Making peace with your unlived dreams (2023)

Do you feel that way about all forms of entertainment? You also are not, "playing, exercising, practicing, getting injured, losing, or winning, nor are you getting paid" nor doing comedy when you watch Joe Rogan standup, so who cares?

BTW, a very common name in Poland, a diminutive form of Jadwiga. If you ever read any Polish history, it almost seems like most of noblewomen were named Jadwiga.

I have an understanding/interpretation of the philosopher Kierkegaard's metaphor of the Knight of Infinite Resignation from his work Fear and Trembling [1] that relates to this.

He tells the story of a Knight that falls in love with a princess. In the olden days princesses were married off by their parents for political reasons. There is no way his love, even if it is returned, can ever be fulfilled.

So the Knight resigns himself and marries the butchers widow. After all, she is pretty enough, she has inherited a profitable business from her late husband. And she will be elevated socially by a marriage to a Knight, so she is very keen.

But the Knight has to resign himself constantly, like in the dead of night while lying in bed and dreaming about what might have been. He must avoid falling into resentment and maintain the strength of his will.

This is a central concept to Kierkegaard, started in Either/Or and continued in Fear and Trembling.

1. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fear_and_Trembling

I have arthritis in my right ankle now and walking more than a mile leads to swelling, pain, and random sharp pinching during some strides. Running sets it off sooner than that. The ankle always is visibly swollen, it's obvious there's something wrong, and after more acute symptoms developed about eight months ago after my first soccer action in about a year I finally got it checked out and diagnosed two weeks ago. I'm lucky in that I can still cycle for an hour or two on fairly hilly roads in my North Carolina town, and I've been enjoying riding in the Phoenix desert a few times while visiting family this past week. I can still do some weight-bearing exercises too.

My biggest regret though is that I may never manage to play more than a few minutes of soccer at a time again. I got back to Latin America in early adolescence having missed some crucial soccer years. I was soon a couple of years younger than everyone else in my grade, and P.E. classes were not very fun, it was hard to compete and I rarely got to participate in real action on the soccer or rugby field. In my late teens I started to actually develop some soccer sense and got a bit better. But student/teacher political strikes during the dying years of a dictatorship and upcoming return of my family to the USA brought me to the USA for studies, and I didn't play much in college.

After a few years in SF Bay Area I started playing pickup soccer and eventually got to play quite well , especially during a particular two year stretch. Then marriage, busy jobs, having a kid meant I laid off the regular soccer for a while.

And now, with a bit more extra time I could maybe spend playing I no longer can. I've never been on a team, never been a specialist at a position, never trained regularly. The doctor said maybe with physical therapy and pain killers I could do it. I'll work toward that.

There is irony in "wanting" something:

achieving it depends on different qualities than what starts to ramp up once you are strategically trying to get what you "want".

Suddenly your perception does not come from exploration, genuine interest or the human part. It starts to come from paying attention, sensitivity to setback, monitoring yourself in what you believe will make you achieve what you want, strategic behavior that isn't "natural" and attachment to a very specific outcome.

It was very hard to see this, sometimes you have to feel and be less analytic about stuff, then your perception will open doors as you walk through life, because deep down you were never attached to a specific outcome and therefore don't limit or sabotage yourself with what your beliefs about the world are at that time.

"Becoming a great snowboarder" is operating on a very different layer compared to "I really like snowboarding and then I somehow showed up over here and everyone here tells me I am a great snowboarder". Even being in this situation introduces perception that you may not be "a great snowboarder" at some point, which makes you become analytical about it.