Ask HN: Burned Out. What Now?

Assuming you have some sort of health, start walking (or some other exercise).

The pandemic and related things put a magnifying glass up against all the bits that tend to break over time. Everyone is suffering, you're probably lucky-ish that you can easily do something about it (I'm stereotyping here from being in a tech job rather than say hospitality or service industry).

The answer to the next question will depend upon how the conversation with your boss goes. You might want to completely disconnect and quit. You might want to work 1-2 days/week, supporting your team for questions but moving off of deadline-critical parts. You might want to shift into a different role entirely; oftentimes doing something different can cure burnout. Some or all of these options might be available to you depending on what your boss says, or he may suggest something entirely different.

For the last two questions - I've heard that burnout is basically the result of loving something or someone for a prolonged period of time without them loving you back. Code will never love you back, which is one reason why tech and other knowledge workers are particularly at risk for burnout. But it happens with politicians, managers, and romantic relationships as well. It sounds like coding is a major part of your life; as hard as it may be, you may want to cultivate other things you love (perhaps including hobbies, or people) and view your work with more professional detachment. Yes, this probably means you'll be less effective at it, but it's also more sustainable.

Was there any specific event at work which you think may have contributed to feeling burned out? Or more of a long slow grind of unfulfilling work? AFAICT good therapy is supposed to lead one to self-realization of these triggers, but for me it always felt like it was doing the opposite. Luck of the draw I guess, but I tried three different times with different therapists over several years and it always just made me feel worse and less understood than when I walked in.

The biggest thing that made me feel better was developing goals and an identity outside of the economic system to avoid the effects of work negativity. For me there was a huge project I delivered on at work that flew totally under the radar and was not rewarded. Of course there was more I could have done to promote myself blah blah blah, but getting the worst performance review in years for the work I was proudest of in years was a huge trigger for me.

IMO (don't feel obligated to agree!) anything money touches will feel at least a little inhuman, and it can only get worse once it takes root (like the current direction of "open source" where lots of people treat it like a way to pivot into a corporate job (I did this too lol)). I can't tell anyone what their beliefs and goals should be, and I'm not going to share mine since they are personal and not really relevant, but give them space and time and they will come. It doesn't even need to include technology. That's what I'm good at, so that's the expression I tend to gravitate toward, but the important part for me was to decouple my self-worth from my income. I can handle soul-crushing corporate work a lot better now that I've stopped taking it so seriously. My self-worth comes from ideas that cost zero dollars, and selling my labor is a resource to accomplish things that truly make me happy.

To figure all that out, I took a year off of work at a pretty significant hit to my finances and just went places. It was necessary for me to get out of any familiar environments, including home, just to sever those negative mental links and get some untainted thoughts going. I had never taken more than a couple of weeks off at a time since becoming a working adult, so there was never a time where I was simultaneously old enough to have some experience with the world, old enough to have some money, but not be thinking about what I "needed to do" when I got back.

Have a car. Ignore all the "DAE cars bad???" people — the most interesting places are places transit will never go. My Prius does back roads and gets 60MPG doing it, so it doesn't even have to break the bank. Pick a direction and drive in it for as far as you can stand in a single day. Get a motel room and spend a couple days just "living" in the area. It doesn't have to be touristy stuff. I get the most enjoyment out of things like just driving around, sitting in a park or on a beach, or taking a walk, since the point is to have a clean mental canvas. Unstructured activities are better for this than activities where I have to be in a certain place at a certain time and pay attention to a thing.

Be offline while traveling, and I mean zero contact. Airplane mode, and stash the phone somewhere. All attention parasites must go. I set up Musicolet on my old Note 4 with an SD card full of MP3s so I don't need connectivity for music. OSMAnd provides offline maps, and Torque logs my trip via OBD2. I carry a mirrorless camera (Micro Four Thirds) for photos, and it's way better than anything my phone takes anyway.

Regaining a happy relationship with computers/technology was possible too once I had some time away from them. Things that help me include having a language/ecosystem for personal stuff that I absolutely refuse to ever touch professionally (Ruby for me) and having projects that are intentionally "Free Software, but not open source". Patches are not welcome. My code isn't just "mine" — my code is me!

