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On Marrying the Wrong Person

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Re: On Marrying the Wrong Person

#111

Post by koder2016 »

acheron wrote: post #14
santaclause33 wrote: post #11

Three notes I would add: 1) In response to the "know yourself" bullet: I met my now wife at 15 - we learned a lot about ourselves between then and when we married at age 22. But we were pretty much committed to marrying by age 18, even though we learned a lot after. You can learn with another person. 2) Life pro tip on understanding other people (this is a quick reinforcement of a bunch of points in the article): if…

The odds of first marriage are better than 50/50. That statistic is for total marriages, but people who divorce once on average divorce multiple times. Success rate of first marriage is something like 65%. Also, that success rate goes higher if you're high income, like most of HN. Yes, thanks, I was about to post the same thing. Also divorce rates are lower among college graduates (which is correlated with income of…

Not just that, the divorce rate increases with the number of previous sexual partners (especially for women): http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/08/21/more-sexual-partner...

Re: On Marrying the Wrong Person

#112

Post by k__ »

ant6n wrote: post #63
k__ wrote: post #23

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Yes, same goes for my brother, but I don't know how much of it relies on premise, that they can't live without each other anymore, because their life's are so entangled. I mean he is 31 and they came together when he was 16 and she was 15. They experienced their whole adult life together. They split for about 4 months but came together again, probably because of this. On the other hand, I'm the complete opposite, so…

Wait, you have two relationships right now?

Yes, for over 2 years now.

Both of those relationships are better than any one I got before.

Re: On Marrying the Wrong Person

#113

Post by k__ »

Obi_Juan_Kenobi wrote: post #85
k__ wrote: post #23

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Yes, same goes for my brother, but I don't know how much of it relies on premise, that they can't live without each other anymore, because their life's are so entangled. I mean he is 31 and they came together when he was 16 and she was 15. They experienced their whole adult life together. They split for about 4 months but came together again, probably because of this. On the other hand, I'm the complete opposite, so…

I've heard many people talk about a "two-year cliff". The exact date is immaterial, but for many there's a point in a relationship where it's going to continue a long time or die out. I think this plays a major role. Basically, that's about how long it takes to really recognize people's patterns. Everyone has stuff like this, particular irrationalities and foibles that are, in general, not so good. The first time the…

The best "pattern" we found, is, that we can talk about everything.

We reinvented these relationships multiple times, when something was wrong.

Re: On Marrying the Wrong Person

#114

Post by ionised »

gohrt wrote: post #80
noselfrighteous wrote: post #36

Earlier quoted context omitted.

No, that rings hollow to me. Humans are sophisticated enough to genuinely have other needs aside from primal mating urges. Self-actualization is a huge one and more than sufficient to be the primary motivator for someone seeking to leave a family/marriage situation.

And yet, statistically, very few people have self-actualization urges beyond using them as a means to attract a mate and reproducing.

Few, not zero.

Re: On Marrying the Wrong Person

#115

Post by whitsend »

I feel so sad reading this as I feel that my marriage is in the final stages and will end soon - regardless of what I want. I have a 6 and 3 yr old who I will do anything for but carrying on in marriage won't work and I don't have the final say if things are to end. Does anyone know some online groups or forums to talk through these issues? I'm not US-based but still would value the chance to talk to people in the same situation.

thanks.

Re: On Marrying the Wrong Person

#116

Post by LordKano »

epimetheus wrote: post #70
LordKano wrote: post #34

Earlier quoted context omitted.

It's easier to live with being broke if your sexual needs are being met. If you're broke and sexually unfulfilled, that's not going to last.

Or even if you have money and are sexually unfulfilled. I'm pretty sure for myself, a libido mismatch was a contributing factor for some of our issues. We do fine, not in the 1%, but certainly in the 5-6% (household income ~140k in a not terrible cost of living area). Our times of interest were even wonky. I get tired at night and lose interest, that's when she wanted it. I liked it in the morning (after brushing the…

I'm not willing to go into detail but my divorce was very much about sexual incompatibility.

