2-4M in assets get chopped in half plus owe alimony and child support than if you're Bezos or Gates and hold onto many billions. In fact, any divorce of the super rich in which the wealthy spouse is left with more than say ~$20M is acceptable in an absolute sense (still comfortably financially free).

The beauty of the divorce racket is that victims usually don't understand the enormity of the financial pain involved until it's too late. Anyone who's observed a friend go through such a divorce would be wise enough to not make that mistake.

As for moving to Texas, you can choose not to and just accept that a judge may order unconscionable amounts of child support to vindictively undermine your prenup (this is routine in states like California). I'm not making the recommendation to go to Texas lightly. The divorce game has gone through many rounds of evolution over many decades and is now almost perfectly calibrated to deprive the successful of their wealth.

Personally, I'd rather just live in Austin. It's a fine city.

I also don't believe in rolling the dice on marriage without protection. It's way too irrational to assume you'll beat the 1 in 2 odds.

Re: Write a note to your spouse every day

#120

Post by simonebrunozzi »

cleandreams wrote: post #49

Wow, so much negativity. I think this is great advice. The key is being genuine and appreciative. Take care of your neediness in other ways. If you don't know how to listen, writing lots of notes can be just another way of monopolizing the conversation. Use the note as a way to maintain the intimacy you already have. Ps my marriage lasted happily for 37 years until the untimely death of my beloved wife.

Sorry to hear about your loss.

I have been married for ~10 years. Ups and downs, but mostly happy to have chosen her. And hoping to get to 37, and past that, and live a long life together. I really hope that.

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