The Relentlessness of Modern Parenting • Hacker News Board

Re: The Relentlessness of Modern Parenting

#111

Post by pnw_hazor » Mon, Jan 07, 2019, 11:52 PM UTC

killjoywashere wrote: post #96

I used to take the city bus for a quarter to the public library in the fourth grade, 2 miles away. My mom's the one who taught me to use the bus. I know it was fourth grade because we moved to another city when I was in the fifth grade. That was in 1988. My wife would barely let the kids play in the front yard despite us living in signficantly wealthier, lower-crime neighborhoods.

My oldest daughter still claims PTSD from my wife's reaction one time as a ~10yo she was caught playing outside in the cul-de-sac w/o permission while we were not home -- with boys no less. The horror.

I wasn't home, and my wife swears she doesn't remember the incident, though younger sibling has offered corroborating evidence.

Re: The Relentlessness of Modern Parenting

#112

Post by skookumchuck » Mon, Jan 07, 2019, 11:54 PM UTC

ideonexus wrote: post #5

I didn't realize it until I read this article, but this is what keeps me up at night and motivates me to spend so much time and effort on my children. Making sure my kids are successful adults and maintain the economic lifestyle my programming career currently affords them is why I send them to camps all summer long and martial arts classes in the afternoons to improve their focus. It's why my wife and I spent hours…

> It's why my wife and I spent hours working on our son's application to the gifted program

Wow. My parents never bothered with any of that. I did all the college applications myself, my parents never even reviewed them. (went Ivy league)

Re: The Relentlessness of Modern Parenting

#113

Post by wonderwonder » Mon, Jan 07, 2019, 11:57 PM UTC

Relentless really is a good word to describe it. It is just endlessly time consuming raising kids. I don't even feel like I am doing anything special, just making sure they do their homework, are entertained and safe. By the time their bedtime rolls around I am exhausted. Yet the thought of doing less does not even occur to me as I would see that as short changing my kids whom I care greatly for. I don't do it as some sort of fear of my kids not succeeding in a world with limited resources, I just see it as the natural duty of a parent to do everything I can to ensure my kids get the attention they need.

Just a personal note, I found it irritating that the author felt the need to write “Intensive parenting is a way for especially affluent white mothers to make sure their children are maintaining their advantaged position in society.” I am pretty sure the mothers just want their kids to have the best lives they can, as do all parents regardless of the color of their skin. I don't think they approach it from the view that they are participants in some great racial struggle. Of course they want their kids to do as well or better than them, all parents do, or should. Seemed like a pointless, finger wagging thing to say.

Re: The Relentlessness of Modern Parenting

#114

Post by wonderwonder » Tue, Jan 08, 2019, 12:02 AM UTC

ideonexus wrote: post #5

I didn't realize it until I read this article, but this is what keeps me up at night and motivates me to spend so much time and effort on my children. Making sure my kids are successful adults and maintain the economic lifestyle my programming career currently affords them is why I send them to camps all summer long and martial arts classes in the afternoons to improve their focus. It's why my wife and I spent hours…

I actually just had a conversation with my wife over whether we were over protective. my kids are 7 and under and I don't let them ride bikes on the street without me. Other kids in the neighborhood zoom around all day long without helmets on bikes and scooters and are fine to this point. Many of their parents are also... not great. We agreed that we are probably over protective and that may have a slightly negative effect in regards to their independence but I could never forgive myself if they went out without me one day and did not come back, or got hit by a car.

Re: The Relentlessness of Modern Parenting

#115

Post by pnw_hazor » Tue, Jan 08, 2019, 12:08 AM UTC

pnathan wrote: post #68

The policy we are taking is to have specific expectations, but vast freedom outside of those expectations. We specifically are interested in allowing our child (~2) to have highly unstructured play, within specific limits. - Child does go to specific play groups, 1-2x/wk. - Child does have to sit still and have a book read to them, several times per day. - Child does have to treat the cat right. - Child does go out t…

Kinder gym followed up by a couple years of artistic gymnastics is a great base for any active kid. They will quickly age out of it (unless they want to seriously compete) but the base skills will help them in their other athletic/active pursuits.

