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Being alone

jessepollak.me

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Re: Being alone

#101

Post by kanja »

tazjin wrote: post #6

Stopped reading after > Preface: As a white, heterosexual, cis, male, I’m granted, from birth, an extraordinary amount of privilege I wasn't actually aware people outside of the Tumblrverse said things like that. (Over on Reddit there is /r/TumblrInAction for things like this)

It's no wonder he has such trouble socializing. When you wear self loathing on your sleeve like that, people will respond accordingly. It's wonderful to want to make a better world, but when everything you say, think, or do needs to be excused and caveated you can't help but internalize that.

Re: Being alone

#102

Post by cobrausn »

king_jester wrote: post #76
cobrausn wrote: post #40

Earlier quoted context omitted.

As a former Catholic, when I read lines like that I can't help but be struck with the observation that this seems to be a feminist/progressive version of confessing your sins in order to be absolved of them.

Its not confessing for absolution, its a disclaimer: I'm a white dude, I have certain advantages/privileges, YMMV.

If YMMV, then why the need for the disclaimer?

Assigning 'privilege' to race and gender seems fairly lazy to me, considering there are so many ways that it may not actually be a privilege to everybody. You know what is always, without fail, a privilege? Coming from money. When I was growing up, the term 'privileged' could be used without argument that way.

Re: Being alone

#103

Post by replicatorblog »

lemonberry wrote: post #22
rb2k_ wrote: post #2

I'll be moving from Germany to Boston in a month, one of the things that I'm looking forward to is the chance to enjoy this process of "being alone" and "Pushing back on discomfort". As much as I enjoy the company of my friends, having complete freedom and no accountability to anybody also has its advantages :) That being said, cities like SF/Boston/New York/... make it easy to keep "alone" from turning into "lonely"…

Do yourself a favor and visit Portsmouth, NH after you are acclimated to Boston or just need a reprieve from big city life. It's a smallish city with a great bar and restaurant scene. If you are into history there are also some wonderful opportunities to explore as well. Be warned, however, New Englander's can come off cold compared to people from other parts of the country. We make great friends but it takes awhile…

Are you based in Portsmouth? I'm a fellow Granite State techie, always excited to hear of others!

Re: Being alone

#104

Post by canistr »

shinratdr wrote: post #73
Stealth- wrote: post #42

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Growing up in a poorer neighbourhood, the native friends I had were able to play football, have school lunches, go on fieldtrips, and go to university when I could not because they were paid for with tax payers' dollars. My grandparents were not even in this country at the time, it was not my ancestors nor me that hurt anyone. So I should have less because of what someone with the same skin colour as me did decades a…

> the native friends I had were able to play football, have school lunches, go on fieldtrips, and go to university when I could not because they were paid for with tax payers' dollars. I don't know where you live but in Toronto with the exception of university tuition, all those things are provided for children that can't afford them regardless of their background. The concept of not letting a child go on a field tri…

> I don't know where you live but in Toronto with the exception of university tuition, all those things are provided for children that can't afford them regardless of their background. The concept of not letting a child go on a field trip or go hungry at lunch because they couldn't afford it is just insane to my ears.

As insane as it may sound for a Torontonian, I grew up in Scarborough where many people didn't go on field trips simply because of the cost. Some kids had small lunches. And I grew up in a time where, because of cut backs in education costs, students were required to pay a "course fee" of about $50 at the beginning of the term in high school to pay for additional learning supplies for classes. Which usually amounted to the fee required to print workbooks, provide extra writing materials, or even art supplies.

Re: Being alone

#105

Post by sp332 »

phillmv wrote: post #85
sp332 wrote: post #43

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Let's say things are set up to pander to the majority, even when it puts a minority at a disadvantage. What is the argument for making things harder for the majority, to equalize things for the minority? On average, society would come out worse, so you'd have to argue that equality itself is more valuable than any advantage for the majority.

Well, by your own metaphor on _average_ society would come out the same, by definition. (I suspect you meant median). As a result, it sounds like you're saying "screw you, I got mine". We can flip the question around: why does this majority deserve better opportunities? There aren't very good answers to that question. The main thing I'd point out is that unlike your metaphor society is not a zero-sum game.

Well, by your own metaphor on _average_ society would come out the same, by definition.

No, if you make things worse for 90% of the population, and make it better for 10% of the population, the total is worse and therefore the average (mean) is worse.

Edit: an example. Let's say the first 9 people rate society at 10 points, and the last one rates it a 4. Total 94, mean 9.4, median 10. Now change things around so everyone is equal and ranks things a 9. Total 90, mean 9.0, median 9. Even though the majority is almost as happy as before, and the minority is much happier, most measures come out worse.

Re: Being alone

#106

Post by FD3SA »

mkr-hn wrote: post #58
jskopek wrote: post #11

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Do you disagree with the author? Depending on where you live, his point is very valid. As a resident of Canada, I feel that I live in a fairly progressive, culturally diverse society. Yet even here, I have heard friends of different ethnicities complain about racial issues. Not all racial or gender divisions are obvious; exclusion or denial of privilege is harder to spot.