Re: On Marrying the Wrong Person

#117

Post by Vraxx »

cgriswald wrote: post #84
aussieindian wrote: post #59

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Focus on your happiness mate and rest will fall together. Suddenly you will become desirable once you do that and get rid of bad habits like needy behavior. I would suggest focus on health as well and do some lifting and read the book "No more Mr Nice Guy" by Robert Glover and look for references on the web.

I was in a similar situation to the GP. Desirability and bad habits are not the issues. You're blaming the victim. You can't compete against someone else's selfishness. You will lose every time. The only thing to do is to walk away, but in the context of a marriage, it's not easy to do. My ex is still indescribably selfish five years later. She still wants to appear to be a good mother at the expense of actually bein…

I don't mean this in a derogatory manner, mostly curious, as I've heard similar stories from extended family and have become rather concerned. Looking back, do you see any warning signs of a future marriage like the one you described? How long did you date before you got married/had your daughter? It seems strange that traits like you described could remain hidden until bursting out once you're "trapped" by marriage, but the tale you tell is not an incredibly uncommon one.

Re: On Marrying the Wrong Person

#118

Post by Vraxx »

gohrt wrote: post #79
LeifCarrotson wrote: post #43

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Your same arguments apply in the other direction, you know. It's not just women interested in the most desireable men, it's also that men are interested in the most desirable women.

There are more desirable women (#1 young, #2 pretty) than men (#1 wealthy, #2 pretty)

I'd say that is quite the oversimplification you have there. You might want to check some of your base assumptions like how women only desire wealth and looks as well as men only desiring youth and looks. Generalizations tend to be wrong more often than they are right in my experience, and this seems no exception.

Re: On Marrying the Wrong Person

#119

Post by epimetheus »

Vraxx wrote: post #117
cgriswald wrote: post #84

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I was in a similar situation to the GP. Desirability and bad habits are not the issues. You're blaming the victim. You can't compete against someone else's selfishness. You will lose every time. The only thing to do is to walk away, but in the context of a marriage, it's not easy to do. My ex is still indescribably selfish five years later. She still wants to appear to be a good mother at the expense of actually bein…

I don't mean this in a derogatory manner, mostly curious, as I've heard similar stories from extended family and have become rather concerned. Looking back, do you see any warning signs of a future marriage like the one you described? How long did you date before you got married/had your daughter? It seems strange that traits like you described could remain hidden until bursting out once you're "trapped" by marriage,…

Though I'm not who you responded to, I'd like to say that I certainly did see warning signs. Sometimes we fought over it, sometimes it made me seem petty (she'd tell me all about her day, but when she asked it seemed more of a token, and she'd get that 10,000 yard stare and eventually tell me she didn't need that kind of detail - and I'm not a long talker). In one instance she left me abandoned at school (frozen door at school), she wouldn't risk the 2 mile or so drive and told me to walk instead (situations being reversed she would have probably left me and I'd have been ostracized for abandoning her). There were many others, but the signs were all there, I think I just ignored them hoping things would get better, etc.

Re: On Marrying the Wrong Person

#120

Post by robotresearcher »

bambax wrote: post #33
zxcvvcxz wrote: post #15

Here's an uncomfortable thought: an effective 1-to-1 mapping between men and women probably doesn't exist. The fact of the matter is that women are primarily interested in a top smaller percentage of high value men (this is called hypergamy). This smaller group of desirable men would most like to have multiple mates (this is called polygamy). Marriage, and the accompanying culture and customs, 'corrects' this by tryi…

Yes, monogamy is usually framed as being good for women and detrimental to men when in fact it's been invented so that non-alpha males could mate; in a "natural" world, most (all) women would mate with the alpha male of the group, and all other males would not mate at all. Therefore it shouldn't be unexpected that women who didn't get to marry the alpha male, are unhappy and eventually want out.

It's a little much to present an untestable hypothesis as 'in fact...'.
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