I absolutely believe there is a way for you to get through this. Don't be discouraged!

The first thing you must do is to kill the negative thought train. Don't panic, don't assume your career is over, that you have no hope, that it's going to get worse, that people are going to find out, that you'll get fired, etc.. Whatever you're fearful about as a result of realizing you're burnt out, try to set it aside for now because you don't need any more stress or worry. It sounds like you have time to think about what to do, so take that time, and don't put yourself under any pressure. Accept the state you're in. It's ok. This happens to many, many people, and you're not the only one. Moreover, your world doesn't sound like it's about to end. Relax about it, as much as you can.

I would echo what some others have said here about telling your boss/team: don't. What I think you need to do is look at what your day-to-day job is like, and see if there's anything you want to change. Is there anything that's really dragging you down? Do certain tasks or projects drive you crazy or make you feel depressed? Are you unhappy with your role in general? Do you hate your office and need to move? Is WFH making you unhappy, and you need to be back in a real office? Try to ponder it all, see if there's something you could change that would give you some quality of life improvement. When you think you have something, take that to your boss, and see what they can do about it. Don't engage in self-enfeeblement when you have that talk. You're entitled to set boundaries for yourself and ask for a change without having to divulge anything about your personal state of mind. Just say plainly that you're not feeling happy in your current role, and you'd like to give something else a try (i.e., whatever alternative you're going to present). Ask if that's possible now or at some point soon. If not, ask if there's something else available right now that they could offer you because you feel like you really need a change. Consider the options, but only choose one if it appeals to you, not just because you think need to choose one.

If it's a hard no from the boss or if there are no good options, then ok, no problem. Consider your next options. A job is a job. If things aren't so bad where you're at, then maybe it's worth staying. Ask yourself if perhaps you are too emotionally invested in having a "great career". If so, work on detaching emotionally. Show up each day when you have to, and leave when you can. It's ok to do a good job, and do it for the pay check. You don't have to accomplish anything great. You don't have to break your back for your employer. If you stay where you're at, look at ways that you can change little things to give yourself some feeling of agency and autonomy. For me, I had schedule flexibility, so I engaged in a daily act of rebellion where I would sleep in, show up in time for the daily stand-up, then do what I could until I felt like I was done for the day, and then I went home. If you don't want to stay where you're at, then take time to think about what you want to do next.

I can recommend seeking professional help. A good therapist is a very valuable disinterested third-party who can help you think everything through. Unless your situation is in dire straits, the best way forward is to make small but well-considered steps that will help create emotional and psychological space for yourself to heal. Oftentimes, what we think is the one problem causing us to burn out isn't actually the only problem contributing to the situation. A therapist can give you perspective on that. Perhaps anti-depressants might be a help for you, but a therapist can help you figure that out too. Don't sign up for the drugs straight away unless it is clearly needed.

I can also recommend walking, every day if you can, for as long as you're able or it remains enjoyable for you. Wooded areas and around lakes are great to walk around, but anywhere will do. It will help you relax and mull things over. It really will. Listen to music if you like, but also try it without. Stop and sit along the way. Take in the sky, the birds, the trees, the landscape. Just enjoy being there, and the beauty of nature. Think about whatever's on your mind, but don't force yourself to think of a solution. Let your mind wander. Space out. Relax.

Over time, you will be able to figure out what you need to change. It took me a couple of years, to be honest, but that's fine. It's not a race. The building (i.e., my life) wasn't burning, so I just focussed on taking my time because I didn't want to change too much too soon and end up back in the same hole down at some point down the road. I took care to sleep well (but not too much), walk regularly, and try do things I enjoyed (or used to enjoy). No pressure. If I didn't feel like doing anything intellectual on a particular day, I didn't. I got a lot of mileage out of housework, cooking, and walking on those days.

I believe you can figure this out. Hang in there, my friend!

This can mean self-medicating if you know what you're doing, but otherwise these days there are professionals qualified to help.

I doubt psychedelics will be used to escape from your issues, but yes - they can make them worse if you're not careful.