Also, in our experience, individual sports/activities, such as, dance, figure skating, gymnastics seemed to teach [our kids] a lot about personal responsibility. In the individual sports/activities, it seemed their coaches/instructors really made it a point to enforce/promote individual personal responsibility more than team based sports/activities. In hindsight, this is unsurprising, I guess. I say in hindsight, because at the time I was mildly concerned they were missing out on not being interested team sports.

Don't forget clubs too. FIRST Robotics was a big win for my girls.

And most importantly, good modeling by parents and other family.

Re: The Relentlessness of Modern Parenting

#116

Post by danmaz74 » Tue, Jan 08, 2019, 12:23 AM UTC

wonderwonder wrote: post #113

Relentless really is a good word to describe it. It is just endlessly time consuming raising kids. I don't even feel like I am doing anything special, just making sure they do their homework, are entertained and safe. By the time their bedtime rolls around I am exhausted. Yet the thought of doing less does not even occur to me as I would see that as short changing my kids whom I care greatly for. I don't do it as som…

I remember the trope about "tiger moms" which was about Asian mothers. I wonder if it's still a thing.

Re: The Relentlessness of Modern Parenting

#117

Post by wjamesg » Tue, Jan 08, 2019, 12:41 AM UTC

skookumchuck wrote: post #112

ideonexus wrote: post #5

I didn't realize it until I read this article, but this is what keeps me up at night and motivates me to spend so much time and effort on my children. Making sure my kids are successful adults and maintain the economic lifestyle my programming career currently affords them is why I send them to camps all summer long and martial arts classes in the afternoons to improve their focus. It's why my wife and I spent hours…

> It's why my wife and I spent hours working on our son's application to the gifted program Wow. My parents never bothered with any of that. I did all the college applications myself, my parents never even reviewed them. (went Ivy league)

What is the purpose of your statement? Who said anything about college?

Re: The Relentlessness of Modern Parenting

#118

Post by analog31 » Tue, Jan 08, 2019, 12:58 AM UTC

gf263 wrote: post #20

As a 20 something without kids, my parenting idea would be to just not give them any trauma and let them be their own people

You won't know until you have kids, though the way that you and your spouse were raised will be a good indicator. If you were raised differently, some reconciliation will be needed otherwise control will revert to the more "activist" parent. And having one kid won't tell you what it's like to have two, though your relationships with your siblings may be predictive.

I'm now of the opinion that behavior is driven by genetics to a considerable extent. Self disciplined parents with perfect control of their emotions will have self disciplined kids with perfect control of their emotions. These are also the people for whom all parenting methods work. For everybody else... good luck.

Re: The Relentlessness of Modern Parenting

#119

Post by analog31 » Tue, Jan 08, 2019, 1:03 AM UTC

ideonexus wrote: post #5

I didn't realize it until I read this article, but this is what keeps me up at night and motivates me to spend so much time and effort on my children. Making sure my kids are successful adults and maintain the economic lifestyle my programming career currently affords them is why I send them to camps all summer long and martial arts classes in the afternoons to improve their focus. It's why my wife and I spent hours…

>>> We parents are damned if we do and damned if we don't.

This pressure has always been present, especially for moms. Today it's magnified by social media. If you admit to any uncertainty or weakness, you will be attacked. As a result, people go overboard in the other direction, showing off their perfection and the accomplishments of their (always) gifted children. This in turn makes the rest of us feel like we're failures.

But oddly enough the pressure is inconsistent. If someone's kid flunks out of college or can't get a good job, it's attributed to "bad parenting." But when a bunch of CEO's trigger an economic meltdown, nobody mentions the possibility of "bad parenting."

Re: The Relentlessness of Modern Parenting

#120

Post by strikelaserclaw » Tue, Jan 08, 2019, 1:08 AM UTC

kazinator wrote: post #41

If the motivation is economic anxiety, then forget piano and soccer practice; enroll the five-year-old in something directly related to making and managing money. I'm only half kidding.

The soccer and piano practice is to get into Harvard.