It has a lot more to do with financial status and social standing than any other factor. A white guy growing up and living in a poor part of the southeast has a very different experience from a white guy who grew up in a mansion. Race and gender are poor guides to figuring out how much a person struggles.

Precisely. It never ceases to amaze me how splintered the socioeconomic classes become via interest groups. Men vs. women, Black vs White vs Hispanic, Christian vs Muslim vs Jew vs atheist, Democrat vs Republican, gay vs straight vs trans, etc etc.

Socioeconomic status is the only real differentiator, and these factions only serve to divide the people whose interests are in reality, quite aligned. Unsurprisingly, this tends to greatly assist those at the top of the socioeconomic ladder in maintaining political deadlock on issues which greatly assist the majority at the expense of the tiny minority. Issues such as the social safety net, healthcare, education, infrastructure, and democratic process.

A cursory review of history shows that this is not a novel strategy.

Re: Being alone

#107

Post by roflc0ptic »

mindslight wrote: post #72
cobrausn wrote: post #40

Earlier quoted context omitted.

As a former Catholic, when I read lines like that I can't help but be struck with the observation that this seems to be a feminist/progressive version of confessing your sins in order to be absolved of them.

It's more of an original sin you can never be absolved of and are supposed to continually prostrate yourself for. Of course there are people in situations for which the advice in this article is a non-starter. But does that preface actually specifically address them, or is it just a cargo-cult disclaimer to keep the responses from being derailed by feel-good plighties? And how should one feel if they are so "privileg…

Yeah, exactly. I'm deeply sympathetic towards lefty activists and activism, but I just cannot get over how much privilege "politics" [sic] sounds like original sin.

1. Being racist is bad 2. All white people are racist (by virtue of being born into a racist culture)

Ergo... all white people are bad. And I've seen several facebook posts by people of color that say things like "I'M DONE WITH WHITE PEOPLE." And I'm even somewhat sympathetic to that: All the evidence I've seen indicates I get treated better for being a tolerably handsome white dude. That must be kind of infuriating.

But at the end of the day, it's this culture that is often hostile to white dudes on principal, and just... okay? I guess I won't talk to you at parties if you don't want me to?

Re: Being alone

#108

Post by sblawrie »

jyrkesh wrote: post #70

Can't really comment on the startup side of things seeing as I'm still in university, but having recently done an internship in a town where I knew no one and going back to school and moving into a place with no roommates for the first time, I've been forced into environments where absolutely no one is encouraging me to go out or meet people or have fun. It's unbelievably easy to stay in and watch Netflix, have a cou…

'One of the most interesting things I've noticed, though, is the reaction others have when I tell them I go to parties or bars by myself (or even to dinner or to movies alone). They're taken aback, and they almost try to marginalize you as some sort of loner.'

I've actually had the opposite experience. Sometimes I'll go to bars by myself just to hit on girls. When your friends aren't around to watch, it reduces the downside and fear of rejection.

Usually, if it's going well, I'll tell her I'm there by myself, and they tend to be impressed I had the confidence to go out by myself and approach them.

Re: Being alone

#109

Post by victorhn »

brian_cloutier wrote: post #91
Stealth- wrote: post #25

Earlier quoted context omitted.

As another resident of Canada, I have to completely disagree with you. I have to pay $20,000 for my schooling. My first nations friends pay nothing, it's covered by tax payers. This includes numerous other benefits that I do not get. In Canada, unfortunately it can often seem like the minority have more privileges. That's not equality, to me.

Trust me, I know how you feel. I was a National Merit Semifinalist while my friend with far weaker academics was an Hispanic National Merit Finalist and won a full-ride to her college of choice. As a white male, it was a little annoying going down the list of scholarships and having precious few open to me. The thing to understand about racism is that it's a societal thing, not an individual thing. Discrimination aga…

Or you could have claimed you are a Hispanic white.

Re: Being alone

#110

Post by robertnealan »

A few summers back I opted to ride my bike back to San Francisco from Washington DC rather than fly. Everyone thought it was crazy to do it alone (and I secretly agreed), but in reality it was one of the best decisions I ever made. Over those 2 1/2 months I met countless people, slept on numerous strangers' couches, and made more friends than any other period of my life (several of whom I still keep in regular contact). It was awkward and it was comfortable, but it was an experience I'd encourage anybody interested to take.

Like Jesse said, acting Y around someone whose used to you acting X can cause reason for concern and alarm. When you're alone you don't have those checks/balances and can really evaluate who you are without the boundaries that persist in your normal social circle. "Aloneness" can be uncomfortable and confusing, but rewarding if you manage to wade through it all.

On the flipside I regretfully now tend to cause awkward situations by being too casual with people I've just met. Whoops?

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